04 May 2007


Right well we just had this election-thingy-whatever in the UK. None of the candidates were even remotely fuckable and therefore my valued vote went completely to waste. Actually, I might have voted for the pompous, tubby geezer who hangs about with that party that is not in power here - I think they are called the National Front or something - ‘cos at least he made an effort to appeal to us wimmin by bleaching his hair white. In reality I couldn’t be arsed to get out of bed and cast a vote for a dude on the losing team. I’m shallow like that.

Its true to say that human nature dictates that we ALL want to be on the winning team. It therefore makes sense that from now onwards Manchester United runs the government and – by default - all of our wars. Sir Alex Fergusson will be a fabulous Prime Minister – anyone who enforces by discipline splitting dissidents’ skulls with a football boot is my type of bad boy and just the person we need to be shooting our bombs. And with a Minister of Defence like Rio Ferdinand not only will we see off those pesky Iraqis, but finally England may actually win something too.

It makes sense people - football is so similar to war we may as well kill two birds with one stone. And before you all start yapping on about ‘our boys dying in war’ let me remind you that the English Premiership consists largely of foreign players and therefore none of our own lads will actually die. Us English will be howling abuse at those risking their lives and proudly rubbing our fat bellies well within the safety zone as we eat meat pies and heckle those risking their lives - we'll be just like real politicians.

As an added bonus for once the Yanks would actually be quite good to include in the competition – judging by the amount of ‘friendly fire’ they indulge in they would hand victory to us on a plate simply by the amount of own goals they score.

Before the historians among you start muttering dissent let me point out that we can equally match that Thousand-Year-War thingy that those Israeli geezers keep moaning about – anyone who survived the ‘omg-it’s-like-being-on-a-desert-island-for-a-year-with-only-Lucifer-for-company’ played out by Liverpool and Chelsea on Tuesday will view mass slaughter, napalm bombs and hostage rape as being utterly girls-blouse in comparison.

Look. There are four teams that have consistently occupied the top four positions in the Premiership in the past 15 years. There are 4 countries that have consistently dominated world politics in the same period. FFS people – what would you rather do? Shit on your rivals and have a quickie fist fight or die in napalm?

Make goals, not war. You know it makes sense.


egan said...

If I wasn't already hitched, I'd be tempted to see if you'd be interested in tying one on. You're quite clever and it's so arousing. Anyways, great points.

jungle jane said...

Egan you are a midfielder. I think you might be in the safe zone. you play the game, mebbe score a goal and then go home. stick with your position egan. do not volunteer to be a full back. just don't. you won't like my new brave world.

Newmania said...

JJ there were no elections in London..( don’t know why I said that actually ..oh yes to be snotty pain in the arse..)

During the local elections in London I fought a lonely battle for the Conservatives in Islington. We lost abysmally which I put down to sheer personal charisma. It was my ambition to irritate the fuck out of the Lefties. Now my ambition is to cavort naked in a drug induced frenzy of limitless sexual experiment with you and two of your friends at once. You see I have grown and matured. Thank you. They always say ( In America) if you really want something you’ll get it and you should never give up on your dreams. That is my policy now . I am hard up ,an insult to the human form physically and smell of rotting potatoes but I have a dream. Won`t you make it come true ? I am the perfect person for pity fuck. ( Is there another kind ?)

CityUnslicker said...

N - you are a terrible rogue.

Leave poor JJ to her rantings; this one is a terrible idea of the first order. I hate winners, they are dicks like Blair.

I would much rather be ruled by valiant tryers and losers like Wigan and Leeds.....

Anonymous said...

I didn't realise you had a football blog JJ - its terribly interesting. Isn't that Boris Yeltsin in your picture? I think he is dead...

Anonymous said...

Can we have some more fanny shots and less football-just a question??

Mongrel Porksword said...

Politics blows, which is why I like receiving blowjobs.

Anonymous said...

I think it's all perfectly sensible Jane. Is is no wonder to me that the only Americans who are "soccer" players are high school girls.

paddy said...

JJ you're fantastic; a natural spinner, and-by-way that was me trying to be funny which goes awry most of the time or perhaps people project ; you didn't. I did edit your comment because you're just too bad- I imagined you would want it that way. Here is a song for you by J.M. If you don't know it already you might get a kick out of it.

I'm Don Juan's reckless daughter I came out two days on your tail
Those two bald-headed days in November
Before the first snowflakes sail
Out on the vast and subtle plains of mystery
A split tongue spirit talks
Noble as a nickel chief
Striking up an old juke box
And he says:
"Snakes along the railroad tracks."
He says, "Eagles in jet trails ..."
He says, "Coils around feathers and talons on scales ...
Gravel under the belly plates ..."
He says, "Wind in the Wings ..."
He says, "Big bird dragging its tail in the dust ...
Snake kite flying on a string."

I come from open prairie
Given some wisdom and a lot of jive!
Last night the ghosts of my old ideas
Reran on channel five
And it howled so spooky for its eagle soul
I nearly broke down and cried
But the split tongue spirit laughed at me
He says, "Your serpent cannot be denied."
Our serpents love the whisky bars
They love the romance of the crime
But didn't I see a neon sign
Fester on your hotel blind
And a country road come off the wall
And swoop down at the crowd at the bar
And put me at the top of your danger list
Just for being so much like you are!

You're a coward against the altitude--
You're a coward against the flesh--
Coward--caught between yes and no
Reckless this time on the line for yes, yes, yes!
Reckless brazen in the play
Of your changing traffic lights
Coward--slinking down the hall
to another restless night
As we center behind the eight ball
As we rock between the sheets
As we siphon the colored language
Off the farms and the streets
Here in Good-Old-God-Save-America
the home of the brave and the free
We are all hopelessly oppressed cowards
Of some duality
Of restless multiplicity
(Oh say can you see)

Restless for streets and honky tonks
Restless for home and routine
Restless for country-safety-and her
Restless for the likes of reckless me
Restless sweeps like fire and rain
Over virgin wilderness
It prowls like hookers and thieves
Through bolt locked tenements
Behind my bolt locked door
The eagle and the serpent are at war in me
The serpent fighting for blind desire
The eagle for clarity
What strange prizes these battles bring
These hectic joys-these weary blues
Puffed up and strutting when I think I win
Down and shaken when I think I lose
There are rivets up here in this eagle
There are box cars down there on your snake
And we are twins of spirit
No matter which route home we take
Or what we forsake
We're going to come up to the eyes of clarity
And we'll go down to the beads of guile
There is danger and education
In living out such a reckless life style
I touched you on the central plains
It was plane to train my twin
It was just plane shadow to train shadow
But to me it was skin to skin
The spirit talks in spectrums
He talks to mother earth to father sky
Self indulgence to self denial
Man to woman
Scales to feathers
You and I
Eagles in the sky
You and I
Snakes in the grass
You and I
Crawl and fly

jungle jane said...

No elections in London? God how annoying - it took me ages to scrabble about looking for my Australian passport so that i could go and vote. I eventually gave up and had a threesome at home with a couple of lesbians and a large sack of crack. What a shame I didn't know of your ambition - i could have invited you along instead of flicking our beans to a giant cardboard cutout of Ole Gunner Solskjaer...

Having Leeds in charge really is a terrible idea, however in the interests of democracy I am prepared to consider appointing Ken Bates as Chancellor of the Exchequer?

I am a sportsman and a political commentator. I have tried to appeal to the less-educated in this post by including a picture of a dead guy getting head. Possibly my post might have been more appealing if i had simply stuck to the basics and decorated it with a large twat - after all, this is politics we are talking...

If politics blow and you like blowjobs does this mean you are considering a career as a politician??

Fantastic. Send your daughters off to war. And that Victoria Beckham chick can serve on the front line too - she's one of yours now, you know...

jungle jane said...

You are completely forgiven for editing me seeing as you quoted Joni. I would like you to join my political party as Minister for Arts and Culture. Please consider it - the queen needs you, Paddy

egan said...

I played striker last Wednesday night. I have been known to play sweeper on occasion. What does that say about me?

By the way, I see you still have a weakness for lettuce. I hoped that would have changed.

paddy said...

I doubt if I could live up to it as I am in reality a retarded / challenged genius who has been described as a finian lout...well indirectly by D C Warmington. However I am at your service, and who knows I might be the thick isish knight who finds the Graig in the ("The Bath Badgerd") "house of nothingness"...and naturally that I would never have to meet your sister. Y:-) Paddy

jungle jane said...

Does it mean that you are secretly dying to be a sweeper? That's cool - there is room for you in my political party. You can sweep my floors for me. Every day.

Awesome - just what i need to make my life more comfortable. At Finn at my service. Please make me a bacon sandwich Paddy, and don't skimp on the ketchup, yeah??

Tickersoid said...

Mutleythedog. That is indeed a picture of Boris Yeltsin. By being dead he continues to be an embarassment to the conservative party. I'd vote for him, if I could be arsed, just because he puts his foot in his mouth so often in the name of comedy.
Truth is, I don't vote. It only encourages them.

Ratty. said...

Rugby, a thug's game played by gentlemen - Football, a gentlemen's game played by thugs.
I have no more to say on matters sporting but I would like to second Mr Mutley's request at 2336

jungle jane said...

Its a shame he is so dead - waste of a blowjob really. If i stand for President, i hope you anti-voting stance will change.

Fuck. Here I am presenting a viable solution to the world's problems and you and the Dog just want more twat?


Gorilla Bananas said...


What nonsense is this? Lucifer can give a woman multiple orgasms with one long stroke of his tail.

Newmania said...

beans to a giant cardboard cutout of Ole Gunner Solskjaer...

This is true evil.

*Doffs hat *

tony said...

Jose could be put in charge of the Iraq Caper.He wouldnt win it.but he would annoy the fuck out of the Iraqies (is that how u spell it?)Which would be a form of "winning"................

Ratty. said...

Fuck. Here I am presenting a viable solution to the world's problems and you and the Dog just want more twat?

Dear JJ. My Dad, a wise old sage, always said take care of the little things and the big things will take care of themselves. Twat makes the world go round.

josh williams said...

I'm not sure whats going on, but count me in!

Erin O'Brien said...

As The Next President of the United States, I will discipline dissidents by having them transcribe the 4-hour-phone conversations of tween-aged girls in which they detail lip gloss, shoes, Parental Horror and, like, boys (although I will provide ear protection of some sort for when his/her subjects go 'SQUEEEEE!')

jungle jane said...

Fuck. Lucifer plays for Chelsea? well i never...

I have an Ole shrine in my loungeroom. I worship it regularly. Sometimes i find that arousing. I will make an Ole shrine for you if you like? Go on - you know you want to...

I was more thinking that Jose could be deployed in the kitchens serving the mashed potato. I do not think he should be trusted with a real, proper weapon.

Fine. I will give you more twat in my next post - i have just the right picture in mind. But don't come yapping to me if it turns you gay and prevents you from sleeping, m'okay?

It's just the usual - you know...saving the world and all that? Just carry on rubbing your 30lb packed lunch and we will be fine. seriously.

I am terribly sorry but you are unable to become President unless you learn the rules of football. Its the brave new world, Erin and I want you to help me rule it...

Die Muräne said...

I like that idea! I'm all in, but I'll refuse to have any defensive duties in your team

BEAST said...

JJ when you left us for a while I assumed you were off drinking , fornicating and snorting class a drugs , but now I realise you were wrestling with weightier issues.Well done!! I think the Nobel Peace prize is yours for the asking.Can you weave a bit of topless mud wrestling into this plan , I thinks its the only thing thats missing.
Oh dear is Mr Newmania a tory , he will want you to dress up as Mrs T or Edwina Curry and be very stern with him.
Mongrel Porksword looks a fine upstanding young man , altho he sounds a bit forward.
Dont let Mr Mutley near your 'adult' toys JJ he gets a bit excitable.......

Toby said...

When Jesse Ventura became governor of Minnesota some friends of mine thought it would be brilliant if the whole WWE (formally the WWF) would take over all government.

By the way, I'm not hip on much brit slang, when you say "governor," what does that mean?

zen wizard said...

Well, um, where do I begin?

I didn't know that much about UK politics or soccer before I read the piece, and now--well, now I have a migraine and the room is spinning.

First Nations said...

hell, she makes a good point.
I'm in. just make sure our guys stay out front of your guys unless you want all the goals going in the home net.

do i get a title? whatever it is, i get to wear a sword. that goes without saying.

Anonymous said...

I like Porksword - meaningful....

matty said...

Jungle Jane! I don't know what a full back or scoring goals means --- however, I do know how to fend off muggers who come at me with shivs to steal my murse. I don't take that shit.

And, I will not be wanting any napalm with my breakfast.

And, now, well, now I forgot what I wanted to say. Oh well.

...I do prefer the safe zone, but I've never been able to shift well there.

and, I drift.

kisses from GayTown,

It is like a gay pride parade today. ...but I feel fat. gay pride is no fun when you're not feeling thin and gorgeous. sigh.

ChickyBabe said...

Give them all blogs, that'll keep them busy busy for hours!

Tickersoid said...

I'm pissed.
*Falls off floor*

Never mind.

josh williams said...

K, thanks for letting me be me.Oh lord I must sit down and rest me legs grow weary over a burden I dare not describe.

jungle jane said...

Die Murane
Well Switzerland are always a neutral country in war and therefore your duties will have to be confined to carrying out the oranges at half time. I am sure all wars have a half time so that the soldiers can go to the loo, etc. So you will be very busy…

There is more to me than drugs and fisting. I am also a scholar and a gentleman. All these months have been spent dedicating myself to the welfare of you lot.

I worry about Mr N. He seems…well…tense. I can only hope that my Margaret Thatcher chicken suit will be arousing to him.

I believe that Mr Mutley Dawg also admires Mr Porksword. This is because dogs like bones. Even straight dogs.

I would embrace your idea, however Manchester United are not much good at wrestling. I think you might be confusing soccer with rugby?

A governer is someone of enormous importance. Like me. I am humble though – you do not have to call me guv – just plain ma’am will be fine.

Gentle breaths, Zen, gentle breaths. Here come and sit on the sofa with your feet up while I mop your head and steal your wallet.

Mutley Dawg:
It’s fine to like knobs, Mutley. It’s only gay if you’re on the bottom.

I can arrange a porksword if you like? You will also be allowed to dress like Russell Crowe’s gladiator you know. I just think you might want to consider a different hairstyle. Just copy David Beckham – you’ll be fine.

You are NOT fat matty. You are a splendid example of manhood and many a time I have told you that if I was a cute gay boy I would totally do you. In fact I am considering buying a fake moustache to con you that I am a man. There would be no napalm involved Matty – just lots of rooting and listening to Babs Streisand.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA chickybabe thinks that premiership footballers are literate

*curls in the corner crying with laughter*

Tsk tsk I thought we had rules about ‘8 hours between the bottle and the keyboard’. Deary me – it looks like your breathalyzer I fitted to your computer is either out pissed too or doesn’t really work.

I worry about your back, Josh. You should seek regular massage – it cannot be easy ruling the world with a 30lb burden nestled between your hips and the ground. My word it must be hard masturbating – I can only think that you are too busy ruling the world to knock the top off one or you have arms the size of a small office block.

Newmania said...

A Margaret Thatcher outfit , of god yes yes. I `m thinking tapes of " The Lady " at her finest interspersed with Elgar as well.

Um it might not be the most satisfying experience for you JJ. More of a sprint than a Marathon .
Still I can tell you are someone who thinks always of others.
Naturally as a Conservative I only worry about my sweet self and that should work out nicely for me .

The philospoher Mr. J Brown put it well
" I got mine
Don`t worry bout yours ~"

...and in a telling afterthought added...

" Get up get on down "

Deep stuff .

Toby said...

Yes ma’am

CityUnslicker said...

united won, theref orey ou must be pissed by now?

Anonymous said...

.... not that straight Jungley one!!

josh williams said...

I am unable to masturbate hence my obsession to rule the world, as soon as I gain power, I will outlaw masturbation so everyone else can suffer as I have...The horrors' the horrors...the hoooorrrrors..........Wait a minute I do not want to rule the world! I want to save the world, if everyone would turn to theri right and masturbate the person next to them the world would be a better place...Not bad for a Monday,the world may be saved by the end of the week at this rate!

Richardsite said...

Good of you to volunteer to stand on the left, Josh!! :))