22 May 2007


The Foreskin is a fugly tube of redundant skin that some dudes are cursed to have stuck to end of their knobs. The subject is largely taboo among many new mothers, yet recent research done by myself down the pub leads me to believe that as many as one men in three are unlucky enough to be born with this embarrassing knob defect.

So what to do with all that skin then, eh? Easy – cut off the filthy spare meat and say goodbye to a lifetime of foreskin feta and no sex. Nature can only do so much way of helping junior to lose the turtleneck sweater and to slip into a crew neck – the rest is down to you, people.

Circumcision – which should never be attempted whilst drunk - was first invented by the British to prevent masturbation. Recently some cultures have also adopted the practise in order to reduce the risk of HIV infection. Strange that none of these people ever considered removing the whole penis – thereby eliminating the risk entirely.

Circumcision is not just about correcting a design flaw in nature though – it also removes all of the sensitivity in the entire knob and is therefore an excellent way to prevent premature ejaculation. The procedure is no more painful than a flu vaccination and most men that have it done are up and fucking like a tiger within 3 hours of leaving the operating table.

Rumoured to soon become compulsory under the Green Party, circumsizion is the right thing to do for God, your country and all womenkind. If you are too tight to pay the vet to do it for you, I encourage you to study my illustration, purchase a razor and give it a go.

The only exceptions to this are gay men, who I will possibly not be having sex with unless I can get them really drunk.

Thank you.


Convict said...



Henri Banks said...

Ouch !!!

Jenny! said...

We must be cosmically connected...I always knew I had a twin! That looks very painful and not fun to put back on!

jungle jane said...

You sound upset. Did you have a bad day??

Not you too? blimey - so many bad days today

Its a bit freaky - i am going to have to check your post out before i post mine:-)

BEAST said...


***waves foreskin at JJ***

jungle jane said...

fucking hell, what's wrong with the lads tonight? is Tuesday night male OMG night? shees - i spend ages trying to educate and all you foreskin weilding terrorists can do is suck in your breathe and encase your silly foreskin in a fortress.

shees. men.

BEAST said...

****stretches foreskin into interesting shapes to amuse JJ***

Look its little red riding hood

jungle jane said...

*whispers to the cat "look sweetie - calamari - your favorite. Go get it, puss"*

ARM said...

This is the best public service announcement to date.

Joel said...

considering a vagina is essentially one big foreskin..

..i dont see that your really in the position to give a guy grief about that.

do you even OWN a mirror?

Gorilla Bananas said...

These pictures look like decapitation rather the circumcision. Men who really want to lose it should contact the Rapping Rabbi linked in my blog. JJ spreads disinformation further than one of her own pussyfarts.

jungle jane said...

Thank you. I am here to serve. Us scientists devote our lives to fact.

I own 93 mirrors. Multi-vision works for flies, and heck i am going to make it work for me.

Fuck. I spend AGES researching true facts. i am a SCHOLAR, goddam you...

Tickersoid said...

I'm proud to say I don't have a foreskin.

*Quickly checks*

Sorry, I'm proud to say I have a foreskin.

Sausage said...

At first I was stunned and amazed wondering how this guy might have practiced before giving it a whack on himself. Then I see half of his fucking finger is missing.

(I think Joel is over sensitive because he just realized his mother lied to him when she said his vagina sized forskin was adorable.)

Captain Smack said...

Will there be another culinary post following this one? There must be something useful you can do with all of those moist, tender leftover foreskins...

Something in a patte, perhaps?

zen wizard said...

I don't know whether to comment on this post or diagnose it...

RAFFI said...

so i've followed the easy directions and must say another tequila or eight might help numb the agonizing pain. and, is it supposed to bleed so much? the picture looks pretty dry. oh shit!!! the tourniquet slipped... i'm bleeding to death!!! oh doooood!!!

josh williams said...

This reminds me of the sad story with a happy ending. A wee wee lad was born recently with out eyelids. Just bare eyeballs, really heart breaking.As luck would have it a plastic surgeon was visiting the hospital and he pitched in circumcised the lad and used the skin for eyelids! True story, the boy is fine his family is happy although he is a bit cockeyed.

jungle jane said...

Don't worry - its fine to be disable. one in three men are similarly afflicted. i think there is even a club for you lot somewhre on t'internet

Have you noticed that he also doesn't have legs, a torso or head? that dude did a lot of practise first - one can never be too careful, i guess?

Ah yes - i am thinking i could mebbe whip up a nice batch of calamari?

You stick to commenting and i will stick to matters of science, medicine and art. Put down that razor, Zen. This can only end in tears.

Oh Oh. you must have read this post in a hurry. i said DON'T cirucumsize yourself whilst drunk...ooooooops!

my word, that little boy was lucky he was born a boy, not a girl. mind you , a girl would have been likely to have had her skin in the right place.

I wonder if he suffers from cheesy eyes now?

BEAST said...

I would like dispell one of JJ's bits of mis information.


Jeez all it takes is a good scrubbing with a wire brush and bleach every morning

BEAST said...

So can it fishy knickers !!

ChickyBabe said...

If I dream of bloggers and turtle necks tonight I know which blog to blame!

Must rinse eyes now...

Ratty. said...

Spare foreskins make very useful little purses. If you give them a rub, they turn into shopping bags.

When I had my circumcision I sold the the surplus to Sir Chay Blyth and he used it for a spinnaker sail on his yacht.

MilkMaid said...

Fucking EEK!

jungle jane said...

I love it when you get coy, edam-boy.

Come back tomorrow and let us know which blogger you dreamt of! we all want to know!

Was that Sir Chay Blyth's ship-in-a-bottle??

helllooo stranger! I don't think there will be any fucking with that dude, btw...unless he can fuck with the stump??

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Absolutley NO CHANCE.

I would cry every time I saw sausages wrapped in bacon...

I'ts the little extra that doesn't come as standard, but makes life SO much better for the owner.

EBEZP said...

It is the little extra that any man can do without!

Ratty. said...

Was that Sir Chay Blyth's ship-in-a-bottle??

Ssssh. Now you've spoilt the illusion.

wallycrawler said...

OK You have finally done it . Even I'm sick to my stomach . That is the most sick thing I've ever seen . I've seen guys cut in half drive'n "Smart Cars" , women castrating men , men piercing women's vaginas , dogs fucking women , dogs asses seeming to be "Christ Like"...Shit most of that stuff on your blog . But self mutilating cocks crosses the line of "Good Taste" !

You should be proud . Even I ended up with chunks in my mouth and bile in my throat !

Thank you . Keep up the good work .

Erin O'Brien said...

Club soda is an excellent spot remover for carpet mishaps.

jungle jane said...

I weep every time i see the end of a balloon. it makes me remember that i don't have a knob. other than my little collection in my second drawer down

exactly. so men, if you want to lose weight without going to the gym - get it cut off!

Quit the chit chat and send me your knickers, dammit

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY! i did it! i broke you! i am soooo proud - and it only took me 15 months! my work here is done. i can die in peace.

I don't think there will be many sexual mishaps happening with this guy. just a bit of pesky blood and gore.

BEAST said...

Ode to Foreskin
**clears throat**
*** adopts Byronic pose***

Peel me back
Reveal my treasure
Gleaming helmet
Festooned with Cheddar

barman said...

Luckily I have already had the aforementioned done. Otherwise I would say lets see what happens if we take your clitoris hood off first and see how that goes.

Somehow I am not believing the very little pain and up and doing it in 3 hours.

Toby said...

Jane, Jane, Jane, Jane, Jane, I'll be your assistant, you don't need to torture me.

TLC Tugger said...

In case you followed the simple step-by-step instructions before you found out the foreskin is the best part of the penis (http://www.nocirc.org/touch-test/touchtest.php), come to my web site and we'll help you regrow a foreskin (http://TLCTugger.com)

80% of the world is intact and quite happy.

jungle jane said...

Oh my word, your Byronic pose is the stuff that women's fantasies are made of. Beastie can you adopt that same pose and sing "I will always love you-hooohoo" for me? the Whitney Lopez song?

If you removed my clit there would be nowhere to dangle my jewellry. But hey, what the heck. I'm all for equality. Lets have a razor party, eh? your place or mine?

oh fabulous! and i wasn't trying to torture you with these pics, by the way. i was trying to arouse you...

TLC Tugger:
I love your little cone thingy - very clever indeed. I do actually know someone who did grow his foreskin back through tensioning the shaft. It took a few years. He stopped talking to his parents at 18 years old he was so miffed about being snipped - he still doesn't talk to them to this day. True story.

BEAST said...

Whitney lopez ???? its Britney Dione surely.

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

You want a knob of your own Jane?

I work with a couple, when do you want to collect?

Molly said...

I am very glad I do not have this problem.
Please don't tell me about the women who get circumcised.

zen wizard said...

Does a country with national health insurance really need self-circumcision instruction?

Before you get on your "public service" high horse--which is probably uncircumcised, unless he's a Jewish horse--wrap your brain around that sentence.

If you really want to do the UK a service, wouldn't self-service DENTISTRY be more helpful??

jungle jane said...

Fuck. Dude. I know my fucking rap from my hip hop, you know. I'm talking about that Puerto Rican singer chick with the nice peachy arse who snorted too much coke and her nose caved in and then she got divorced...Whitney Lopez. Her nickname is W. Lo. Look it up on Google, silly

I can collect tomorrow. Will they all fit in the back of my caravan, or do i have to go hire a bus?? Will they make me tea and do my paperwork?

No, let's not go there. I wouldn't want to gross people out or anything, eh?

fuck. you have completely misunderstood my intentions here and i can only assume its because the horse's knob distracted you. this isn't about anything as gay as the stoopid public service, this is my contribution to those poor poor men out there that seem to have been born with extra skin on their bellend. after all, there is surgery for things like removing your appendix, surely our hooded friends deserve a life of noramlity too??

*ducks the bullets from the hoodies*

BEAST said...

Have you noticed anchovy fillets look a bit like ripped off foreskins.....
****sends Jane a tin in the vain hope she will leave my foreskin alone****

There there my beauty I wont let the nasty Jungle amazon get her scisors near you

jungle jane said...

*adores anchovy fillets. sharpens her circumsision knife and sidles up to Beastie's mongrel*

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

No, they will do none of those things.
They will however, pry into your private life, bitch about you, and smile to your face.
Any uses?
Sunday's better.

jungle jane said...

No, i am sorry but they don't sound useful at all.

Do you by any chance have any pert raving nymphomaniacs at your office that you have no further use for?

I can do Sunday. After church, of course...

mutleythedog said...

Jane! Nursey is angry that you have not called and wants know when you will move the Mondeo, The Captain is off the medication and is moaning that he does not see you - both Algy and Truely are pregnant and Mother wants some more of that special spray perfume you buy her! The Old Nursery looks a sight!! I for one wanted to let you know we are all going to Redcar for the weekend - though Pussy says you do not deserve any picnic - when shall we see you??

RAFFI said...

so the swelling of my stump has gone down some. i'm hoping i can urinate pretty soon cuz i can't hold it much longer. oh yeah, for those that try this at home, you can't transfuse yourself with dog blood, it made me feel a little queasy.

jungle jane said...

Fuck man. Do I have to do everything around here? I’m buzzing off my tits from having taken all of the Captains meds, I’ve got a sink full of dishes to wash before I can join you in Redcar and Granny’s been dribbling beer all over the sofa again. Fuck the Mondeo dude. You know how hard it is to hotwire stolen cars and I’m STILL waiting for you to move the caravan out of the allotment.

Christ, I need some sex.

NOOOOOO – said HOG blood. Not DOG blood. Oh you silly silly stumpy man. Now the important part – did you manage to post me the end of your knob? Did you? Did you?

Paul Champagne said...

Glad mine was done at birth ... can barely stand to look at the pictures.

jungle jane said...

Paul champagne:
I hope yours was done in a slightly more...errr..medically hygenic manner??

tony said...

their hangs a tail............

Winters said...

I have one. I find that the greater risk of cheesiness is outweighed by the heightened sensitivity.

Those pictures made me want to chunder.

PDD said...

You got these instructions from a JAP book, didn't you? lol

Hal said...

There was a band in the UK during the late 1980's called The Four Skins.

They were skinheads.

Get it?

Mongrel Porksword said...


jungle jane said...

A wise old Zulu once said “a tail in the hand is worth two in the bush”. I am sure there is innuendo there. Zulus are full of it

I don’t know much of JAPING things but I have a friend that does.

Yes I know them well. I believe they have reformed but play ballads now. They call themselves the Milk Skins now. Oath.

Perhaps he had a problem like you do of being too large? Just trimming a bit off?

fingers said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
fingers said...

Well thanks a bunch, JJ.
I ended up trying a home circimcision last weekend; my hand slipped and I cut my helmet off.
Thinking quickly, I put my helmet in my pocket and raced down to the hospital emergency ward.
I was 4 hours in the waiting room.
Eventually I got in to see the doctor, so I emptied my pocket on his desk and begged him to sew my helmet back on.
He said, 'Sir, that's a marshmallow.'
I said, "No Doc, it's my helmet...I cut it off performing a home-circumcision.'
He said, 'Listen mate, I've been a doctor for 25 years and I think i know a marshmallow from a helmet.'
I said, 'Well it must be my helmet coz I ate all the marshmallows while I was sitting in the waiting room...'

Jeremy Jacobs said...

God you're sick Jane


jungle jane said...

Fuck dude - you do complicate the crap out of everything, don't you? I bet you get all confused changing nappies and baking chocolate brownies, right?

You have probably swallowed your whole knob and all you have left is a marshmallow in its place. i suggest you eat a box of laxatives and hope for the best.

And next time dude...read the instructions BEFORE you slice off your nads, not after, yeah??

noooooooooo - i am scientific and factual. seriously.

Bugwit said...

Okay, the Brit DIY passion has finally gone too far.

~Babsbitchin~ said...

Now, my dick really hurts. Yes, I do have one, it's just smaller than some. My last boyfriend wasn't circumsized. He was really the first guy I was serious with that was uncirmvented. Before that I thought they were pretty gross. He did some magic on me and I got over my fear of the foreskin.Then again, he was a strong strapping fella, 35, young dunb and full of cum. That might have made me forget? Who'da thunk it?

DirtyBitchSociety said...

I bet those are real pics, huh? Last summer, there were these guys in North Carolina, here in the states that had a butcher shop/dungeon in their basement. People from Europe and so on were coming to this place to be castrated, believe it or not. The authorities arrested the guys for practicing w/o a license. I don't think they were practicing, I think they'd done the real deal. Eeeeew!

jungle jane said...

the grossest bit of all is that he seems to be semi-tubescent!!

DirtyBitchSociety said...

"semi-tubescent!!" ah shit, wtf is wrong with people? I mean what happened to good ol monkey fuckin?