27 May 2007

JJ goes to hell

God spending this weekend pissing all over the UK was probably awesome if you are a plant or married but a little bit dull for the rest of us. Unless you are one of those Birkenstock-wearing-clean-living types who finds joy in church bells no matter what the weather…in which case that is probably why you are single.

Seeing as we were all rained out and as I do spend fair amount of time on my knees gasping “oh God, oh God, oh God” I thought I might give the whole religion malarkey a whirl. It sounds just like my cup of tea - Christians behave however they want and if they can’t find it in the Bible to justify it, they just blame it on the Devil.

My first port of call in my tour of religion should have been the pink and gold mosque down the road from me but I decided to give praying and fasting miss. It seems they don’t have a god since that Saddam bin Laden got noosed by the Yanks. And as much as I love a man who is ‘well hung’, all this anti Curd stuff I keep hearing about seems over the top. I like dairy products – this clearly isn’t the right religion for me.

Next on my list wasn’t much more promising as I stealthily pink-panthered around the local Roman Catholic Church. This is because Catholic priests are notorious for pedophilia and really I wasn’t in the headspace to be distracted by sexy alter boys.

Of course there was always the synagogue - until I suddenly remembered that Jesus Christ was a Jew yet even he got nailed to the cross by his lot. At least that completely dispelled my previous belief which was that Jesus crossed the road because he was nailed to the chicken.

Not even this Scatology thing seems quite right for me - even if Tom Cruise does swear by it.

In desperation I finally gave my local Church of Satan a whirl but they wanted my soul in exchange for a bag of drugs and a morning of dirty gorilla sex. I simply had to decline – the whole point of this exercise was to do something different for a change. So having completely run out of religions I had no other option other than to go home and worship my Axl Rose shrine.

Just so as to prove my commitment to my soul, however, I have spread the word on MySpace that there'll be a rave party at the address of the local church next Saturday at midnight. I won’t be going myself, of course – when around 800 teens in hoods have arrived I will just grab a neighbour’s kid, hand him a few quid and tell him to go over and ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"…


Gorilla Bananas said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

This was absolutely brilliant, yet I'm now even more confused about the topic than before.

I gave up on my Pastafarian beliefs. It was lacking in moral fiber. (Bad pun intended. Sorry.)

Gorilla Bananas said...

I see you're an expert on the Levantine faiths, although you clearly know bugger all about Satanism, they fancy goats not gorillas. You talk a good game, but I bet you play hard to get like all the other nuns. Increase your font size, you mean little tart.

Anonymous said...

Oh fuck, Jane. That's gross.

barman said...

Why did I follow that link, WHY? I was going to eat but I guess I will be on a diet today.

I see why you pick Axl for your shrine. It so says JJ all over it, really it does. Is there anyone that has not been in Guns N Roses. And shock of all shocks, he is still alive. Surely he has lived several lives by now. Hey they say they will be releasing Chinese Democracy soon. :)

ARM said...

While at your Axl Rose shrine, do you do the Axl dance? You know the one I speak of.

jungle jane said...

Sausage (1):
Well yes it is all very confusing. I think its safe to say that you can simply be a complete brat and then apologise to a variety of gods. Oh and sausage - don't click the link. you won't like it.

I am an expert in many things GB deary - I am glad that you have noticed. There is a lot more to me than a large rack and deft wrist, let me tell you.

i have considered your font request carefully and have forwarded your comment to Bill Gates, asking him to please make the internet a bit bigger.

Sausage (2)

You would have thought that the Scatololgy link would have been a dead giveaway, eh?

I didn't know you played in G 'n R, Barman. Did you also wear bicycle shorts??

Is that the running about kicking things over and shaking his long rock and roll hair??


BEAST said...

Thanks JJ , thats religion sorted , could you turn your gaze to the middle east next , those towel heads are way overdue a good sorting.

ChickyBabe said...

I'm never clicking on link ever again. And that's my religion!

I think I've just been to hell an back in 5 secs...

Anonymous said...

I am the only member of a Church that worships a house plant...it doesn't do anything or have any rules so its quite a nice religion. I have a link on my blog - by the way scatology doesnt mean what you think it means...

tony said...

Yea its the weather .I too start thinking of religion on wet damp Bank Holidays.When its sunny&hot God takes a vacation...but today , i see an Almight Cloud of Rain..........
"Jesus crossed the road because he was nailed to the chicken........."

Love It.

barman said...

Is that what happened? I was in the band one night and the very next day, split the bicycle shorts and out I went. Didn't even get to play a lick. All these years later I still had no idea what happened.

Pixie Sprinkle said...

Ha Ha!
Saddam is dead!
Ha! Ha!

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Generally, I've ben more stoned than crucified.

Henri Banks said...

Yiiiiiihaa Motherfuckers and a big haleluya damn i am still drunk from yesterday!!
ps.Big street party in Berlin

wallycrawler said...

Now that's more like it !

Get'n stoned and participating in Scat . Hey a little Crucifiction is cool too . Now I've got some wood . Thanx !

Betty D said...

Axl? What era Axl? This is important.

Another blinding post. Y'see all the rest of us need to do is worship you. And maybe wipe that brown of my nose too...

Toby said...

What exactly were you doing while on your knees gasping "oh God" over and over?

Tanie said...

Religion, drink, sex, high heeled shoes; they all make me fall on my knees.... Shit! Just dropped the spliff as I fell over me Birkenstocks......

jungle jane said...

Sure no problem. How would you like me to ‘sort them out?’ I could tickle them into submission? Or we could use the old ‘hot poker’ to scare them into submission? Or we could steal their towels and wipe our bums with them?

My word!! You are a Scatologist? Who would have thought! Do you know that John Travolta dude – he’s one of your type too…

This must be a ruse – I searched your entire blog for this elusive Church. I also worship my pot pot plants and was hoping that maybe I could circumvent the growing season and simply score my weed from your priest.

I got another one for you! I got another one for you:

Q: Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
A: Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands!

Dude. Man. What a trip? Are you SURE you aren’t Axl Rose? If so, you do realise you are Pixie’s dad and owe me a whole bunch of maintenance. And I haven’t forgot the pills you stole out my back pocket that time either…

Stop all that yapping sweetie and pack your potential new dad a few cones, will you

paddy said...

Love the new photo,if that is you you are indeed a beautiful woman, but it's your mind that freaks me out in that I would envisage
you constantly attracting definitely the wrong type.
Why do you need to shock. There is enough evil bastards out there who have a patent on such activity you couldn't touch. Why do I imagine you don't really want to do this.
The world needs healing right now. It's intellectual space cake stuff.

jungle jane said...

Yeah I reckon you get few Easter Eggs if you are stones though. Isn’t that what the whole Easter thing is? Anyhow…let’s see if the priest has the balls to chose being stoned, eh?

Glad to see you regain your composure. I am always here to help you attain wood, Wally. It was me that put the pecker in woodpecker.

Betty d
Dude, you flatter me. My ego is now about is large as my arse. Thank you.

We are talking 1998 Axl of course – as far as I am concerned he froze in time then. He did not become a fat ugly ginger who still persisted in wearing those shorts.

Now toby I am not going give ALL my dirty secrets away, am i? I might post the pictures though – it seemed to make that Paris Hilton girl rich and famous

Ohhhh mind you don’t set fire to the vegetarians. You know how they love to flock around Birkenstocks, eh?

jungle jane said...

Thank you for the kind words - yes that is me.

I will take it as an enormous compliment that you believe that the Jungle Jane character is real...

brookelina said...


jungle jane said...

Will you PLEASE try to keep up. Vaginas is one post below.

EBEZP said...

Well I have to say that I LMAO at the curds and dairy products and it just got better. Nice 1

Denny Shane said...

Hey now... you leave them Catholic Priests alone... I was an Altar Boy myself. Think of it now myself... no priest molested me... God even the priest never want to molest me. LOL

Captain Smack said...

As a Scientologist myself, I can assure you that the picture you linked to is not an accurate representation of our beliefs or practices.

Genuine, "Church Approved" ass-rods are actually much shorter, and considerably wider.

~d said...


RAFFI said...

that's the shit! tom cruise is a douche. btw, which axl rose denomination is that? pre- or post-psychotic/nervous breakdown?

barman said...

Pills, I don't have no stinking pills. I don't remember the pills you are talking about. As to the maintenance, there should be a new album out soon. Of course I am not saying I am Axel.

jungle jane said...

You said Curd, snort! Which sounds a bit like Turd, snort!

You should sue them, Denny. The bastards. That's just wrong, that is - and surely a sin of sorts? come over to london, Denny - i am sure i can find you a nice alter to worshhip here

Oh i can explain - its not one of yoru fancy pants approved rods. Its a bicycle pump - we were out of rods over here in the UK and simply had to improvise. We asked your God first though - she said it was fine

Language, young lady. Language. Please use the term "holy scat" when referring to matter of that Lord dude.

Yeah i agree. If i was his church, i would pretend that he wasn't a member in case he drove too many people away.

Axl era is stricly pre-1998 days. At a push i would also do Slash if he asked nicely.

Oh groan, that's not the album you've been pushing out since 1999? in which you are the only original band member?

And you might want to stop popping those pills - cat laxatives do not make you high.

BEAST said...

Does Brookelina have tourettes ????
Jungle Jane isnt real ????????
Pixie told me that her mummy Jungly Jane lived in lapland with santa.....you will be telling me he isnt real iether next !!!!

Ratty. said...

I was a devout Catholic until the Priest fucked my arse. I feel quite safe with the nice Rabbi gentleman who lives next door so I might get signed up with him.

Jenny! said...

Wow, that was intersting! Which religion is that again??? You could come to my church, I hold services on Sunday and Friday...it will cost you $20.00 at the door and your panties!

Henri Banks said...

Jenny i come the 20 bucks are yours but Jane got my panties!!!

jungle jane said...

Brookelina just needs to get laid. I am sure her potty mouth will clear up soon thereafter. Of course JJ is real - my word you don't think i am joking about shoving watermelons up my arse, do you??

I bet you are REALLY glad of my DIY cirucumsision instructions seeing as you are jigging with a rabbi, eh?

Actually i am here to save your soul. the panties are just a ruse to lure you into my den, little girl....

Fuck. Gimme the 20 back. I keep telling you - i don't have the panties. they were edible panties and i ate them last week.

My god, this redemption shit is HARD.

~d said...

the Lord's crap is holy!
Think I can guarantee a tic to Hell for this?!

heh heh!

jungle jane said...

Noooo silly - its his urine wot is sacred....thats why they call it Holy Water, innit??

Anonymous said...

Try here Ms Jane...

jungle jane said...

AHAHAHAHAHAHA oh thank you Mutley! you have shown me the way to God! and all this time, God was a plant!

First Nations said...

tom cruise: why not shit on him? L. Ron Hubbard has!
meanwhile have you given any thought to the church of Latter Day Saints? you can marry poshumously and rule a planet!

First Nations said...

god is a type of courgette.

Anonymous said...

I wonder - if God eats beetroot at lunchtime, is the rain red in the evening?

And if he has a curry, do you get brown hailstones?

Toby said...

Melt in your mouth not in your hands means so much more to me now. Those skittles feel the rainbow commercials are no longer confusing. I'm done, life has no meaning anymore, thanks Jane.

If god eats curry, Jillie would call it acid rain. She's representing over on your side of the pond as we speak.

Tickersoid said...

Religion is very important. I've just finished a relationship due to such differences. She was aethiest I was agnostic.

josh williams said...

I love the smell of scat in the morning.Dog be wid ya.

jungle jane said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jungle jane said...

I am seriously surprised that people don’t constantly make up limericks starting:

There once was a dude called Elron Hubbard
Who came across Tom Cruise in a cupboard…etc

I can’t be doing with those saints – actually I have decided that Mutley’s plant religion may be the one for me. I am hoping that I might be able to worship my pot pot plant instead though. I think you might find that God is in all vegetables, not just courgettes.

I think if god eats asparagus, the rain stinks in the evening. If god has curry, you get mudslides. If god has very hot curry, you get volcanic eruptions. And if god has baked beans, the world gets thunder. See – religion aint all that hard to figure out, innit?

Holy smoke, I suspect that Jilly’s blog got hit with acid rain. In fact – lose the rain bit, Jilly blog just did too much acid. I am glad you are less confused Toby – after seeing that I am now so confused I don’t know whether to drop a skittle or call in a curry.

Dude. Fuck. What were you thinking. Like that one was ever gonna work! I guess the sex must have been so awesome even if you did have absolutely nothing to talk about, eh?

Josh, scat are just dyslexic domesticated feline pets. Dogging, on the other hand, is something quite different and not something I think your pure eyes should think about. Unless you peep between your fingers.

Bugwit said...

Good thing that the chap on the left is wearing his Wellies - he might step in something.

Love your hair, BTW.

Bugwit said...

Um, did I say left? I meant the other left.

Porn makes me slysdecksic.

morbid misanthrope said...

I'm just glad I didn't click on the Scatology link. Judging by other comments here, I'm sure I wouldn't have liked it.

Perhaps you would be more inclined to join the Unarius flock. It's now headquartered in the meth capital of California, it's a purely science-based religion (as our alien brothers on a higher vibration level wanted it), and when you become an old lady you get to dress like a drag queen at a science-fiction convention. Other than that, as I understand it from all the public-access TV shows the church of Unarius puts out, the rest is just hanging around waiting for the aliens to show up.

Mustafa Şenalp said...


jungle jane said...

I don’t know my left from my right or my arse from my elbow. I assume my elbow must be somewhere near my vagina otherwise my mum wouldn’t always remind me ‘no elbows on the table’

DUDE! Fuck! Click the link man, its crying out for you nestle your eyes on its lovliness. How on earth will you find the lord if you won’t take a risk?? The Unarius flock sound awesome, but I wonder how many dyslexic members they have who were actually looking for the Uranus club eh?

Profound dude. Most awesome.

Bugwit said...

All that guy ever talks about is Cok and guzzling.

jungle jane said...

BIR SITE obviuosly has something to do with twat. Or cocaine. One of the two...