11 May 2006

Networking

I’ve been out of town for the past couple of days on the most entertaining work conference I have ever attended.

I made sure that I booked into my hotel and the conference under
Tickersoid’s name – really it seem utterly pointless to get a bad reputation myself.

I have my conference entertainment down pat these days - after checking in and collecting ‘my’ conference name tag, I always take a seat at the very front row of the seminar. I make sure I am wearing a short skirt and no knickers and at timely intervals I entertain myself by opening my legs and flashing a clean-shaven beaver at the stunned male presenter. Not only are they unable to keep track of what they are saying but naturally they find it impossible to disguise their erections in front of 700 conference delegates. For maximum effect the flashing should always be timed for when they are in the middle of the stage rather than safely standing behind the podium.

A couple of tomato sauce sachets come in handy at work seminars. I pick a female audience member of the audience who is wearing white, wait for a tea break and then smear the contents of the sachet onto the middle of the seat of her chair. If you are very discreet you can even take photos of the look on her face when she returns and upload them to your blog afterwards.

But the part of work conferences I enjoy the most are the nightly social networking drinks functions. When I meet people I swap business cards with them as soon as I possibly can and then immediately assume their identity when speaking to the next person I meet. At the end of the conversation I hand them the last person’s business card, continuing this bad behaviour for the rest of the evening. By the end of the night not only have I confused the identities of the entire gathering but I have also made all sorts of outlandish promises in the name of other people in high positions.

Finally after checking out the next day I leave a plastic fake dog shit on the entrance stairs to the hotel. It goes without saying that I adorn it with a small paper flag with the photograph of the lead speaker on one side and
Tickersoid’s Egan's company logo on the other side.

Anyhow. Enough about work stuff. Have y’all been behaving while I’ve been gone?

56 comments:

JetSetPiggy said...

Yay! I'm first!

I've been an angel, as always.

Will you be allowing 'others' to comment at any point? I fucking hate typing in my Blogger ID.

BEAST said...

JJ another class blog , I shall certainly try some of these , altho , short skirt and shaved parts in my case may well cause a roit , so maybe not that one. I have tried various forms of bad behaviour the simplest one I have found is to turn up late to an afternoon meeting , doing the sorry...sorry ...so busy didnt have time for lunch number , then whip out a raw spud and start noisily crunching your way thru it.
The effect is , believe me....magic

jungle jane said...

piggy your halo looks gold plated, frankly. the tarnish gives it away.

no i won't allow anonymous commenting cunts. it means i'd have to enable word verification. Blogger is not nearly as cool as you - they haven't twigged onto using real words to verify instead of a jumble of stupid letters that no-one can get right. Cunts.

jungle jane said...

Beast beast beast my lovely innocent beast. At your next conference i suggest you buy a fake vagina from the sex shop, get your hairy boy-legs shaved, buy a fucking mini skirt and pretend to be a girl.

Good god man. is it really that hard?

jungle jane said...

I think my next blog post is going to be entirely devoted to Beast. My god this lad needs guidance...

gav said...

I've been filling in time hiding in bushes at parks and walking tracks, masturbating until unsuspecting ladies walk by so I can jump out, scare and ejaculate over them. I also cleaned out my garage.

Normal stuff, really.

Motor City Monk said...

Thanks for the tips you networking genius.

Just drank 3 cups of black coffee and now need to take my morning dump.

Will be thinking of you...

jungle jane said...

Gav:
i am impressed - you walked tracks. exercise is so important. you know Gav, you are a very good example to the kids of today. Clean garages are important too. Gav you are truly special

Monky:
my adorable sex god you are such a charmer. will you really think of me when 'giving birth to a kiwi' or is that just a chat up line?

Motor City Monk said...

I'm sorry - you know me too well. It was just a chat up line. I got all caught up in a magazine article about Rebecca Romijn and all the new projects she's got going on.

Die Muräne said...

was in the post office all day. waiting for the picture with your tits.

I would love to write some anonymous comments in your blog

Mone said...

We were running around with the dogs smearing ketchup on chairs Jane!

PDD said...

Janie, you seriously are brilliant. Your tactics seem to flow so perfectly as your writing.

Thanks for all the tips. I have an interview today; I was recommended and highly spoken of by a memeber of the "industry". A lot of the duties fall under evening events where you have to chat it up and be social with bucket loads of booze. I am starting to make my new business cards now....

Vince said...

I got the Middle Eastern guy at the 7-11 to say "mate" after he asks customers if they need a bag. Now people think he's some "foreigner." Oh, and I sent the US ambassador to the United Nations a letter saying that if he wants to take my guns, he can have them bullets first—now I think my phone is being tapped.

Hal said...

Highlarious!

Karen Little said...

Are you as badly dressed as tickersoid when you introduce yourself as him?

You're the first person I've met to get a kick out of conferences - bravo! Tell me, though, do you ever have obligatory conference sex, thereby dreating a scandal when one sad individual mistakenly thinks he's had sex with the sad individual you introduced yourself as?

~d said...

I will so totally be doing the introducing myself as someone else and handing out their business card. That is SO right up my alley. *at the husband's HS reunion I went up to one of his ( past ) teachers and intorduced myself as my husband. First off we are about a foot different in height...the physical differences only BEGIN there. Come pop by, I drew up some questions for you.

jungle jane said...

Monk:
Rebecca would be delighted i am sure - you should write to her and let her know.

Die Murane:
That must have been fun - were you tempted to get out a gun and shoot everyone?

Mone:
It's fun, right? Maybe we can even turn it into a sport? We can use barbecue sauce for men's chairs?

PDD:
If you get that job you will have a perfect bunch of pranks up your sleeve to entertain yourself. Do remember to attend as someone else though - you don't want to get a bad reputation or anything

Vince:
by the sounds of it you should be worried. all of these activities sound a bit like you are a terrorist. See i go away for 2 days and look what happens.

Hal:
Hellarious

Karen:
I don't have such big pockets as Tickers does. I think it would be okay to root someone using his name as everything thinks he a bit gay anyhow....

~d that's hilarious! you are a girl after my own heart! i think if ever i go to a school re-union i might use your husband's name too! on my way over to spy these questions...

Tickersoid said...

Brilliant! Conferences wil probably sail by in the future.

Now where did I put my short skirt and phony vag'.

Mone said...

barbeque sauce for mens chairs, thats it! I'll try this tomorrow! As you know on fridays I leave work early to hang around with the locals. I am the hot chick over there, I'm in heaven!!!

PS: beast wants to use inflatebla JungleJane dolls for excitement... I told him you'll be here in person. Fuck plastc!

Mone said...

PS: I would sure do your brother, even if the stars say no!!
what do you say?

Egan said...

Scanning of post complete. My name not mentioned. Next blog.

Egan said...

Wow, that's impressive Jungle. Trying to think how I could work this to my advantage.

Hal said...

You know ~d, our next play is about a high school reunion. Perhaps I'll introduce this little prank into my storyline.

~d said...

You know:
Jane, I will be interested in how Pixie answers your questions...and
Hell: ( sorry, Hal! ) PLEASE keep me posted-that would be so FLIPPIN funny !

ChickyBabe said...

Was that the inaugural launch of Egan's company that you attended?

jungle jane said...

Tickers:
I am sure your reputation can't get any worse after i walked around with your name on my tit causing havoc. You're welcome.

Mone:
The last time i saw beast he was trying to have a conversation with his inflatable Jungle Jane doll. I keep telling him that he doesn't have to bother chatting it up.

Who cares what the stars say - let me tell you there is NOTHING wrong with fucking my brother. Nothing at all.

Egan:
Shall i send a photo of the turd to your boss? you might get a promotion. you deserve it, you know

Hell:
What your play needs is some inflatable Jungle Jane dolls. Trust me.

~d:
Little Miss Pixie is grounded today. she will be answering your questions tomorrow and if the little minx DARES be dishonest she will get a clip around the ear from me...you can be sure of that...i am *very* interested to see what she says...

ChickyBabe:
i have no idea what the subject matter of the conference was - i was too busy smearing tomato sauce all over the place to concentrate...

Motor City Monk said...

If I had my very own inflatable Jungle Jane doll...I would...mmmmm...I would treat it right...nearly every night...without a fight...in sight.

Pixie Sprinkle said...

Mr Monk would you be able to get your JJ doll to climax?

Jozee said...

We were supposed to behave?

josh williams said...

I used to do the same thing more or less but it landed me in jail, sexual discrimination at work! They had me labled as a flasher? The multiple peronality thing comes natural. Strong work Jane, you did something I could never pull off, so to speak.

Le Chitelier said...

Does not going to work for an entire week count as misbehaving?

Egan said...

ChickyBabe, if I had a company... what would it be?

DorianGray1854 said...

Jane
you should turn this into a comical movie, "Convention Crashers" I would love t play your faithful sidekick, who is ignorantly causing trouble for the team:)

Toby said...

I agree with Dorian. It would make a hilarious short film. Next time you're in the US maybe I can take you along to one of my "bored" meetings?

ing said...

Please do feel free to use my name with abandon. I have a reputation for being a virgin, and as such, I'm not getting anywhere. . .

Egan said...

Toby, you need to run with the "bored meeting" idea.

~d said...

Holla at Egan and Toby:
no doubt, I like the Bored Meeting idea too !

BEAST said...

JJ I wasnt chatting up the doll....did I get oral sex wrong AGAIN....I followed Frobishers instructions

PDD said...

Janie, I will be purchasing a wig and fake nails as well as fake eyelashes.

I am still trying to decide what colour my wig should be.

matty said...

Oh, I'd LOVE to go to a conference with you!!!! It would be such fun!!! Tho, I really don't want to get arrested and I fear that could happen.

morbid misanthrope said...

I've never been to one of those conferences before. The boss never lets me out of my unlit, unventilated basement office. When it's conference time, he gives me a candle so I can assemble furniture while he's gone. He just tells everyone at the conference that I couldn't make it because of "family issues." French bastard.

Toby said...

Morbid, you too? I've been stuck in my basement for 4.5 years. It's only been since last December I get to attend meetings with the higher class. I'd rather stay in the basement.

jungle jane said...

Monk:
It seems the Inflatable Jane Dolls have a design flaw – some joker built them with a mouse trap in an area you probably wouldn’t want to find one. I do hope you didn’t suffer any last injuries?

Pixie:
Be quiet sweetie…the grown ups are talking

Jozee:
Well I certainly was on my best behaviour as usual. I was hoping you would be keeping an eye on everyone back here. I’m glad to see the place is nice and tidy – good job Jozee

Josh:
My word this new workplace legislation is boring. Is being a flasher a crime these days? Good grief – I worry that the world is just too damn politically correct. They have NO respect for your art, Josh. None.

Le Chit:
No. that is called Spending The Whole Week Doing Your Assignment That Should Have Been Handed In On Tuesday

Dorian:
You’re hired! I have a wonderful starring role for you in my next Convention caper. I just hope that you don’t get a reputation as seminar slut

Toby:
Let’s do it! Its even worth a blog post. Toby’s Bored Meetings. I think there is a lot of room for mirth in that.

Egan
We all know that you are a tampon salesman. We admire that you can sell tampons in French too.

Ing:
Fantastic – next time its your name on my name tag. Do you have any preference for waxed or shaved? Full Brazillian or a few cheeky hairs on the landing strip?? You tell me – I would hate to give you the reputation of being bald down there if your preference is a little bit of fur.

~d:
I think its worthy of a post. Tell us what you would do at a Bored Meeting?

Beast:
I hope you didn’t do anything dirty to the JJ doll – those mouse traps in every orifice are apparently causing endless disfigurement all around the world. That’s why Frobisher has a bandage around his knob at the moment

Matty:
Ohhhh yes we could have heaps of fun. Actually its most fun when the Speaker is a gay man. So hard to stop them from vomiting when I gape at them all through their speeches

Morbid:
Okay lemme guess – you work as a Gimp? You know I could have a lot of fun with that candle in a dank dark basement

Toby:
Come along, we are late for our meeting.

Toby said...

We have to ride the elevator three floors. Quicky?

Le Chitelier said...

Damn!

Steph said...

Do you flash your gash Sharon Stone styleee?

josh williams said...

I have become what I have beheld and I am satisfied that I have done what I beheld, but maybe in a differant context.

YellowSock said...

I think it's just precious how you call ketchup packets "tomato sachets."

jungle jane said...

Toby:
Three floors is all i need to get off. But what about you?

Le Chit:
Finish that assignment!

Steph:
Is Sharon Stone pierced too?

Josh:
I will not stand in the way of your satisfaction, sir. I am pleased that you are beholden.

Sausage:
My dear you forget that you are on the international stage now.

ing said...

In re:the fur -- could we wax it into a pentagram? I think that would do wonders for my current rep.

jungle jane said...

Ing yes of course we can. We can also attach a few christmas lights if you wish?

BEAST said...

As a trained first aider....should JJ 'flash her gash' at me , I would of course give it a good wash with disinfectant and apply a suitable wound covering.
You can never be too careful

Pixie Sprinkle said...

I suggest your wear nose plugs too Beast

~d said...

OK: first off I DID THE BUSINESS CARD THING ! I went to get the kids' haircut and the only business card I had was http://iposeforclothes.com/splash.php

So I tnroduced Myself as 'Craig' and offered my card. The hair lady gave it back. Heh heh heh !

***as for the Bored Mtg? I am a shit stirrer an instigator...I like to talk other ppl into doing things that are ( umm ) inappropriate. So, I would be telling bad, bad in poor taste jokes to the person next to me. I would be wiping my nose when the speaker looked at me: you know as though the speaker had something on THEIR face...Yeah. My style. Very childish, but it works for me.
I am also the one who thinks it is worht the $50 or less to crush up what ever RX I happen to have access to: E, or Xanax, or Valium, or Adderall, and add it to the hummas. LUCKY are those who eat the crushed chickpeas!

Maja said...

Excellent work JJ! I've been on break and loving it.

morbid misanthrope said...

my official title is Editor, but I suppose you're close enough.