I fucking hate weekends. Two retarded days in which life is simply not worth living other than a quick thrill on Sunday mornings when I pick up my copy of The News of the World in order keep abreast of financial news and politics.
- I make sure that my shopping is done in our allocated lunch hour during the week, so if my assistant doesn't buy my bread on a Friday I have to wait until Monday before I can make any toast. This shits me – I like to have soft boiled egg and soldiers on a Saturday morning and it’s not fair that I have to go without just because my staff are delayed during their lunchtime waiting in the queue to pick up my dry cleaning
- As y’all may know, I only take a dump during working hours. It gives me great satisfaction that I am getting paid to wipe my bum and even more joy that I am not paying for the loo roll either. Sometimes I even take laxatives if I fancy getting paid a bit of overtime. The downside is the bowel blockage I have to endure the whole bloody weekend.
- Obviously I only blog Mondays to Fridays – there would be no point in having a job if I suddenly started using the weekends to dick about on the interweb thingy, innit?
- No porn downloading on a Saturday or Sunday – I’m not paying for all that bandwidth myself, thank you very much. I simply block off an hour in my diary in the mornings to ‘conceptualise’ then trawl through midgetjerkcircle.com until our company server is full
- My nose clogs up all weekend – I am hardly going to pick and deposit bogies under my own dining room table, am I? that would be gross
Fuck. It’s gone 5pm on a Friday afternoon. Time to go home. I am sooooo depressed….