In my limited experience there seems to be two genres of falling for someone: the brutally awful vom-vom type and the kittens/roses/fluffy type.
The first type - Bad Love - is a merry little goblin who dances around your heart and then turns on you with a machine gun. Actually Bad Love is fairly easy to spot thanks to our inbuilt gut instincts, although most of us choose to interpret these signals as the urge to take a crap.
The second type – Good Love – is a lot more enjoyable for you, but hideous for your mates who walk off from your lovestruck babbling feeling like their ears are bleeding. Your constant 100-watt smiles, glazed faraway facial expression and the “If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance” attitude makes everyone want to stab themselves in the eye with a very sharp pen.
Either way you look at it, your friends draw the short straw every time you get the horn for someone new. Sometimes it goes on for months until eventually we either get together with our new love or the pin is pulled on our daydreams. And let’s face it - when the pin is pulled, Mr Grenade is not your friend.
Seeing as your friends are the ones that truly suffer every time you fall in love I think it is only fair that they be given the opportunity to circumvent all this crap.
I will get the ball rolling. From now onwards, anybody wishing to date me will need to apply to my Panel of Concerned Friends, chaired by the lovely Mone. You will be required to pay the application fee ($229) and attend a two hour interview during which you will be assessed to see whether or not you are boyfriendable.
- Your morals will be tested by your ability to avert your eyes when my best mate takes her top off.
- You will be required to pay for expensive champagne to gauge your Levels of Stinginess.
- You will be handed an inflatable butt plug and timed on how long it takes you to insert it.
- A large cat will be placed in your lap and if you flinch you will be scored as a cat hater.
- You will be required to display your penis to establish whether or not you have foreskin and if you do, exactly how flappy it is.
- Finally you will be asked to pitch the panel in 10 minutes or less as to why you believe that you are a suitable applicant for the position of My New Boyfriend.
The Panel’s decision will be final and no correspondence will be entered into.
I feel sure that I have covered all bases. If I have forgotten anything else that my panel should be considering I urge you to let me know. If you would like my panel to consider your application please say so and I will forward you the paperwork. Bear with me people...this tough love system benefits the whole world. Remember that love is a disease that pollutes the brain and renders a person part-retarded.
That is all. Thank you for your interest.