28 May 2006

Blog relationships

The I Love You But I'm Shy blogger reads your blog without fail but never ever comments – they worship you from afar. In blogging terms these are lurkers.

The One Night Stand blogger comes from nowhere, leaves one comment and then disappears never to be seen again

The Stalker is a blogger that always visits your blog using an IP blocker. Eventually they will be rumbled because all free IP blockers fail regularly and spectacularly. They just fucking do, people.

The Selfish Lover blogger will always comment first and yell 'Yay I’m first' without saying anything else. They cum, they leave and that’s all you will get from them.

Unrequited Love is when you adore someone else’s blog, you read it religiously, comment feverishly but they never fucking visit your blog. Eventually we give up on them and either read their stuff and not comment, or we get in a huff and stop visiting them entirely.

The Let’s Just Be Friends blogger forms a really good connection with you. They comment on your blog and you comment on theirs. Then just when you are feeling a connection with them their visits become scare and their comments half-arsed and nonsensical. Eventually they disappear entirely and it becomes clear that they were just dumping you kindly.

The I Can't Commit blogger visits you here and there. you know they love your work yet their visit patterns are sporadic and unpredictable. Somehow they just never become one of your tight gang.

The It's Just A Physical Thing blogger visits you regularly but only comments when there are dirty pictures on your posts.

The Deadbeat Dad blogger has a tons of profiles and starts up a succession of blogs that never really go anywhere. They use their profiles to cause shit in other bloggers lives and then shut up shop and move onto the next one.

The Slut blogger is someone who has a blogroll that fucking goes on forever yet doesn’t form blogging friendships of any substance. No one wants to invest time in forming a relationship with a blog slut although we are all very happy to drop in here and there and enjoy their charms.


The Blog Crush is one of the few blogging scenarios that can spill out into real life. It's unclear as to how many of these ever translate into physical relationships - perhaps y'all can let me know if you've ever actually hooked up with your blog crush.

The Happily Married blogger visits your blog, comments and lot and stays with your forever. You visit their blog and you remain loyal to them too. Blogging can be polygamous in this respect – we can all have several very happy marriages and no-one get jealous.

The Unhappily Married blogger is someone with whom you are constantly niggling. Really when it comes down to it you are coming to the conclusion that you loathe them. It is likely that you will end up in a huge blog spat at some stage and then finally seek a blogging divorce.

The I Want A Divorce blogger. We have all either been part of or witnessed ugly cyber wars in which people end up in a blogging divorce. You stop visiting their blog and they don't visit yours. In extreme cases, your friends get dragged into it and can't visit anymore either in fear of pissing you off by being 'disloyal'.

The Married Too Long blogger is someone who used to interact with you meaningfully but now is very obvious that they doesn’t actually read your posts. You can always tell when someone comments without having read your post or just skimmed through it and picked out keywords to comment on.

NOTE: there is a part of each of these types within us all.

SPECIAL NOTE TO EGAN: yet another serious post from me. I am on a roll with all this philosophy shit, huh?

67 comments:

Brookelina said...

Yay I'm first!

Erin O'Brien said...

Jane, darling, you know that little tiny pair I love so much? The black velvet ones with the red satin piping? I can't find them anywhere. Did I leave them at your place again?

Check in between the couch cushions, and in the utility room, from the time on top the washing machine.

Thanks, luv.

Erin O'Brien said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anita said...

Oooh! I was just talking yesterday about how I've yet to see anyone get really offensively vile with comments. Not flaming, either, I want the honest "I've been commenting on your blog for years and you really just pissed me off" type stuff. I guess one can always delete the nasty comment, but I've got feuding comment blood lust.

Not on my blog though, of course.

And why you gotta call me out on my Let's Just Be Friends tendency? I resent bein' pegged like that, J.

YellowSock said...

I hope we are still happily married Jane. If you want a divorce, that's fine but I'll have to become a stalker.

ChickyBabe said...

Bravo! I love it. And I agree with you that there's a little bit of each one in us.

*goes off to classify her readers into Jungle Jane's categories*

Adam said...

I may end up being a one night stand haha. I'll try to upgrade myself to sporadic, dang attention span.

PDD said...

I have a blog crush. A huge one.

PDD said...

Got your email. Just sent you one. Let me know you received it. It was a little screwy when I sent it.

MJ said...

I'm the rare combination Selfish Lover/It's Just A Physical Thing blogger. Fecking off now as I'm not first nor are there any dirty pictures today. Byeeee!

jungle jane said...

Brooke:
Typical. Just fucking typical. Treat me like a piece of meat - go on. Have my heart AND my soul.

Erin:
Fuck. Were those yours? Shit - i thought they belonged to Satan so i sent them back to him. Ooooops.

Anita:
Ohhhhh believe me the biggest wars i have ever seen in my life is with cyber/blogging/chat rooms. they totally happen and Blogger is rife with it. I avoid them like a plague but sometimes you get dragged in regardless. and of course i won't sit by while people I care about get attacked.

Sausage:
We are so totally married its not true. although i am going to come over and spank you pert litte bottom if you don't fucking do a new post. Either that or i will make a special category for you - Lazy Wife blogger.

ChickyBabe:
Yes thats the thing - i am totally guilty of all of the above. Mainly these days due to time demands - my list of husbands and wives is long and my time short. I don't mean to be a Bastard Blogger but i just can't help it right now:-)

Adam:
I usually handcuff my one night stands to the headboards to prevent them from fleeing...

PDD:
Got it - loved it - and am now picking my jaw up off the ground.

MJ:
I am a combination of them all except for Deadbeat Dad. Ask my daughter - she will confirm that i think:-)

Vince said...

This is so complicated. To me, there are only two types of bloggers: Those that know Jungle Jane. And those who don't.

Dora and Tina said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Dora and Tina said...

That was us, sorry we kinda got the whole 'stalker' and 'lurker' thing mixed up.
We do kinda lurk on your blog. We know this makes us bad bloggers. We promise to try harder and get an up-grade from lurker.

~d said...

I think I am a combination of blog-crush and happily married. Self assessment, tharr.
Muchas Loveas !
P.S. do you own a (forgive my spelling) digeridoo?

Henri Banks said...

I realy dont know what i am ,its always the same with me i never fit in ....

hardhouse said...

I'll move from a lurker to a one night stand for the physical thing but I have commitment issues. I could see a crush developing if you weren't so damn dirty. Fuck it... I'll have a crush!!

Mongrel Porksword said...

I have been both a blog slut, and a blog homewrecker (not a category listed here), mainly because I have a big cock, and the chix just can't get enough of it.

jeut said...

If there was an award for "most accurate post on a blog, ever", I think it would go to this one.

I've already categorized myself... I just can't commit.

I still love you, though! I promise!

We can stay friends?

:-P

gav said...

That's fucking brilliant JJ (seriously). I'm too scared to say anything else now.


How's about we just settle for:

I HAVE A HUGE COCK!

Yes, that should do it.

Jesus Toast said...

I don't understand. You didn't have a catagory called, "The He's My Twat Blogger"...so what catagory do I fit into then?

Denny Shane said...

I found a little bit of myself in just about all of those scenarios. Am I bad? Am I going to hell? Will I be having sex tonight? ;)

PDD said...

Denny, I just checked with my answer book "don't be ridiculous" for all questions.

josh williams said...

I sometimes comment. I...I..I will shave my brothers entire body if I let you down. Now that is mucho razors , mucho vomit and a grande weird. JW

jungle jane said...

Dora and Tina:
Ohhhh my equally bad – I have been such a slackarse in visiting people too – its just been too busy. At the moment I am a totally voyeur…er lurker…so don’t feel too bad – just keep churning out that Barbie porn

~d:
I do not own a digeredoo. I do have a large vibrator though. Would you like to borrow it?

Henri:
Your category is Total Spunk Love God

Hardhouse:
YAYAYAYAYAY! Got you out the woodwork! Now that you have revealed yourself I am going to turn into Nagging Blogger Wife until you come back

Mongrel:
That cock does get around – you should allow it to open a blog!

Jeut:
And another! Hooray I’m also a non-committal type at times…we all are. Either that or Lets Just be Friends

Gav:
I think its pretty funny actually gav and actually very cheeky of me when you consider what a bloody Lurker/Stalker I am myself these days

Toasty:
Wooohooo got you out the woodwork too! Nice one! I didn’t list My Twat blogger because there is only one of them…and that’s you. didn’t want all the Wannabee Twats to get jealous yanno?

Denny:
There is a little bit of all of us in every type. If this means you are going to hell I think you will find that hell is full of bloggers. I hope they have a decent broadband connection down there.

PDD:
Shit. Does that include me?

Josh:
If you run out of funds for razors, consider plucking those hairs out. Its far more fun and a bit of pain is good for you Josh.

josh williams said...

I'm not going to pluck my brothers hairs? Gross! Wax maybe, brazilian style. But not me no, no, no, not me!

Pony Boy said...

What if the stalker knows that blockers dont work?

What if they just want to fuck with people's heads?

Oh and uriniating on a chair is way more effective than smearing it with menstrual blood...trust me.

Ian said...

People messing with bloggers stink!

Thanks for calling it like you see it! LOL ;)

jungle jane said...

Josh:
Perhaps Roscoe will do the plucking. I want to hear Toilet wimper like a mule. It turns me on. Please arrange for the plucking

Pony Boy:
You should give the blood a go - tomato sauce sachets are fantastic if you are male...unless you can get hold of some cat piss - that really stinks...

Ian:
My cat's name is Ian. seriously.

Egan said...

I'm #30. You make some great observations in this post Janey. Have you considered a career as a shrink? I love this stuff, keep on philosophizing I say.

Steph said...

Ok i think i'm a mixture of a can't commit blogger and a blogslut. *le sigh* Sooo many blogs, sooo little time :P

josh williams said...

I copied and pasted your last response and I will email it to toilet. He is in the mountains till tuesday so it might take awhile to prod a response from the big ole boiled turd , but I will let you know what he has to say in his defense, Lord have mercy on the big ole turd. Kind Regards JW

Sheri said...

I can't remember which one I am. Probably a few all rolled into one.

What I do know is that you're right on the money with those descriptions.

By the way, I am #33, so there!!

tinyhands said...

I'm just a blog booty call.

Die Muräne said...

I'm a "I love you but I'm shy"-blogger. I just comment here sometimes 'cause I want these pics...!

cool post!

Mone said...

then there is anonymous!
a few days ago I had anonymous visiting my blog and this person left about fifty!! comments. Jeez, did he try to set a record?

Maja said...

Hey nice one, great list!

Die Muräne said...

mone: I had more then 200 anonymous comments. And every single one told me how great my blog is! I looooved it!! :D

BEAST said...

JJ , JJ , JJ
***BIG SIGH****
We both know I am a slut

BEAST said...

would anyone like to come over to Beastbites and see me etchings???

Mone said...

@ muräne 200?!?
wow that must have been a boust for your self esteem ;)

gav said...

Stop saying actually!!

You will make me go postal.

Pixie Sprinkle said...

*puts on her cheerleading outfit consisting of a black pom pom and a wilted carrot and stands outside Gav's house*

Gimme an A
Gimme a C
Gimme a T
Gimme a U
Gimme an A
Gimme an L
Gimme another one of 'em L's
Gimme a Y

Y? Because i'm a pixie of course...

jungle jane said...

Egan:
No. I am going to be a priest. I feel the calling within me.

Whaaaa? whatchya snorting about. Heathen.

Steph:
Yeah i hear you. i am a total fucking hyprocrite - other than the blogroll (i just use my daughter's) i am every one on this list. Schizo? Me? nah.

Josh:
Oh don't even ask. he's bound to say yes. just catch him when he gets back and lock him in the basement - i will be there around tuesday night. get lots of tweezers, Josh - let's not overlook the micro detail

Sheri:
So you are a mongrel blogger? me too, mate - i'm totally one of your breed

Tinyhands:
fuck thats a great category - i am going to update my post immediately

Die Murane:
Well its a good thing you have never sent me dirty pictures that i have used on my blog huh?? oh and by the way its time you sent me something decent again...

Mone:
Yes - those anonymous people. i guess they are a bit like a lurker - just they are lurkers who can't be bothered to sign up? i don't allow them - they would drive me nuts

Maja:
yes i love the list - serious stuff from me. i'm trying to lift my game and write about stuff other than vaginas

Die Murane:
Shees - wasn't your hand sore after sending yourself all those anonymous comments??!!

Beastie:
Lovely where are your etchings? up your arse? i went over but all i found was a mouldy tea cup.

And you are not a slut my dear Beast. You are just 'generous with your affection', princess

Gav:
I won't respond to this comment because i am busy erecting safety glass in my windows...i sent Pixie to give you a message instead.

Pixie:
Sweety you have a bit of snot under your nose...

gav said...

You are both seriously deranged.

In a good way.

I think.

jungle jane said...

Gav:
you could be right Mr I Eat Cream On My Breakfast Cereal.

Right, Pixie??

Pixie Sprinkle said...

Total freak, mummy. makes us look almost normal.

gav said...

Don't knock it until you try it. Oh, wait - it was shit.

Ok, so I'm a freak.

Takes two to know one.

frobisher said...

What about a blogger that visits but is intimidated by the rough types that leave comments?

josh williams said...

This is from toilet he most have come home soon, why he did not comment hisself? I dunno but hes just brimming with idle threatrs....FROM THE MOUTH OF TOILET:I'll be looking into this thing that Jungle say's about me, I have no problem fighting with girls, you kick them in the crotch just like a man, whimper like a mule, MY MULE Ya'll better watch out!!!
C

Strow said...

I Love You But I'm Shy. this sums me up in all words. I barely blog myself and I rarely leave comments. Im trying to break both those habits so i can graduate into a greater bloggers and A better follower.

Nobody leaves commenst on my posts. Perhaps thats why I never blog, all but 5 or 6 people actually read mine. Send some of your loyal fans my way janie, and I ppromise I will blog if they leave commenst like everyone here on yours does.

Tickersoid said...

My God, that's all so complicated. The get out is the last one which kinda makes the others a bit meaningless. Interresting Ideas there Janey.

Toby said...

53rd! Woot!

I've never met any bloggers in life, but I have met a friend from a message board. I met her in Florida and we had a great time. We're still good friends and email almost everyday.

I'm fairly new to the whole blog thing so I haven't had time to develop any bad habbits. In time, in due time.

The Lady Muck said...

I saw no boob or cock references in that post. Now where did I put that pre-nup...

Karen Little said...

I feel so exposed and vulnerable... Do you think everyone knows I'm a blog slut? *sigh*

I must say though, being a real-life slut has paid off quite well, so I'm not going to change my ways.

Mone said...

welcome to the slut world. It's nice to have good company!

Toby said...

I need a mone, but a doctor can pay the bills.

Toby said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
josh williams said...

Damn I just got a new computer and keyboard and the thing has a mind of its own. It makes more typos than I could on my best day. I may have to hook up my old pecking board, rereading so many typos is sort of mutiliating.JW

Le Chitelier said...

Fuck Jane! I'm feeling like an "I can't commit" blogger! I don't want to be that! HELP ME JANE!!!!!

Wendy said...

I still think of myself as the virgin blogger. Dabbled a little. Enjoyed some foreplay but still have not had an orgasm. Would love to experience more of that 'physical thing.'

BEAST said...

Assume the position WENDY....
INCOMING

Mongrel Porksword said...

Hey Wendy,

We should hook upometime.

wallycrawler said...

SHIT ! I'm everything on that list except "Blog Crush" !

I'm a true neurotic I guess !

averagedrinker said...

whoah. i think i've been the one night stand blogger for about a time. my cousin who chats on webdatedotcom can be classified as the happily married blogger but can be the slut blogger,too..LOL

Spinning Girl said...

I am at least 5 of these.

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