11 May 2007

Friday blues

I fucking hate weekends. Two retarded days in which life is simply not worth living other than a quick thrill on Sunday mornings when I pick up my copy of The News of the World in order keep abreast of financial news and politics.

  • I make sure that my shopping is done in our allocated lunch hour during the week, so if my assistant doesn't buy my bread on a Friday I have to wait until Monday before I can make any toast. This shits me – I like to have soft boiled egg and soldiers on a Saturday morning and it’s not fair that I have to go without just because my staff are delayed during their lunchtime waiting in the queue to pick up my dry cleaning
  • As y’all may know, I only take a dump during working hours. It gives me great satisfaction that I am getting paid to wipe my bum and even more joy that I am not paying for the loo roll either. Sometimes I even take laxatives if I fancy getting paid a bit of overtime. The downside is the bowel blockage I have to endure the whole bloody weekend.
  • Obviously I only blog Mondays to Fridays – there would be no point in having a job if I suddenly started using the weekends to dick about on the interweb thingy, innit?
  • No porn downloading on a Saturday or Sunday – I’m not paying for all that bandwidth myself, thank you very much. I simply block off an hour in my diary in the mornings to ‘conceptualise’ then trawl through midgetjerkcircle.com until our company server is full
  • My nose clogs up all weekend – I am hardly going to pick and deposit bogies under my own dining room table, am I? that would be gross

Fuck. It’s gone 5pm on a Friday afternoon. Time to go home. I am sooooo depressed….

46 comments:

Jenny! said...

Getting paid to do this rocks!!!

egan said...

I absolutely love this post on so many levels. Jungle, you're too much.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Come and live in the jungle, JJ. Every day is an office day and the male chimps will eat you out if you rub coconut milk on your fanny. Incidently, I don't approve of porn, the News of the World and all that immoral shit.

jungle jane said...

Jenny:
Well yes it does, but is it all really worth it in the end? Oh god i want to slit my wrists. I'm sure i feel a big poo brewing too and its only Friday evening.

Egan:
I imagine that there is very little on this list that you do not relate to. Had i added wanking to the list, i swear we would come across as twins

GB:
Fuck. I'm on my way. Will they also go out and buy my bread once i'm done cumming?

Ratty. said...

JJ.
Be a Rat. Everyday is a working day - swimming in the sewers full of giant turds, old fanny rags and used condoms is great. When you get a bit peckish you just go and have nibble on the old remains of a Big Mac or KFC. Highly recommended.

jungle jane said...

hmmmm i dunno, ratty. it sounds a bit too much like being a lawyer...i'm kinda thinking about it though - that KFC sounds fucking yummy...

Hal said...

I hear ya about pooping on company time. There is something satisfying about knowing part of your salary compensates you for the time spent there.

Plus, there is something satisfying about wiping your bum with corporate toilet paper (that you didn't pay for, no less), AND getting paid for it.

I can think of no better way to stick it to the man!

Captain Smack said...

I think a simple Xanax prescription might be the answer to your problem. I knew a woman who was supposed to take it every day, but instead saved it all for the weekends. She'd refer to it as a "Xanax Weekend" (also a good name for a rock band).

You'll wake up on Monday morning and it'll be like the weekend never happened.

jungle jane said...

Hal:
i always make sure i take a massive fistful of loo roll. i do not conserve and i don't give a fuck about the planet. i cushion my arse in company bog roll and if they don't like it, they can just go fuck themselves

Captain Smack:
See this is precisely the type of comment that i welcome. Kindly and helpful. Thank you. I will stockpile my assistant's drugs during the week and take them on the weekend. if he doesn't like it, he can fuck off and find another job...

wallycrawler said...

You can work for me anytime . I'll let ya work the whole weekend . Ya can shit and use up my whole roll if ya wanna .

Fuck I hate work'n weekends . That's why when I do work em , I'm a fuck'n prick to everyone who comes in contact with me .


Ya know after think'n about it I'm a fuck'n prick all the time , not just the weekends . What fuck'n idiot hired me ?!

mutleythedog said...

I steal the loo roll for the weekend Ms Jungle - and the coffee and sugar and spoons and cash,keys and other stuff people leave lying about. Computers, cabinets ....

morbid misanthrope said...

If there were no weekends, when would you go to church?

Richardsite said...

At least weekends only last 48 hours - except when they add those tiresome Bank Holidays. Who thought of those fuckers?

You get on a roll, 5 days the glory of work, 2 days shit (or no shit, as the case may be), and another 5 days of fun. After a few weeks, you just get your life in order and suddenly wham, Bank fucking Holiday! You gotta spend another 24 hours isolated from commuting, company dress, the fucking pricks you work with, staff canteens, etc!! What hell!! Let's vote to abolish them!

Oh fuck - I just remembered, I gotta take vacation time too.

BEAST said...

JJ just come and stay with me at the weekends , I spend my whole fecking life in Tescos anyways so shoplifting your bread as well aint gonna kill me , you can drop polish in my lav , if you can get throne space between all me other bowel relieving guests , and you can wipe what you like under me dinning table , the third world cleaner can get off her lazy fat slovakian ass and clean it up in the week(this is the third one the other two got deported).
My current work fave is buggering up ebay auctions during conference calls.Dont get me wrong I am fecking good at my job......I could be a genius if I actually paid attention :-)

Erin O'Brien said...

I work for myself. Am I screwing myself when I screw off at work?

Now I'm all confused.

Richardsite said...

Hey Erin - I could be your PA during my vacation and check who's screwing who for you?

2 probs sorted!! :))

barman said...

To be safe might I suggest a pickle or something else comfortably tuck up the bumm on the weekends to make sure there are no accidents.

Possibly you can get the Parliament to change the work week so you only have one day to deal with too. If they are any thing like our political types here they will jump at it. They never do any real work anyway.

josh williams said...

Isnt corporate paper a bit on the not so soft side.

jungle jane said...

Wally:
Well the thing is, I don’t actually do any work during the week – that’s my leisure time. and I am definitely never a prick in my leisure time – hence everyone at work thinks I’m a really nice person.

Mutley:
Ohhh we dance to the same tune, Mutley. Car keys are my favorite – I think its hilarious how people sweat on a Friday night when they can’t find their car keys and their missus aint coming to rescue them because she’s out on the lash with her workmates.

Morbid:
I visit church online these days - no point in actually going along to church seeing as they don’t serve red wine anymore. All god needs to know is that you’ve logged in to heaven once a week and all is sweeeet.

Richard:
Fuck I know – easter was especially hell. 4 long aching days of it. I got back into work after easter and spent an entire morning crapping my guts out and picking my nose. I have vacation stacked up since 1993 – I am certain there is no law that says I have to take them. The minute I become prime minister I am going to abolish weekends.

Beastie:
That sounds tops – just like my work! Tell me, is there any ass fucking at yours over the weekend too? if only you can get a cute Slovakian maid who is prepared to bend over for me…well damn I might quit my job entirely and move in with you…


Erin
Hmmmmm in your case, screwing about at work sounds a bit pointless really – a bit like tying yourself up so you can give yourself a good whipping…best you hire Richard and whip him instead

Barman
I like the pickle idea. I am going to give it a go. I don’t actually have any pickles handy but I do have a watermelon. I’ll use that and let you know how I go, yeah?

tony said...

Yea.Weekends!(spits!)DiY,for me......(also)....I am tiling a floor at Home this weekend.I will be on my knees almost all the time.Its almost like a religion.

Richardsite said...

Have I died and gone to heaven? My vacation hell is solved, I get to watch erin screwing herself, and I get whipped.

Do you work weekends too, erin? Or is that asking too much? :)

mutleythedog said...

Have you ever considered getting your puppies out on the net ms Jungle? Just asking.

Yoda said...

Interesting question ... if you do not blog during the weekends, then why do you pay for bandwidth at all? You're not home all week either ('coz you're getting paid to blog and wipe your bum).

:-p

Toby said...

I do all things possible on the mans time. There is a little sense of satisfaction knowing I'm being paid to poop. I usually bring a magazine with me. A trade mag... if anyone asks why I was in there so long.

By any chance are you looking for a weekend assistant? I tuck nicely under your desk.

Toby said...

Kill whitey!

zen wizard said...

You have an "assistant" and a "staff"?

That surprises me--I figured you just pushed a hotdog cart or something. Or maybe worked as a dominatrix. Or maybe were a dominatrix with a hotdog cart. (Something with either a whip or some sausage tongs or both...)

In fact, you having a staff might be one of the signs of the Apocalypse. If I see a bunch of Israelis working on a Third Temple, I will be really scared.

Sausage said...

Sorry I couldn't get your bread to you on Friday. It wasn't easy finding that "omar" you asked for. Please punish me with your hot dog tongs when you return to the office Monday.

ChickyBabe said...

You should use this as motivational posters. I think you have a winner!

egan said...

You could add the wanking to the list. I think your next post should be about how crappy ice cream is and why the internet is pure evil.

Mone said...

I love spending company time doing my private stuff. I dont just getting paid to poop, I even masturbate and take my time doing it. I am so happy not to be working for myself, hahaha.

Henri Banks said...

i am with Erin i work for myself to and the whole fucking week turned in a big weekend so its nice to screw around in the week and srew more in the weekend !!!

Winters said...

It's Sunday afternoon, Jungle Jane. You must be itching for a dump by now.

jungle jane said...

Tony:
I can think of WAY better reasons for spending the weekend on my knees that tiling floors...

Richard:
Dude. How lucky are you? i would pay good money to get spanked by Mistress Erin...

Mutley:
I have in fact got my rack out on the internet. if you trawl through Erin O'Brien's blog you will in face see a pic of me naked and taking drugs. Cool, huh?

Yoda:
Actually i steal bandwidth from my neighbour's unsecured wireless internet connection. As a person of very high morals i don't think its fair that they pay for my porn. I'm nice like that...

Toby:
see - we share a high ethical code in the workplace. i too try to read work related material on the loo - and i sometimes even take my laptop into the dunny so as i can shit and blog simultaneously

jungle jane said...

Zen:
I am similar to a cat - they don't have owners, they have 'staff'. i too have staff, however i do not lick my bum and sleep for 18 hours a day. nor do i dominate hotdogs. i am a career girl, Zen. My goal in life is to one day be your boss...

Sausage:
Dude. You are so fucking sacked its just not true. And I really didn't appreciate the 'JJ sucks hairy arses' grafitti you left in the Ladies either.

Shees...you just can't get the staff these days...

Chickybabe:
Yes I agree. I could maybe even start doing that speaking circuit thing whereby you inspire people to live better lives.

Egan:
I was going to blog about lettuce and soggy things. Not much in life is more evil than lettuce. Other than 'friends' that don't name their children after you...

Mone:
Fuck, we should go into business together! We'd do nothing other than flick our twats all day long! it would be so awesome! Let's do it!

Henri:
Me and Mone are starting up our own business. Your business and our business should get together for a conference or something. it would be a massive orgy! I am aroused!

Winters:
Yeah tell me about it. I'm scared to light a cigarette to due the massive amount of fart air around me. i fucking stink and its still another 12 hours to go before i get to work...

BEAST said...

I want to be JJ's assistant , all that abuse , and getting paid for it.......

paddy said...

Hate that, no toast on mondays. I'd kill myself. Infact, come to think of it, I make the soldiers put me up against the scullery wall and shoot me.
Don't shoot me I'm only the egg man, Kuu ku ca chu!
Y;-) Paddy

zen wizard said...

Could you just humor me and try pushing a hotdog cart through downtown London in a dominatrix costume?

I actually think I have inadvertently stumbled on to a great idea, here. I mean, do you know what goes in hotdogs? Anyone who eats one is de facto a masochist.

I see a really good synergy here.

jungle jane said...

Beast:
Umm...there's been a misunderstanding - i don't actually pay my staff. They work for the honour of being in my presence...

Paddy:
It's been another toastless weekend. I am slitting my wrists right this very second...


Zen:
Wellllll...okay then - but only on the condition that you dress up in a nappy and jog around trafalgar square while i spank you..

mutleythedog said...

I will see you by the water cooler in the morning jungley!!

josh williams said...

Someone pooped in my blog, Jane did you mess your pants while visiting?

fingers said...

Have you got a temporary job lined up for those pesky annual holidays this year...

Mone said...

I have already a name for us JJ, how do you like "street dogs on fire"? And Henri would be nbr. one spreading the word to the crowd :)

jungle jane said...

Mutley:
Can't wait. I've popped about 40 tabs of acid into water. Today is going to totally rock...

Josh:
guilty. sorry - i just couldn't bear the thought of pooping in my own house - it was still the weekend technically speaking, yanno

Fingers:
i haven't taken holidays for 14 years. i couldn't possibly go 2 weeks without taking a dump...

Mone:
I love it! and Henri will be great at doing our marketing. Do you think we could get him to spread the message naked??

Henri Banks said...

hmmm on my age !!! naked in public then i have to start gym again ... so what are you going sell girls ?

jungle jane said...

hmmm - i think we will start by selling your arse, Henri. we should be millionaires in about 3 weeks time, then we can retire and enjoy life, eh?

ARM said...

I have heard many people say similar things about dumping at work and getting paid for it. Unfortunately, I have a strong fear of crapping outside of my house. I've never been able to get over it.