16 May 2006

How long is your twat?

A yucky soggy tampon string squelching around your knickers is pretty fucking gross, let me tell you. Does anyone know why the strings are soooooo fucking long? Tampons strings should emulate trousers and come in lengths - Short, Regular or Tall. Alternatively tampon boxes could come with a ruler and cutter on the side so that ladies could measure up and trim the string according to their requirements.

It has of course occurred to me that possibly I simply have a freakish twat – although I have in the past enjoyed recreational fisting with my lady-friends I have never actually fisted myself and am therefore unable to make accurate comparison. No one ever lost their head up there to my knowledge either - although I did hear some muffled cries for help south of the border the last time I got back from holiday.

Now being a woman of science, I approached the mystery mathematically. Clearly I either have a hilariously short vagina or tampon string designers are all married to blue whales. What I do know with certainty is that my particular brand of tampon and its string measures out at a whopping 10 inches (25cm). After having sat on a ruler and marked my cave entrance with a piece of chalk I can report that – once I had removed the splinters – my vagina turned out to be a bit like a french fry – a mere 3 inches (8cm) long.

Making a note to ask Karen Little to kindly measure and report back to me the vaginal lengths of all of her patients, I decided continue my investigations and check out other women on my local adult sex site. Unlike the men’s section where penis size is a category (It’s amazing how many guys on the internet have 9 inch cocks) women’s vagina size is not. I immediately emailed the site administrator suggesting that they add a cavity depth category for ladies – I recommended they offer checkboxes labelled Grape, Orange or Watermelon to make it more feminine and less clinical.

So here I am now sitting at my computer and chewing the end of my ruler, and I have to say that I am just as confused as when I started: If my 3 inch vagina is normal (awaiting confirmation from Karen Little) and tampons in Australia are the same as everywhere else in the world yet most men have dicks that are 6 inches (9 inches if you hang out in chat rooms) then I think its clear to see the human anatomy is really quite fucking flawed and in fact the female vagina is totally way too small.

Fuck. No wonder we all end up having anal...
posted by jungle jane @ 2:11 pm |

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