16 May 2007

How to eat your pet

Humanity has come a long way since them middle dark ages thingys, yet still now in the year 2006 some folk are really weird about which critters they consider it okay to consume. For example, Indian people burn flags if you so much as mention eating a cow while western folk are still horrified at the consumption of cute furry things. One can only assume that this is because cows are stupid, fat and ugly and this reminds westerners a little too much of themselves.

I am sure many of you consider such taboos to be wank and I am proud to present you with my highly guarded and secret recipes for eating your very best mate:

Cats:
There are said to be many ways to skin a cat. Forget that you lot – take the easy way out and try using a lawnmower or maybe a lit cigarette and some hairspray. Roasting is the only way to go with cats…and I can assure you that they do not taste of chicken – they taste of cat.

Anyhow, lop off the head and tail and use them at a later stage to make a wholesome and nutritious casserole stock. The kitty’s feet will be used for decorative purposes although you may wish to trim the nails before you garnish with little umbrellas.

Warm the oven to 375 degrees, chuck the cat in a baking tray and baste with a few spoonfuls of cooking oil. If you are French, I suggest you add 7 cloves up garlic shoved up the cat’s arse. Slow roast for 2 hours and enjoy with mashed potatoes and lightly steamed snowpeas.

Dogs:
Of course I have eaten loads of dogs, but mostly this refers to bad lesbian sex in badly lit nightclubs. Dogs are such arses I am tempted to tell you to simply throw it into the microwave alive and cook on high for 30 minutes. That wouldn’t taste very nice though and you probably wouldn’t read my blog again.

To start you can easily get a dog from the RSPCA which I basically view as a supermarket for us worldly types. You can kill your dog by either stabbing it through the heart or if you are squeamish you can try knocking it over with your car. Not too hard, mind – bruised flesh is awfully chewy.

Now stir-frying is really the only way to eat a dog. Cut the pooch into bit-sized chunks – the tail is the yummiest bit if you’ve got an Alsatian or a Ridgeback – and flash-fry for 4 minutes in a wok or George Foreman hotplate. When lightly browned add ginger, sprouts and a dash of chilli to taste. Serve with asian noodles or a bit of steamed rice if you’re a tight-arse spendthrift.

Canary/Budgie
Most people avoid eating budgie due to the difficulty in removing all those pesky feathers, or they tend to opt for mediocrity and boil them in lightly salted water with some spuds.

Wait up gang, its not that hard. Simply oil up a kebab skewer and slide on 3-4 budgies per skewer. The skewer slides through their arses really nice and easily and their little beaky teeth act as grips on the other end. Place over a barbecue fire (watch those feathers disappear faster than an Essex girl’s knickers on a first date) and baste with oil when turning over. Everyone loves a bit of bird skin but do go easy if you are watching your weight. Serve with a side salad and a chilled glass of Chardonnay.

I hope you have enjoyed my guide to disposing of your dead pets in a ecologically sound manner. And for those of you softcocks yapping on that “I wuv my little snookle-poops far to much to eat him” you might be interested in my next chapter of pet care in which I will be providing interesting insights into providing your pet with the love and affection that they deserve.
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41 comments:

BEAST said...

Does this also apply to housemates/ annoying relatives.
You are the FANNY craddock of blogging(did you see what i did there????? emphasised the fanny!!!)

Gorilla Bananas said...

I've performed in front of women whose arses could feed a family for a week. And by 'perform' I don't mean 'wank' 'fuck' or 'shit', you dirty-minded tart.

Jenny! said...

Isn't it 2007??? Although I wouldn't mind killing cats, I would hardly want to eat them...taste too much like dirty pussy!

josh williams said...

Unless its in the frozen food section ready for the micro...nope.

ARM said...

I need to stop reading your blog. For it's so bad that I'm giggling at this. But I am. You make me laugh.

Tickersoid said...

I note the menage-a-trois picture is British. He still has his socks on.
Splendid fellow, didn't let the side down.

morbid misanthrope said...

I'm no culinarian, but I do enjoy killing and eating cute animals. Not for the taste or nourishment, but because I like making animal rights activists sad. I'm hoping one day, one of those PETA people will offer their life in exchange for the life of whatever critter I'm about to dispatch. They're both dead, of course.

wallycrawler said...

I've eat'n alotta mutts , pussies & birds , but I'll be damned if my dog shares a vagina with me !

He'll just have'ta wait the same as my son .

Captain Smack said...

They all sound delicious, Jane, but I have a question - would a siamese cat work well for a stir fry? I need to know, because I have a date this weekend for whom I'm preparing dinner, and I want everything to be just right.

jungle jane said...

Beastie:
Your housemates are a different matter. Be careful about eating them - they usually give you indigestion and wind. Best stick to pets - they don't have to be your own...just lure the neighbours cat over if you get a bit peckish in the middle of the night.

The bottom picture is, in fact Fanny Cradock. Well spotted Beastie - i know you can recognise a Fanny when you see one...

GB:
I can only assume that you have done some male stripping. I would like to see the video of this - please post it on your blog.

You will notice that I did not include any gorilla recipes. I didn't want you to be uncomfortable.

Jenny:
I think you might find it's 2006. unless of course perhaps its 2007 in America?

I have always found that dirty pussy can be quite delicious if you sprinkle a handful of sugar over it and enjoy with a nice cold beer

Josh:
Well can can simply microwave the dog, but i warn you - it tastes just like boiled hamburger

Arm
I'm afraid you might be going to hell. Don't worry though - there are heaps of bloggers in hell, all snacking on the pets and grandmothers

Tickers:
Yes i find that strange - apparantly dog fuckers usually put socks on the dog...to stop their claws digging in. Dirty bastards.

Morbid:
I hope to one day marry a PETA person. I intend cooking dog curries every night just to secretly chortle at the sight of them eating their furry little brethren. I'm a cunt like that...

Wally:
I am no expert on these things but i *think* you might find that the dog is occupying a different orifice to the gentleman in the picture??

Smack:
Siamese tend to be a little bony. they are best enjoyed barbequed i believe. If you really want to impress your date, I suggest you keep the skin and turn it into an amusing pair of slippers. You are bound to get laid if you do this - wimmin love being fussed over.

ChickyBabe said...

I knew there was a reason I never had pets.

Ratty. said...

Be sure to purge your cats digestive system by feeding it bran for 24 hours prior to knocking it on the head. Once purged the intestines will taste and smell sweet - mange tout.
A cats tail is the original basis for the classic Italian dish 'Osso Bucco'

wallycrawler said...

J.J. that's even worse , that's sick !

How could I get any respect from my best friend "Hobo" , when I'm only letting him share the wife anally ? What my wife's vag not good enough for him ? That's what he'll be think'n . Naw , the vag or noth'n for that good boy . I'll settle for the dirt shoot .

mutleythedog said...

You forgot to gut any of these creatures so eating them would be like eating a meat sandwich with a filling of shit and innards. See, I have actually tried it...

Newforestandy said...

Hi JJ, I was wondering what would be the best wine to serve with Cat Casserole? And do you think Beast Khebabs would be very nutricious?

Denny Shane said...

I will NOT miss your blog tmorrow. I liked a lot of doggie sex pictures! lol

Winters said...

I wonder where that bloke's todger is in the last picture.

Croydonian said...

In one of the older editions of Larousse Gastronomique it considers the issue of eating cats, and wraps up with 'Don't drown your kittens. Eat them!'.

True story.

josh williams said...

Funny you should mention boiled hamburger. I just got back from dinner and had the blandest burger I have ever had in my life, asked the waiter if they boiled it, got a gift card which I am sure is coded so that when I redeem they will know to spit on my boiled burger.

Toby said...

I didn't read the post. It should turn your stomach. WTF????

jungle jane said...

Chickybabe:
Pets are worth having. You feed them and then they feed you. It's nature.

Ratty:
You obviously don't own a cat. it's hard enough feeding it a tablet, let alone trying to purge its guts. i like to leave the guts filled and serve it to my scottish guests as haggis.

Wally:
I can see that you are boss when it comes to your pooch. You'll really show the little fucker when you eat him afterwards...

Mutley:
It sounds a bit like eating a Big Mac. I will make sure that I serve heaps more French fries with my pet dinners in future…

Newforestandy:
I think that Beast Kebabs would be highly nutricious in the same way that beer is good for you because it’s a carbohydrate. Cat Casserole would be best served with something nice – Tesco are selling nice 3 litre plastic bottles of wine, I have noticed. Its not called anything fancy pants like charobonay or any of those other silly names, its just Tesco Red and Tesco White. If you hurry down now you can get 4 bottles for a tenner.

Winters:
I think the dude bagged the vag and left the arse to the dog. A man would only allow this for his best friend. I think its really quite sweet.

Denny:
I urge you to visit Toby's link...that is more gross than anything i could EVER dream up...

Croydonian:
I bet the Larousse Gastronomique was flooded with eating pussy jokes after that. I don’t think ‘drown’ is a very nice word – they should stick to ‘re-cycle’. It’s more French too.

Josh:
Simply use the gift card as a birthday present for Roscoe. That way you don’t pay for his present and will find it amusing when his burger is spat on. Everyone is a winner.

Toby:
WTF? Holy fuckin schmakeroly. The worst bit is where he licks the pythons’s snatch…that is one weird weird dude…

Die Muräne said...

If, in winter, you hang up the skinned cat outside and let it freeze for a few days, the meat will be much more tender.

cocaine jesus said...

looks like the dog has the right idea.

barman said...

Did someone say dirty pussy?

I don't know about this pet thing but I do Chinese a lot and we are always joking about cat (or is that rat) on a stick so maybe I am doing that already and never knew it. Now as to the last picture, that looks like a good white meat sandwich. Perhaps she should try a pig, I hear the have a cork screw down bellow...

jungle jane said...

Die Murane:
thank you for this excellent tip. I will also try doing this in summer to see if works.

Cocaine Jesus:
Now which one is the dog? the canine on top or the lay-dee in the middle?

Barman:
I am certain you belong to the pet-eating club. Especially if you order the noodles - the bits of cat i don't use (ie the tail) i sell to chinese restuarants for inclusion in their Noodle Surprise. It's quite delicious.

Erin O'Brien said...

once i was in a bar and this guy said that he hunted rabbit and that he had a dead frozen rabbit in the car and then he went and got it and gave it to me and I went home and cooked it and ate it and it was okay except for the buckshot that was scattered all around where he shot it

barman said...

JJ, I kind of like to avoid food that is labeled "surprise". That goes double now.

mutleythedog said...

Dogs dicks kinda hook on when they penetrate so they can't be got out till they come ...that my handy tip should any of you ladies be tempted... Also - dogs actually have a bone in their penis unlike most men...

egan said...

The last picture has me pitching a tent. You're a damn talented writer Jungle.

Ratty. said...

Mr. Mutley.
Also - dogs actually have a bone in their penis unlike most men...

I have had a titanium rod implanted into my old chap. It serves the same purpose as a bone but does not need any marrow.

jungle jane said...

Erin:
Perhaps the buckshot could be viewed as roughage? you can never have enough bran, you know...

Barman:
You must work on your sense of adventure. Being American is simply no excuse for not liking surprises. I think I might have to send you a little surprise culinary gift in the post – just to help you become more experimental, like

Egan:
Oh I know how to arouse a fella. For true arousal however, click on Toby’s link. Just not at work. Unless you want to get sacked.

Ratty:
So if I need a bone marrow transport, does this mean that I cannot use your knob? If not, would I be able to at least use some of the titanium??

First Nations said...

top tip!
Duck press gathering dust?
I find that the insertion of several small cats into the barrel and a few brisk turns of the screw produces a uniform loaf suitable for roasting or pot-broiling! no fighting over who gets the ears...there's plenty throughout!

Ratty. said...

So if I need a bone marrow transport, does this mean that I cannot use your knob

No not at all. Even titanium contains a minute amount of bone marrow. It just means you have to suck much harder and much, much longer.

Toby said...

"thingys" should be a word, I use it all the time.

"375 degrees" F*C*"?

I'll be back. Right now I'm super busy running my rat-cat farm.

Henri Banks said...

Hmmm eating pets i dont know cats taste like rabbits birds are to small and dog meat no way !!!Dogs are sex slaves thats true !!!

jungle jane said...

FN:
Choice tip! I wonder if this may also work with my concrete mixer i have lying about my bedroom unused. I will report back!

Ratty:
I gave it a go with a frying pan. I sucked and sucked but didn't taste any marrow. i might try my exhaust pipe next - i think they are made of titanium?

Toby:
Lets go into business! i will buy heaps of cute kittens and when they grow up and aren't cute anymore and i get bored with them, i'll send them to you. Deal?

Henri:
fuck. no pleasing you. how about i cook up some horse stew then?

Henri Banks said...

Now you are talkin my language !!!

jungle jane said...

*cooks up some donkey and wonders if Henri will notice*

Colin Campbell said...

As a founding member of the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cooked Animals, I am incensed. People like you should be taken outside and lightly grilled.

jungle jane said...

Colin:
That sounds nice, but i don't think its terribly hygenic to mix cooking with sex, innit?

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