21 May 2006

Liar!

A liar is someone who tells fibs in order to save themselves embarrassment or penalty. Everyone has their price (mine is $4.55) although it is also true to say that a little inaccuracy sometimes does save a ton of explanation.

I completed a very sobering exercise in self-analysis this week. Walking about with a notebook and a pen I was startled to discover that I average out at 9 lies per day. That’s almost the same as my daily fart tally! The only difference between me talking through my arse and blowing hot air out of it is that my lies smell fishy whereas my farts smell more like ripe bolognese.

Some of these untruths are vocational lies – the shit I spin my colleagues and clients in order to continue to appear diligent. I estimate that these account for approximately 60% of my overall daily tally. Others are hobby lies – the crap I sprout to my mates about their weight, looks and cooking skills.

Then we add to the mix the semi-lies that I am certain even Jesus would be cool with – a bit of truth sprinkled in with a total fabrication. An example of valid semi-lying would be telling a telesales caller that there are no women under 40 living in your household and then hanging up.

Lies don’t have to be an outright statement – sometimes deception occurs when information is withheld. There are also more marginal forms of deception to consider - evasion, euphemism and exaggeration. This accounts for a lot of my non-truths – every time I write a blog post for example. Does that make it okay because it's for entertainment?

Lying seems to be so essential to life that bible-types even invented a good-lie category: the white lie. Lying to help someone else is probably covered by that genre and so is self-enhancement misrepresentations - lying to make yourself look better while not hurting another. My resume springs to mind here.

I’ve always considered myself to be an exceptionally honest person - a woman of enormous integrity. It is core to my identity as a human being and I loathe dishonesty in others. Completing this little exercise this week has shocked me senseless. I’m a complete cunt! I fib constantly! This must be addressed. If anyone has any bright ideas on how I can become a truthful person please sing out.


I know that god kills a little kitten every time you masturbate. I sure as fuck hope he doesn’t extend this to fibbing.


74 comments:

Toby said...

I fib all the time to save my own ass from things more boring than I'm all ready convicted to.

Pixie Sprinkle said...

Oh goody! Now I can fib whenever I want and there is nothing you can do about it. You are a BAD PARENT.

YellowSock said...

I never lie.

gav said...

I can't help but remember George Costanza's sage advice in this area:

Remember .. it's not a lie, if you believe it.

jungle jane said...

Toby:
I am sure that's not a lie. it's a newspaper report. an entirely true one.

Pixie:
Parent rules do not apply to children. Do as we say and not as we do m'okay missy?

Sausage:
No i am sure you don't. You are a sausage - processed meat is usually entirely truthful, innit?

Gav:
Nice one. Now that's the type of advice i can work with. I think you might have just solved the whole sorry mess. thank you gav - you have made me a better person.

Fewclewz said...

Everybody lies - Except Politicians of course, one could never forgive them if Pollies actually fabricated the truth, after all, they are the very pillars of our society. So excluding Pollies, everybody lies. Everybody is also apathetic - but then, who gives a flying fuck?

Egan said...

Wow, what a wonderful topic to discuss. I think your readers are going to be shocked. Lying is such a part of life as you say. Everyone does it, it's just a question of to what degree. I too like to consider myself completely honest, but there are lies that happen and it's quite sad.

Now I'm going to self-reflect on this subject for a while to find out why I do this. Great job again Jane. You stole many thoughts out of my head.

Brookelina said...

Oh what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practice to deceive.

Brookelina said...

Also, I wrote about this topic a long time ago. Read this.

PDD said...

I am more concerned with your flatulence. Sounds like you are the prime contributor for our ozone depletion.

jungle jane said...

Fewclewz:
I am certain that pollies never lie and nor do priests, parents or schoolteachers. So where did i turn bad??

Egan:
Thank you - this is actually a serious post from me for once. its something that's been on my mind. Where is the line drawn and who is supposed to be the Lie Police. I think we all do it, yet there is a lot of judgement cast about the place towards others. I am not sure they always deserve it. its very subjective.

Brooke:
I utterly adore your post - EVERYONE go read Brooke's lie post. It looks like I am going to have to walk about with no pants on now. dammit.

PDD:
Well that's the irony - my flatulance is entirely real and true. Life works in mysterious ways...

Le Chitelier said...

@Brooke:
Your post about lying is great. I'm definitely going to have to do like Janey and not wear pants anymore. That and I think I'll always stand near a fire extinguisher whenever I commit a LOGS.

Le Chitelier said...

Oh and Janey, don't feel so bad. 9 lies per day is NOTHING. That's actually pretty fucking honest considering most people.

ChickyBabe said...

Are you opening a confessional booth? I'm starting to feel a severe case of the guilts..

Egan said...

ChickyBabe, you have something to confess? I want to hear about that silhouette of "yours".

jungle jane said...

Le Chit:
I am trying to lead a more pure life! i want to half my lie quota within 4 months. I have goals here!

ChickyBabe:
I'm with Egan - i demand a quiz re-count if that is your silhouette!

Egan:
Yes and the number of blogs is also VERY questionable! Lets go do the quiz again!

Toby said...

.

YellowSock said...

I lied.

My name isn't really Sausage.

Fewclewz said...

If "God" kills a kitten every time someone mastarbates, I feel proud to know that so far, I have eliminated four hundred HERDS of cats. With myself and fifty million Chinese Restaurants around the world, we should be able to eliminate the whole fucking lot of em!

Henri Banks said...

Today i tried some oral contact with sydney but i failed :-(

~d said...

I CAN lie real well. I come up with this amazing stories, but end up ( nine Xs outta 10 ) telling the truth b/c well, truth is stranger than fiction-and primarily b/c I have no memory to speak of. Keeping track of lies would be difficult.
( can you tell by my calm demeanor I have NOT had my meds yet? ) Dude, I was OFF the rocker the other day!

wallycrawler said...

I never lie !

Of coarse that's a lie !

I never lie about anything important anyhoo ! "Honey do you think my girlfriends tits are nice" ? "Naw I hate large firm breasts , I like dem small and sloppy like yours sweetheart" !

Ernesto Brabazoni said...

I never lie too i´m am a very honest man ....only when i try to get you in my bed i do anything for that!

Lexi said...

i agree with gav's if you believe it it's not a lie, but i'd like to add that if whomever you tell it to believes it...then it's not a lie - this is for the white lie variety, the one's to friends to help them feel better etc....
:)

barman said...

Jane, tying to cut your lies in half is an honerable goal. Do yourself a favor however, those lies that are to protect others, the lies that do not harm anyone ... go easy on wiping those out. I think if you are 100 percent honest with others no matter what people will not appreciate that.

On a silly side maybe you should run for office. Even if you lost would that not make you a pollie type which would then take you off the hook?

Zen Wizard said...

So if a woman asks a man if "[she] looks fat in [these] pants," maybe he should just fart?

Hal said...

i never lie, either.

Le Chitelier said...

Hey Janey, now that you're a saint maybe you should open a confessional booth.

jungle jane said...

Toby:
..

Sausage:
Well maybe not, but you are still tubed encased processed meat, right? and i have never known one of them to lie.

Fewclewz:
no no no bad! we want to save the kittens, not kill them. kittens are like whales - there to be saved.

Henri:
i just got your message...i emailed you. oral from Henri? i missed it? SHIT!

~d:
a good memory would be essential to people who lie for sport. they would have to remember a heck of a lot of stuff. i think it comes naturally to some though - its probably a disease and has the word 'pathalogical' in it somewhere.

Wally:
That doesn't sound like a lie - i think that is just survival instinct and ensuring you get lots of sex. I am sure God doesn't count those as proper lies.

Ernesto:
A hot guy like you doesn't have to lie. I am sure there are at least 10 ladies lining up for your bed.

Lexi:
Exactly right. That's what friends are for - i certainly don't want to hang out with friends if they are going to tell me the truth. especially about my cooking. They do seem to suggest we go to restuarants a lot though.

Barman:
I am not sure i can become a politician because i am a saint now. and i don't think saints run for office. thats the trouble with being a saint - all this bloody honesty.

Zen:
yes you should do that. just don't eat too much curry in case you end up with a large mud pie in your undies.

Hal:
You are an actor. its your entire job about pretending to be someone you are not when are are behind that camera? hmmmm?

Le Chit:
all this business of being a saint makes it very difficult when lying. i am not sure if god also has a scoresheet - in which case i'm fucked when i go to heavan.

Vince said...

Life is a lie! If we admitted the truth about ourselves--that we are simply meaningless maggots--then life would be boring. So we live a lie to survive a more happy life. A lie is simply an abstract truth, nothing to get all hyper about.

Le Chitelier said...

Poor Janey, being accused of ozone depletion when in fact, all she is doing is contributing to the greenhouse effect.
*winks at PDD*

Toby said...

Vince is a liar.

Zen Wizard said...

How come they call it, "currying favor" if curry powder makes you blast a juicer?

Le Chitelier said...

Zen - They should call it "currying flavor"

tinyhands said...

I love this blog. You're the best writer in the history of ever.

jungle jane said...

By the looks of it, everyone is a total liar. It just goes to show eh - all those who live in glass houses should be VERY careful of the size stones they keep lying around:-)

Vince:
I think your comment is unfair - Maggots are interesting. Some of my best friends are maggots. I party with them every weekend and i ASSURE you they are definitely not boring. They do lie a lot though.

Le Chit:
Finally someone who understands the importance of my contribution to conservation. Thank you for pointing out this important point.

Toby:
No i think its maggots that lie. Vince is very observant.

Zen:
Le Chit is correct - it is indeed currying favour. a different kettle of curry entirely

Tiny:
You total doll - thank you. Does this mean that you tell porkies too??

Die Muräne said...

I usually lie to girls about my huge income when I'm out with them. So I don't have to pay the bill. The little funs of life.

Pixie Sprinkle said...

My mummy told me that men with small incomes usually wear small underpants too. dunno what she meant by that.

ing said...

Mmmmm, I don't think the income has much to do with the size of the underpants. . . check the shoe size and the hands.

As for truth, sometimes the very best way to get to it is to lie. Seriously! That's why I write fiction (e.g. "lies"). Emily Dickinson said to tell the truth but tell it slant. We believe in these crazy myths such as (forgive me my outspokenness, here) those depicted in The Bible. We believe them (I think) because the underlying myth has a great degree of psychological truth. Me, I begin with an outlandish lie in my writing and by exploring the lie -- I mean, really probing it -- I think I start to figure out what's really going on.

The "truth," I mean, is rigid. Lies force us to explore truth, which, in human terms, is anything but rigid.

Or maybe I'm just a Huge Hippie.

Die Muräne said...

Pixie: you'd better believe your mom. I'm sure she knows them all :-)

Qenny said...

If I carefully present some well chosen facts, and the people that I present them to end up drawing an incorrect conclusion from them (and that's what I intended them to do) ... have I really lied?

Damn. In that case, I'm not nearly as honest as I thought I was.

Hal said...

No Jane, actors do not pretend to be someone. We portray someone whose experience may very well be well outside of our own, but we do it truthfully.

Well, the good ones do anyway. The bad ones jump up backwards on a couch and proselytize Scientology.

Maja said...

Sometimes good people do bad things.. it's okay!

Fuckkit said...

You only fart 9 times a day??

BEAST said...

I get in constant trouble for not lying , when I probably should , truth can be overrated , if someone says do you like my hair ...and you say frankly its a feckin mess , I hope you didnt pay for it....as thats the truth...do you think lying would be kinder ?????

The Lady Muck said...

Christ! Keep masturbating! If we all stop the world we be over-run! It is our duty!
Ah lying. I never lie.
Has anyone got a file for my nose?

Mone said...

I'm an honest person, but sometimes I lie to avoid to hurt people.
But then, sometimes I lie just for the fun of it... but wait, thats called fantasie, rigth Jane?
Where does the lying end and fantasie start? oh shit, my head is a mess, I dont know myself anymore. But I am a honest person - I am a Liar.

Jay said...

Now that my Mom is in town, my lie tally has been blown sky high. SHE'S the reason I'm going to The Bad Place when I die.

jungle jane said...

Die Murane:
you should carry on doing that for sure. girls love a cheapskate. You should also tell them that your granny is about to die. You will get loads of sympathy sex and you never have to call them back because they will think you are in mourning.

Pixie:
Mummy is so proud of you – how many other 6 year olds know how to spell underpants?

Ing:
M’okay so are we saying the size of his hands and shoes dictates his income? That’s interesting.

I think you are right about the fiction thing. I comfort myself with that whenever I blog. I do still laugh at everyone when they think its all true though. So I guess either way I look at it, I’m still a cunt.


Die Murane:
Hey! My daughter thinks I am a very moral lady! Keep the lie up!

Qenny:
See that’s my whole issue here – this was actually a serious post with a serious message. When is it a lie and who decides? Does it have to be a verbal porkie to make a lie or is omission in its own right a fib. And why is it okay for me to tell a tall story but someone else who has also withheld truth for their own reasons will get slated as a bastard?

Hal:
I would like you to play me when the Jungle Jane movie comes out. Are you up for the challenge? Can you portray me accurately on the big screen? Will you get false tits for the role?

Maja:
I feel much better about that then. The thing that bothers me though is that its very subjective – we walk around life deciding our own lies are okay but other peoples are not. I find that a bit weird/

Fuckkit:
Dude. I am a woman of grace and style. I have control over my rectum. You should learn from me.

Beast:
Happy birthday lovely Beast! I can’t comment on your hair because of that godawful tea towel you wear around your head. I hope you know I used it yesterday to wipe up the cat vomit? It looks very pretty on you nonetheless. There. Do you feel good now?

Lady Muck:
but what about the kittens? do you really want pussy blood all over your hands? its bad enough once a month, let alone every day...

Mone:
No. a fantasy is when you lie in bed dreaming of blowing Tommy Lee while Madonna fists you. Or is it just me?

Jay:
Oooooooh the dreaded visit!! Have you left lots of bridal magazines and baby books about the place?? Has mum done your laundry when she and aunty came to visit? Take drugs Jay. Its your best defence. Trust Aunty Janey – I am wise in these matters.

Henri Banks said...

UnderPnats unterpands hmmmm hunterpads!!?

Pixie Sprinkle said...

PantingUnder?

Karen Little said...

Crap... everyone lies... How do you think society would function if we all wandered around doing such irresponsible things as telling the bald truth all the time?

jungle jane said...

Henri:
Send me your underpants. Please. I will frame them and put them up on my wall - please please send me a pair - seriously

Pixie:
thats a nice new word. you are a clever girl

KAREN LITTLE! i am SHOCKED little missy! i will NEVER come to you and ask you if i have syphilis in case you fib and tell me that its herpes. BAD KAREN!

Motor City Monk said...

I make an effort not to lie. Some lies are better than others. Some lies are just wrong. I hate the lies that lead to a string of other lies to keep the initial lie going...those are the lies I try to avoid telling.

Karen Little said...

Nah, it's more like (to the 18 year old patient with necrotising fasciitis from her caesarean section you know is gonna be dead by morning):

'Doctor, is it going to be ok?'

'Course it will. Nothing bad is going to happen to you.'

I still can't decide if this kind of lying, which I unfortunately find myself doing on occaision, is bad or not. I mean, it's not like lying to cancer patients who still have months to live and time to get their affairs in order... It's lying to someone so they'll stop feeling scared at the scariest time in anybody's life.

Is this bad? What do you think? It bugs me a lot.

Erin O'Brien said...

Stunning revelation about the kitties. Why did it have to be kitties?

Why couldn't it be assholes?

There's such a proliferation of assholes these days. Every time I turn around, there's another asshole to deal with.

I wan't my glorious masturbation to kill assholes, damnit!

Tickersoid said...

Karen Little- That is such a hard question. I guess a day later your 'lie' makes no difference. It's all about what's best for the patient, but what is?

Lying for entertainment purposes is morally OK as long as everyone is aware of the context. It's also OK out of context, as long as you own up to it within a reasonable time frame. I'm not sure how to define that time. It's kinda like comic timing. I instictively know when it's right. Some leave it too late. It feels wrong then.

Farts only 9 times a day?

Yeh right.

morbid misanthrope said...

As an obvious "bible-type," I can assure you I do not condone the white lie.

In fact, anyone guilty of even such a paltry sin will be crucified upside-down and flayed with glass from broken whiskey bottles. Not for my own amusement, of course; for penance or something.

Henri Banks said...

i have to ask my mama first !!!

Le Chitelier said...

I second Fuckkit's shock at you only farting 9 times a day. My tally has got a be at least 90 times a day, and I'm just a corpse!

Fewclewz said...

All corpses stink like a Gorilla's arm pit, it's nature's way of letting everybody else know the fuckers are dead! They can't do much of bugger all else - which begs the question, how the fuck do you manage to type??

Fuckkit said...

I have Zen-Like control over my rectum. I have the power to hold farts in until I get into the lift or the queue at the supermarket.

jungle jane said...

Monk:
You are inspirational. From now onwards I am not going to tell strings of lies. Just short sharp ones. Like volleys of them.

Karen:
I think medical fabrication is totally okay – really I do. Being in such pain and fear is bad enough – I think what you are doing is providing comfort, not lying. I am sure of that.

Erin:
Well I don’t make up the rules. Historically it has always been kittens. I am not sure if this means that god is an arsehole or a cat hater. Everything has a price in life. Masturbation included. But if its any consolation, only the cute kittens die. The ugly ones get to live

Tickers:
Agree totally about the entertainment thing – I doubt anyone seriously believes the shit I write here is real. And I think medical lies are fine too – just not when they are spoken by a plastic surgeon wanting your money.

I am trying to cut down on my farting. Its not helping me get laid.

Morbid:
That sounds more like jolly good fun than punishment. It makes me want to tell 40 white lies before lunchtime

Le Chit:
I agree with fewclewz – I think that it’s just the stench of rotting flesh. You should try using deodorant

Fewclewz:
I’m quite partial to the smell of gorilla armpit. It reminds me of my mum

Fuckkit:
Your farting sounds spiritual. You should consider a career in religion.

YellowSock said...

I've heard it said that it is easier to tell the truth when writing fiction.

I think this is a chicken/egg question, when is it okay and who decides. Lying that is. Farting is always okay.

matty said...

You know, I seldom lie. Mainly because I so suck at it. One can easily tell if I am telling a fib and I have a horrible memory so I screw up if I lie about something. So, I think I only ever lie if to spare someone from feeling bad. Like if someone asks me if I like their cooking and I don't --- I can just say, "Um, yeah, it's really good" ...tho, I blush and I think they know I am lying but I give it the good old college try.

I wonder what my price is?

...probably the equivalent of a Diet Coke.

Fewclewz said...

I'm certain that ladies never lied back in the 1960's. You would be amazed as was I, how many young ladies told me that my charm had seduced them - (I promised I would still respect them in the morning)they were good girls really, but my charm allowed them to give of themselves despite me being only the second man to have been offered their charms.
Having said that though, It always amazed me that they knew so many of the dockers by name, not to mention the harbourside Police!

Le Chitelier said...

Fewclewz - typing is actually not that easy considering that I don't have much muscle structure left with which to move my fingers... but I get by. I've thought about getting voice recognition software, but then my voicebox has suffered from the same degredation over time so I might as well save my money and stick with typing.

Fewclewz said...

Yeah, I reckon. Must be fucking difficult, especially in that dark fuckin box you're in!

polyergos said...

I only lie because I know that none of you would believe me.

Le Chitelier said...

No no, I climb out of my coffin to use my computer. Scares the shit out of everyone every time I do.
*snickers*

BEAST said...

I am going to lie to every single person I meet today , great big ridiculous whoppers.Lets see if anyone says anything.
I once had sex with the queen and she has been hassling me ever since

Me said...

God kills a kitten everytime I masturbate!?
Wait, that's a lie isn't it?

ChickyBabe said...

Forgive for my late reply, Saint Jane. I was recovering from the shock that most people thought my silhouette wasn't mine! Sob... and the number of blogs was right at the time of the quiz but I have since been removed from the collaborative blog so that makes me look like a liar. Sob again!

So you see, that wasn't a lie. Honest I am...

Toby said...

I don't watch adult channels, my mom won't let me.