Right well we just had this election-thingy-whatever in the UK. None of the candidates were even remotely fuckable and therefore my valued vote went completely to waste. Actually, I might have voted for the pompous, tubby geezer who hangs about with that party that is not in power here - I think they are called the National Front or something - ‘cos at least he made an effort to appeal to us wimmin by bleaching his hair white. In reality I couldn’t be arsed to get out of bed and cast a vote for a dude on the losing team. I’m shallow like that.
Its true to say that human nature dictates that we ALL want to be on the winning team. It therefore makes sense that from now onwards Manchester United runs the government and – by default - all of our wars. Sir Alex Fergusson will be a fabulous Prime Minister – anyone who enforces by discipline splitting dissidents’ skulls with a football boot is my type of bad boy and just the person we need to be shooting our bombs. And with a Minister of Defence like Rio Ferdinand not only will we see off those pesky Iraqis, but finally England may actually win something too.
It makes sense people - football is so similar to war we may as well kill two birds with one stone. And before you all start yapping on about ‘our boys dying in war’ let me remind you that the English Premiership consists largely of foreign players and therefore none of our own lads will actually die. Us English will be howling abuse at those risking their lives and proudly rubbing our fat bellies well within the safety zone as we eat meat pies and heckle those risking their lives - we'll be just like real politicians.
As an added bonus for once the Yanks would actually be quite good to include in the competition – judging by the amount of ‘friendly fire’ they indulge in they would hand victory to us on a plate simply by the amount of own goals they score.
Before the historians among you start muttering dissent let me point out that we can equally match that Thousand-Year-War thingy that those Israeli geezers keep moaning about – anyone who survived the ‘omg-it’s-like-being-on-a-desert-island-for-a-year-with-only-Lucifer-for-company’ played out by Liverpool and Chelsea on Tuesday will view mass slaughter, napalm bombs and hostage rape as being utterly girls-blouse in comparison.
Look. There are four teams that have consistently occupied the top four positions in the Premiership in the past 15 years. There are 4 countries that have consistently dominated world politics in the same period. FFS people – what would you rather do? Shit on your rivals and have a quickie fist fight or die in napalm?
Make goals, not war. You know it makes sense.