23 May 2006


Entering into a love relationship with someone new requires commitment. So does insanity.

In my limited experience there seems to be two genres of falling for someone: the brutally awful vom-vom type and the kittens/roses/fluffy type.

The first type - Bad Love - is a merry little goblin who dances around your heart and then turns on you with a machine gun. Actually Bad Love is fairly easy to spot thanks to our inbuilt gut instincts, although most of us choose to interpret these signals as the urge to take a crap.

The second type – Good Love – is a lot more enjoyable for you, but hideous for your mates who walk off from your lovestruck babbling feeling like their ears are bleeding. Your constant 100-watt smiles, glazed faraway facial expression and the “If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance” attitude makes everyone want to stab themselves in the eye with a very sharp pen.

Either way you look at it, your friends draw the short straw every time you get the horn for someone new. Sometimes it goes on for months until eventually we either get together with our new love or the pin is pulled on our daydreams. And let’s face it - when the pin is pulled, Mr Grenade is not your friend.

Seeing as your friends are the ones that truly suffer every time you fall in love I think it is only fair that they be given the opportunity to circumvent all this crap.

I will get the ball rolling. From now onwards, anybody wishing to date me will need to apply to my Panel of Concerned Friends, chaired by the lovely Mone. You will be required to pay the application fee ($229) and attend a two hour interview during which you will be assessed to see whether or not you are boyfriendable.

  • Your morals will be tested by your ability to avert your eyes when my best mate takes her top off.
  • You will be required to pay for expensive champagne to gauge your Levels of Stinginess.
  • You will be handed an inflatable butt plug and timed on how long it takes you to insert it.
  • A large cat will be placed in your lap and if you flinch you will be scored as a cat hater.
  • You will be required to display your penis to establish whether or not you have foreskin and if you do, exactly how flappy it is.
  • Finally you will be asked to pitch the panel in 10 minutes or less as to why you believe that you are a suitable applicant for the position of My New Boyfriend.

The Panel’s decision will be final and no correspondence will be entered into.

I feel sure that I have covered all bases. If I have forgotten anything else that my panel should be considering I urge you to let me know. If you would like my panel to consider your application please say so and I will forward you the paperwork. Bear with me people...this tough love system benefits the whole world. Remember that love is a disease that pollutes the brain and renders a person part-retarded.

That is all. Thank you for your interest.


Fewclewz said...

Well, fuck my old boots - I'm fuckin first agen!
Thems is pretty stringent rules Janey.Can't remember them all now, but Cheese and Rice mate, buying expensive bottles of bubbly gnats piss?
I don't mind showing me willy provided that you have a surgeon on standby in order to prise the likkle bastard out of me navel! Little fucker hides away in there sometimes.

Lu said...

What a brillant idea! If I could have interviewed my friend's boyfriends they would n't have got the job.

Fewclewz said...

I don't mind the inflatable butt plug either, so long as you keep it under 120 lbs pressure!
Shit Janey - you know that all men think with their dicks! Thats a bit savage mate making them fork out $229, anyone managing to play hide the sausage in the first coupla days of a rootin relationship will pay that out - although I guess times have changed now huh.
I mean, if it's the money you want why not just go out on the batter?

jungle jane said...

are your old boots applying for the job? well if they can stump up the application fee, i'm down with that

yes its a great idea! i am sooooo over watching the train wreck that is my mates falling for utter twats. mind you...i am certain they would say the same for me from time to time. it would save a lot of hassle i reckon. tough love from your friends, you know.

fewclewz (2)
i assure you that the money is simply to cover the expenses of the Panel. this is not a new revenue stream. would i be so mercenary and callous? noooooo!

Toby said...

In Amsterdam they only charge 50 guilders.

Die Muräne said...

Is there a reduced fee for a one-weekend-relationship?

PDD said...

Janey: I have a fabulous cab, a cat that not only sits comfortably on my lap but wants to sit on Toby's face, and no foreskin...

Qenny said...

So far, it's all reading like another straight woman who wants a gay man who happens to be straight ...


jungle jane said...

my point exactly. the 50 guilders is only for an hour. my $229 application fee is for a whole relationship. Dude. apply now before applications close due to high demand.

Die Murane:
fuck. now you want me to do mathematics? no. fuck that. please remember that this is for the good of the world. surely $229 is not too much to pay for your friends sanity?

your cat sounds strange. i hope he retracts his claws when he is sitting on Toby's face? wow. pdd has a gay cat.

Qenny thinks i am heterosexual. BWAHAHHAHAHHAHHA...okay people...who is going to set the record straight?

matty said...

I'm worried I'd never attract anyone due to my application fee.

...I've had my share of Bad Love.


Motor City Monk said...

I'm confused. Are you looking for cock, pussy or both?

jungle jane said...

i would pay $1,000,000 for one night of gay love with you. maybe we should make a website with a database of Bad Lovers to warn others?

fuck. i had to chose a gender to make the post read smoothly. girl...boy...tannie...who cares - you know me - i'll fuck anything. just cross out the "male" box on the form and check the "female" box if you're a girl

Die Muräne said...

As I see there's no one in line till now. Maybe you'll come back to my offer later on...

Toby said...

I could breeze by the quizical interview from your mates and I'm not afraid of cats. I'm circuimsized and I would occasionally splurge on expensive things. I'm leary about the butt plug and my moral obligation to avert my eyes when it comes to your friend removing her shirt. $229 is a lot of money. Is that in Aussie dollars? Why don't we just delclare me "boyfriend" and spend the money on a couple bottles of Dom?

Mone said...

You'll be protected Jane!! I'm on the panel!!

jungle jane said...

Die Murane
you need glasses. the line is now 2 miles deep. if you pay double i will arrange for you to be 50th in the queue??

we might have a deal. fantastic. yes its aussie dollars which is like fuck all in US dollars. now all you need to do is an impassioned plea to the panel and the bag is in the bag. YEAH! i might have sex, people!

jungle jane said...

fuck you are the chairman of the panel. can you please make sure you take lots of photos of those foreskins?

Strow said...

I have always had a soft spot for you in my months of lurking here Janey, but i must say it seems you may terribly high maintenance. I am no good for things like that. Maybe if you lower your standards you could end up with a great guy something like me.


Toby said...

An impassioned plea by Toby.

To whom it concerns,

I know where you live. I know you'll make the right decision.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation.


Anita said...

foreskin? I've slept with quite a few jackasses here in the States and I've never seen foreskin. Could you post a picture? Perhaps of an unsuspecting applicant? I'd just Google it but we have restricted internet at my job...

jungle jane said...

dude. fuck. what? i am SO low maintenance. all i need is pussy, cocaine, pot, pills, red wine, a nice massage, money and a firm cock. jesus. high maintenance? i can see you don't have any sisters...

look bribing the judges does not help your application and nor does begging. you are doing well toby - your lack of foreskin puts you at the top of the list. just pray Toby - God will sort it out for you.

i cannot post a foreskin pic - i have never seen one. i believe they are not dissimilar to the flappy end of a beef sausage though. does that help?

The Lady Muck said...

I agree. Especially the retarded part. I'm taking this post as a sign...

The Lady Muck said...

Although... the process does sound abit like arranged marriage, doesn't it?
*runs for fucking life*

jungle jane said...

lady muck
yes this post is a sign. poor bastard who is at the receiving end of it. lets hope he has a MASSIVE sense of humour

Toby said...

I wasn't bribing nor begging. I was threatning and harrasing.

Tickersoid said...

My foreskin is so long I use the sihk style wrapping techinque to make it presentabe. I tuck the knot out of the way under my frenum.

jungle jane said...

dude you should try cajoling. chicks love that shit. tony you are still the front runner due to your lack of foreskin. keep cajoling.

fuck. up til then you were my Mr Perfect. If i waive the application fee will you consider having that foreskin removed? i will make it worth your while, i swear...

Toby said...

It's difficult to cajole when in the confines of my cold, sterile, basment office.

My old stand by:

Women. I love'em in frills, I love'em in lace, but I love'em the best when they sit on my face.

~d said...

This has been a most exciting ride, thank you Jane, for such wonderful entertainment! WOO !
( I have no penis to show. Sparked interest in PDD's cat, however )

BEAST said...

Cant I just admit upfront I am a crap boyfriend , but go on the reserves bench for a good shag ????

BEAST said...

Anita , if you want to see what a foreskin is like , when you next have some time with a circumsed know , wrap a rasher of bacon round the top like a turban , that will give you the general idea , if its a small knob an anchovy fillet may suffice and give you a genuine fishy aroma ....best avoided on pizza night....enjoy

Motor City Monk said...

i am SO low maintenance. all i need is pussy, cocaine, pot, pills, red wine, a nice massage, money and a firm cock.

Fuck, you are low maintenance like me - all I need is lot's of pussy, vodka, coffee, money and music.

Le Chitelier said...

Tickersoid! That was NASTY!

And you too Beast!

*looks grossed out but still manages to snicker*

Die Muräne said...

it still looks like I'll have a great cheap weekend....wwuuuuuaaahahahaaaa!

NATEMARE said...

Just think Beast, there will always be the same discussion you and Rich had at the BBQ last year...

JJ - in all seriousness, I agree with your plan... friends usually do have your best interests in heart, so sometimes it does pay to listen to them.

barman said...

Jane, can't I just eb a quicky, a one night stand or maybe a weekend. No strings attached so the mates don't have to worry about a thing. There should be nothing for you to go on and on about. I sure I can make it through a weekend and come off like OK.

As to the requirements, no forskin but I am afraid I can be a bit tight. Man I think I could just about... not a good idea. Then again I do not pee in the pool and I stay out of the swim lanes in pools so you athlete types don't get all bothered. There might be hope. Here let me gather up one of these now serving numbers here...

Hey, they ran out. No fair!

Mongrel Porksword said...

All of those requirements would be waived for me.

Me said...

Why didn't I think of that? Get laid PROPERLY and make a bit of cash off the applicants. Good plan.

jungle jane said...

Basement office? Ah – the whole world loves a gimp you know. I just cannot guarantee that you will ever find me in frills. I’m just not really the frilly type of chick. I think ~d likes frills though?

I am happy that my bad taste in men has been entertaining for you. Funnily enough, all my friends seem to have bad taste too. Don’t worry if you don’t have a penis – it means that you don’t have a foreskin either. I have plenty of plastic penises in my second drawer down next to my bed. But they don’t have penises either. Win-win.

I have an urge to wrap a bit of bacon around the top of mother theresa’s turban. You are welcome to apply for the position of Casual Fuck Buddy but the panel for that is different. You are required to perform cunninglingus on 6 of my best friends and then discuss your technique afterwards. There is no application fee for this – just public humiliation. I’ll put your name down, yeah?

Yeah I’m with you sister. What’s with all these high maintenance demanding types? First they want the pussy shaved, then they moan there is not enough ice in the vodka…the coffee is too strong, the money is the wrong currency and turn that fucking music down.

Le Chit:
Boys are horrible. They have no sense of decorum. Let’s you and me start the Foreskin Appreciation Society, shall we?

Die Murane:
Yes and if you keep lying about your income, we may even feel sorry for you and give it all up for free.

I don’t think you realise how demanding us women are. If you want to simply fuck me the panel selection criteria is even more difficult. You will have to prove your athleticism and ability to make me growl by first rooting my 11 best friends to orgasm. Good luck Nate – I hope you have a lot of stamina

I see you have been working on your pitch – nice work. My friends have already earmarked you as being a strong contender for the job. You get bonus points for keeping in the paddling lane and if you can prove that you don’t piss in the pool? Well shees – I think you could well be the guy for me.

I have spoken to the selection panel and I am afraid that they have confirmed that you still need to appear before the committee. They said that if you waxed those fluffy pubes off they may reconsider their position though.

And not only that, you save your mates the agony of picking up the pieces of your lousy boyfriend choices. And of course you all get to go out on the town with that lovely cash. Perhaps I should increase the fee and spend the rest on a nice collection of sex toys?

~d said...

too true ! I have no foreskin !!

Vince said...

I can size up a gent at first glance--I oughta be on your panel, but I have no time...Too busy looking for a perfect girlfriend--Rich, beautiful, and can put up with all my shit...

Zen Wizard said...

I think the following tests should be offered as alternates for the "liking cats"-test:

1) Holding a Stradivarius in your lap without cringing; and,

2) Eating some leftover "#71 Beef & Broccoli" from a Chinese restaurant that has recently been closed by the health department.

josh williams said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
josh williams said...

Can I just send you the money and spare myself the rejection letter, I'm a real butter fingers when it comes to but plugs. Though I am a cat lover I love them parbroiled...

Brookelina said...

The brutally awful vom-vom type - been there, done that. I feel that this automatically qualifies me to be on the panel.

Could you please explain this recent obsession with foreskin? No wait. Don't.

jungle jane said...

I am sure you can arrange to have a foreskin implant? they do that these days don't they? just get the end of a raw sausage and sew it on yourself

Well i think we can arrange a panel for you. I just don't recommend you consider any of my friends - with their track records i would suggest you run awayyyy

Well okay, lets leave the cat thing out of it. but i think we should swap beef with something fish - cod or something. its very hard to disguise the stench of rotten fishy things. beef one can eat for months after its sell by date.

No, i want you to apply - really i do. How about we substitute the bugg plug with a nice strapon vibrator? a man can never have too many penises

the foreskin thing is not recent - i used to have the nickname Foreskin Jane because i am so terrified of them. you really don't want to know why i am suddenly so interested in them. seriously you don't.

Toby said...

Yeah, I traded away a lousy boss and shit hole of a place to work for a basement office where sometimes in the winter I can go an entire week with out seeing daylight. But there are benefits. I have a great boss, the atmoshphere is very relaxed, I'm allowed to cruise the internet for chicks (I should most definitely stay away from porn though) and I have five weeks of vacation, plus all the retirement and insurance things.

No worry here about the frills. We'll mostly be naked anyway.

morbid misanthrope said...

Getting girlfriends turned all the alcohol-swilling, metalhead lunatics I used to hang out with into wimpy, vegan, straight-edge pussies.

I have a theory that these "girlfriends"--possibly succubi--castrated all my friends and stole their souls, replacing them with hummus.

Brookelina said...

If a man bearing foreskin truly loves you, he'll have it cut off. Snip snip!! In fact, we can have a briss! We'll make it an event. I'll call the caterer. And the moile.

Toby said...

We don't need a moile, it isn't only Jewish foe. I'm willing to snip clean the man that wins. I'll travel at my own expense. I won't charge an american dime.

Toby said...

Cajole at its finest.

ChickyBabe said...

Can I be a silent voter on the panel so I can judge the perve-factor?

Polyman2 said...

Boy, I'm missing out on
all the fun...

Mongrel Porksword said...

I don't have foreskin, so I hope that doesn't hurt my chances.

jungle jane said...

do you work as a gimp? it sounds a lot like you do. i wasn't aware that gimps were given vacation - you must be a very lucky gimp indeed.

are you quite sure about that? it sounds suspiciously like it might have been your influence that turned them into hummus. after all it does seem like you are the common denominator here

you are - as usual - ABSOLUTELY right. If any bloke really seriously did fancy me I think he would book into a clinic immediately and have the snip. And he could keep the little bit of skin in a bottle on the mantlepiece to shout his affection for me out to the whole world. yes. that works for me.

You better get your passport ready and make sure that you can get a visa for the UK. you will wash the scissors before you do the snip snip won't you? i am rather fond of the fella and don't want his dick falling off just because of a few germs.

I don't think we should cajole - i am certain he will very happy submit to your operation if he truly fancies me.

How about we appoint you as Foreskin Measurer? all you need to do is record the amount of excess skin and whether it looks chewy or not.

POOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLY! you are back! i missed you dammit! good thing you came back when you did - we were just checking out foreskins a minute ago and i would hate yours to feel rejected.

No, that gives you a strong competitive advantage actually. Although i suspect some of the judges might be open to bribery so really it might not matter anyhow

YellowSock said...

I resemble this post. All except for the kittens rainbows and happy goody type love thing.

As your friend, I will do my very best to diligently screen all (well, most) of the applicants for foreskin length, talent and congeniality.

Toby said...

My passport is always convenient. It was less than a year ago I was on my to the back woods of China to teach English. Then I realized I didn't know but American.

Toby said...

Good government gig.Lots of paid time off.Great area for IT prfessionals and waitresses at hotels. No fore skin. Lots of laying around at home in off months. Live summer months, huge travel, local travel to Milwaukee and Chicago for Blues Fest, Taste of, Milwuakee, Summerfest, Harley Davidson Anniversary

josh williams said...

Oh a strap on... now I feel more comfortable, I was feeling weird and out of place for a moment.Shite I'll have to head out to the temperture controlled strap on shed and find just right one...I

matty said...

OHHHHH! A web site devoted to our bad lovers! Speaking for myself, that could be a fun and big web site!!!!

I would pay even more for a gay love affair with you!!!!

Jerry said...

wtf...you are back on and I find you out from the fringes.....damn!

where's the love?

PDD said...

Umm... may I butt in here and ask toby to get my husband a job where he works. I would like to have some sex with my husband without feeling guilty that I am wearing him out more than he already is.

jungle jane said...

Kittens are overrated - and besides guilt at them dying curtails my masturbation activities. I would be proud to have you on the panel, Sausage. And you can help yourself to any leftover applicants too, if you like?

Any job that offers a foreskin free environment is very progressive i would say. Did they pay people to come around and suck your dick too?

We could also have a special section for Bad Blog Roots. that way all of our readers would have to be really nice to us all the time in case we made false accusations against them.

Dude! WTF! i commented on your blog like a hundred times! i thought you got bored of me or something. Drop us an email sometime, sugar

I have a feeling that the job Toby is referring to was in China. This means that you would have to move to China. If not, you will be having a lot of cyber sex if you are in Canada and hubby is in China. No, i fear your plan is flawed, lovely PDD.

Henri Banks said...

I dont want to get sick i just want to have sex SEX S E X ! ! !

jungle jane said...

Right-ho Henri. How about having sick sex?

Mone said...

I hate to tell you Jane that there were no qualifying penises with foreskin before my panel yet. But I'm on the look out!
I did throw some candidates out the door before they were able to open there pants, because as soon as they opened their mouth I'd get the cramps.

jungle jane said...

Mone mone mone mone nonononono you have it the wrong way around - i want a penis with no foreskin.

The only execption to this is men who are 6 foot tall and who would look very cute with long hair.

BEAST said...

JJ count me in on the casual fuck buddy application , I am just shaving me tongue in preparation for the cunnilingus x 6 , and well the technique needs no explanation afterwards...think truffling pig........

Egan said...

Wow, a second semi-serious post. Your readers are going nuts... thinking about flabby skin instead.

NATEMARE said...

Yep, put in my application too. I'll do more exercise this week to pump up before the flight...

Of course, you'll hear of my death when the Virgo finds out HA! :-)

Fewclewz said...

If Air Lingus (Ireland's National Airline)were to merge with Cunard........would the new company name be Cunnilungus???
Just asking??

Fuckkit said...

Shouldn't the panel stalk potential long term shag to make sure he doesn't have any psychotic tendencies or a penchant for locking women in the basement and feeding them liver?
Just a thought.

Henri Banks said...

do i have a foreskin....dont i have a foreskin ......do i have a foreskin ....dont i have a foreskin ......do i have a foreskin ....dont i have a foreskin ......do i have a foreskin ....dont i have a foreskin ...... do i have a foreskin....dont i have a foreskin ......do i have a foreskin ....dont i have a foreskin ......do i have a foreskin....dont i have a foreskin......do i have a foreskin....dont i have a foreskin ...... do i have a foreskin....dont i have a foreskin ......do i have a foreskin ....dont i have a foreskin ......do i have a foreskin ....dont i have a foreskin ......do i have a foreskin ....dont i have a foreskin ...... do i have a foreskin....dont i have a foreskin ......do i have a foreskin ....dont i have a foreskin ......do i have a foreskin....dont i have a foreskin......do i have a foreskin....dont i have a foreskin ...... Hmmm i dont Know :-(

Erin O'Brien said...

Son't go through all this bother, Janey. Just watch how the mother effer treats the waitress.

Anita said...

Thanks beast! Mmm. I'm suddenly in the mood for bacon.

Coincidentally I don't see how vaginal lips got the nickname "meat curtains" when that's clearly what foreskin is.

Tickersoid said...

Crikey, with the retained $229 application fee, I could buy the champagne.

It'll mean revising my bungy jumping technique and I'll have to relearn how to piss acurately, but as my dear departed mum always used to say, 'faint heart and foreskin never won fair lady'.

That was what she said, wasn't it 'Fewclewz'?

Tickersoid said...

Oh, and don't listen to Fuckkit, she's sick and twisted.

*kicks basement door shut with heel*

Jazzy Justin said...

I haven't been here for a while, but your blog is still fucking hilarious. I really like your love panel idea, too. I actually have a panel like that to judge my new boyfriends. They are my bitchiest gay buds (or mates, as you would say), who verbally lacerate any potential guy I like, causing them to run in fear, and never return to the boy bar where we met. Oh well.

wallycrawler said...

Oh I wish I could get in line to be a suitor , but I'm married !

Shhhh..meet me at the Crowne Plaza @ Coogee Beach , room 312 at 8pm. K ? Bring da plug !

Toby said...

They don't pay people to sck my dick, but that is going in the suggestion box. Thanks.

I was planning on using my dull, rusty spoon. Don't worry, I'll spit on it first.

Tickersoid said...

I don't actually own a but plug but I've been practicing with a tractor inner tube.

Are you timing in seconds or hours?

Mone said...

@ henri please make up your mind!!
If you want to have sick sex with JJ just tell her anything she needs to hear. And bring a few buckets of beer! JJ will appreciate it!
@tickersoid you seem to have a very kind mom, you are considered a chance. But by beer for the 229$! And for me some whiskey!
@juicyjustin sorry pal, I know thats what they all say, but lets just be friends ;)
@wallycrawler the panel preferres married man
@toby dont worry, JJ has a chainsaw! So much to your rusty spoon silly!

Karen Little said...

I think as well as testing the potential beau's ability to avert his gaze from the sight of naked boobs, the panel should also test his ability to avert his gaze from a sports channel.

Toby said...

Well, I'm safe in that category. I will watch football, but only Green Bay once in a while. I like underwater basket weaving, but it's never on regular TV.

josh williams said...

My foreskin is in a jar at the Smithsonian on a shelf in the basement next to John Dillengers tallywacker.

BEAST said...

how many donuts can you get under ya foreskins boys ??????

6.... Hubba Hubba ....whose the daddy

jungle jane said...

Beast (1)
Well Mone is head of the panel, so if she’s into bulldogs eating porridge it’s a walk in the park for you. I think you should consider tongue exercises too – you don’t want to rock up unfit and underprepared.

That is because it’s a little known fact that not only am I a top athlete but I am a sage too. A philosopher. I am here to educate and pontificate to make the world a better place.

You can exercise on the plane too. The competition is going to be fierce. The Virgo will understand – this is after all a once in a lifetime opportunity. And if you don’t win, you could always be in the running for a consolation prize – one of my mates is bound to fancy you if you can only do something about disguising that accent of yours.

I guess people who fly Air Cunninglingus would never consider flying Virgin Air??

*thinks very very long and hard. Continues to ponder. Simply cannot see why eating chopped liver tied up in manacles in a wet dank basement is bad*

We can help you with this. Send me a photo of your dick and I will load it to my blog and get all these lovely readers to vote on whether you have one or not. Easy.

You may have a very good point. If it’s a topless waitress we can kill two birds with one stone. Nice one Erin. You are wise.

Classic! You are absolutely correct! I can totally see why a vagina is called a “bowl of lasagne” but meat curtain? That’s sooooo what I am calling Beast’s foreskin

Tickers (1)
As long as you can still write your name in the snow, I don’t think you need to worry about pissing accuracy too much. Women love it when they go to the loo and the rim is full of piss and pubes.

Tickers (2)
Since Fuckkit came to Australia she’s gone all conservative on us
*throws the basement key out the window and leers at the plate of liver*

Lovely Justin! Welcome back! Actually I thought I might make my panel entirely consisting of my bitchy gay men friends – they would be so much more honest than the girls. The problem is that I would never get laid – I am sure they would reject every applicant for the job.

And who said that my new boyfriend has to be single? Actually. lemme think. yes he has to be single. Mone, could you add that to the requirements list please?

Tickers (3):
I think your problem is that you are trying to insert after inflating.

1. Insert
2. Inflate

That is the order of events.

You were SOOO the perfect choice to head up this panel, mone. You are truly doing a sensational job here. I am going to buy you a nice bunch of flowers and a cute little chainsaw with all the money we rake in from those application fees.

There will be no sport allowed in this house. Not unless you consider light bondage with a bit of Strap On Joy to be a sport?

Maybe you should watch something other than the Adult Channel then, hmmm?

Oh I don’t think it is. I visited Smithsonians and had calamari for lunch out of their canteen. I am certain the menu mentioned that it was your foreskin. I don’t usually make mistakes with things like this Josh. Battered Josh Williams Foreskin and Chips with a side salad - $8.99. the tartar sauce was an extra 50c.

Beast (2)
Not fair. Girls can’t play the donut game. In fairness to women, I have extended your challenge to donuts up the vagina. I can fit 11 of them. The round jam ones. Now who’s a hoochie mamma?

cadbury_vw said...

just out of interest, don't you think it would be mildly insulting to your friend if the guy didn't look when she took her top off?

so, is your morals test accurate?

if the guy looks, but not too salaciously, and says something complimentary, but not piggish, and doesn't try to hit on her - then he might just be very sensitive

and your morals test might have proved that he would rather make your friend happy than insult her

[heh, heh]

Egan said...

How's the most popular blogger on the planet doing today?

jungle jane said...

hmmmm. i have thought about it. nope. no looking. in fact i am going to make it even harder. The Tit test will occur at the same time as penises are being examined for evidence of a foreskin. If he gets an erection...well that's it. he's out. and his application fee is not refundable. end of story.

Talking to yourself again, i see my dear. No wonder you are the world's most popular blogger.

Toby said...

What about location and whose going to change theirs?

I watch very little TV. I don't have cable, only an atenna on my roof that is slowly decomposing. After every storm there are more pieces of it strewn about in my yard.

P.S. I fear I left a silly and way out of context comment about "the adult" channel somewhere else.

Le Chitelier said...

How about Foreskin's Underappreciated Collective Kickback.

Fewclewz said...

You are being very selective Jane....don't forget where there's no foreskin, there's no free cheese!

gav said...

If you still plan on developing a vagina with teeth the foreskin thing shouldn't be an issue at all.

You could make some money on the side as well working as a mohel.

~d said...

I dont think the silly adult comment should bother you, but perhaps the said aversion to tits should. Being that most of us have had the priviledge of seeing your chicka playing soccer.
Jane: does this mean that I no longer qualify? Even though-as you pointed out-I have no foreskin, and I do want to know more abt PDD's cat. Will the cat sit on my face-I mean lap?

Egan said...

96 comments can't be wrong. You're still in the running to becoming The World's Most Popular Blogger.


Steph said...

What an awesome idea. Can your friend also check his bank balance? Just sayin'.

YellowSock said...

Thank you for clarifying the foreskin issue. I don't really care for them, I am reminded of turtles. I like turtles a lot but not "that way."

May I please be on the Fuck Buddy panel? You know I am very analytical and brutally and tactlessly critical.

jungle jane said...

you will need to read my next blog post. i can guarantee you that you will watch the television i am about to unleash on the world

Le Chit:
fuck foreskins. Lets have a Rip Them Off With Your Teeth party

Fewclewz has a foreskin!
Fewclewz has a foreskin!

Actually fewclewz i do have the most impeccable taste in men. cheese is nice too...

so my vagina would be a bit like toenail clippers? you know, that could really work.

well okay i think i will bend the rules, but ONLY for you...

you can't count buddy. 99 comments from where i am sitting

part of the $229 applicaiton fee goes on bribing the bank to let me see his bank statements

Done deal. I have even arranged for free cunninglingus for panel members as a token thank you gift. Toby has agreed to do the honours and Beast is just shaving his tongue right now

Henri Banks said...

Well what about that!!
Persistent sexual arousal syndrome results in a spontaneous and persistent genital arousal, with or without orgasm or genital engorgement, unrelated to any feelings of sexual desire. In particular, it is not related to hypersexuality, sometimes known as nymphomania or satyriasis. In addition to being very rare the condition is also frequently unreported by sufferers who may consider it shameful or embarrassing. It has only recently been reported and characterized as a distinct syndrome in medical literature.

Physical arousal caused by this syndrome can be very intense and persist for extended periods, days or weeks at a time. Orgasm can sometimes provide temporary relief, but within hours the symptoms return. The symptoms can be debilitating, preventing concentration on mundane tasks. Some situations, such as riding in an automobile, can aggravate the syndrome unbearably.

Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome can have a variety of causes. Some drugs such as trazodone may cause it as a side effect, in which case discontinuing the medication may give relief. In some recorded cases, the syndrome was caused by a pelvic arterial-venous malformation with arterial branches to the penis and clitoris; surgical treatment was effective in this case. In other cases where the cause is unknown or less easily treatable, the symptoms can sometimes be reduced by the use of antidepressants, antiandrogenic agents and anaesthetising gels. Psychological counselling with cognitive reframing of the arousal as a healthy response may also be used.

jungle jane said...

Henri have you tried masturbation? it works a treat for me - i just stay home flicking my bean all day long and really the problem has been taken care of.

matty said...

wait. does henri have foreskin or not? i'm confused.

jungle jane said...

Matty i think he's hedging his bets, eh?