30 May 2007

Oral

What with the sheer amount of dirty bacteria such as AIDS and SARS kicking around the place these days it is really quite surprising that toothbrushes are still legal.

The main obstacle to toothbrush sanitation is your t
oilet, which is usually located about 5 feet from your hand basin. Every time the dunny is flushed shit-infested water sprays up to 8 feet around the bowl, landing on everything in the bathroom including your toothbrush. Even your toilet brush would be more hygienic to clean your teeth with – at least that is encased in a nice plastic sheath to protect it from all that muck spraying about.

Now although I was once in love with a dude so
oooo bad that I could have happily used his shit as toothpaste I have to draw the line at doing the Dental Sanchez with my own faecal matter.

Another thing likely to leave a bad taste in your mouth is...errr...your own mouth. The average mouth is a fungi jungle! More than 100 different types of bacterial critters breed in our mouths – more than our arses and our armpits combined. There are so many germs hanging about your mouth they really ought to be paying rent. Now picture removing these squatters from t
he party they are throwing between your teeth and where do they happily live and breed after that? In your bloody toothbrush of course! And that three second flick of your brush under a running tap doesn’t mean it’s all good either unless you also happen to boil it after every use? No? Thought not, you dirty bastards.

If that were all not bad enough, the final kick in the pants occurs with those of you unlucky enough to co-habit.
Hands up who of you is not guilty of using their partner or housemate’s toothbrush on the sly for things like cleaning the household garlic press or applying bleach to your twat hair? And if your housemate has an electric toothbrush – even better. You never have to worry about your ‘rabbit’ breaking down and you can even give your genital jewelry a bit of a quick buff whilst you are down there.

Now of course none of the above stuff applies to me. My own fastidious hygiene routine dictates that I only ever use my toothbrush once before throwing it away immediately and buying a new one. It’s lucky that teeth only need brushing fortnightly – omg could you imagine how much money I would spend if they were like bongs and needed cleaning every bloody day!!

In conclusion, I urge you to ensure that you always brush your teeth with rubber gloves on. You don’t want all those toothbrush germs coming into contact with your hands and spreading diseases, now do you? Unless of course you like the idea of gargling in someone else’s faecal matter – in which case you are good to ignore all of this and come back for my next hygiene-oriented post which will be entitled: “Why you should never sit in the same car as a woman who is on the blob”.




61 comments:

BEAST said...

Now being a girl , surely you always close the toilet lid after use (as I am always being told off for leaving it up) so that must stop the shite spray.
I always gargle with neat Tesco's extra thick bleach , thats possibly why I cant speak most of the timebut at least my oral orifice is sparkly clean....my arse however is another matter entirley.Can we have an arse and bowel cleaning post please ????

waygon112 said...

Jane, sorry to flush your theory down the toilet, but I keep my toothbrush in the medicine cabinet in a case.

And by the way, shouldn't it be called a teethbrush, unless of course you only have 1 tooth.

BEAST said...

So JJ just to clarify , I little recreational rimming is ok , as long as you dont clean your teeth(unless using the toilet brush) afterwards.
Did I get that right

jungle jane said...

Beastie
Dude you must NEVER put the lid down. It caused the germs to build up and then next thing you know the loo blows sky high, infecting your entire house with shit germs. Seriously.

Wayne
Not safe, i'm afraid. The gas permeates EVERYWHERE. no-one is safe from it, gay medicine cupboard or not.

The toothbrush was so named because it was discovered by a redneck. if not, i am certain they would have been called teethbrushes.

Beastie
Rimming is heaps fine because its fresh on the rim. you really don't want all those 12 hour old stale germs on your breath, do you beastie??

Ratty. said...

JJ.
I cracked it years ago and went homoeopathic. I brush my teeth with a thirteen year old tooth brush and use a secret blend of animal and human shit as a cleaning paste. I am as healthy as fuck and there is not a whiff of halitosis.

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

I SOOOO did not want to see that picture...

Jenny! said...

I keep mine on lock down inside the medicine chest, no shit on my brush my dear!

morbid misanthrope said...

I've been saying it for years: Brushing your teeth is for suckers. I just drink whiskey every time I feel the urge to clean my teeth. I have so much alcohol in my system, I'm practically sterile--and dead.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Being a gorilla, my shit is antiseptic. I'll give you some to put on your fanny the next time you get an infection.

Bugwit said...

Hey, no flys on me! I bathe five times a day in dial anti-bactierial soap.

I tore out the Corian and had my entire bathroom done in anti-bactieral surfaces.

I have seven different isolated, self-containted air conditioning systems in my house - all with hepa-filters.

I had the bedroom converted to a clean room suitable for handling any number of monkey-borne diseases.

When I have sex, I don't use a condom, I use three sandwich baggies. Aligator style, of course. For her pleasure.

jungle jane said...

Ratty
Fuck dude, your toothbrush is older than my grandmother. This blend of shit and animal waste all sounds a bit expensive. why don't you just give up and start brushin your teeth with a badger's arse?

Ingsoc
Dude. Don't diss my art. I want to see your crap settle in the pan like a sad lonely face...

Jenny
yeah and when you walk out the room your son grabs it out and uses it as a plaything. i'm serious. then your boyfriend comes in the bathroom, takes the brush from the baby and scratches his arse with it.

morbid
wiht the looks of things on your avatar, your dental hygiene is working well. just keep getting those teeth extracted morbid. the tooth fairy is bound to leave you whiskey

GB
Does it work for mouth ulcers? Can i try gargling with it? if so, can i urge you to eat a curry tonight so as you can send me a large tubfull in the morning?

Bugwit
Well yes thats all very nice, but you are quite pointedly avoiding the subject of your toothbrush hygiene.

I mean i spend most days flicking my bean and admiring my air conditioning system but that doesn't mean that there aint poo on me toothbrush, innit??

ARM said...

This post does not help borderline germophobes. Seriously, Jungle Jane!

And remind me never, ever to read your blog at work. I can only imagine what the lady who walks behind me all fucking day would think if she caught a glimpse of this!!

fingers said...

I laminate myself before I even enter this putrid blog...

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Now that's a real shitty situation. I think I'll sand blast my teeth from now on. I'm going to throw my toothbrush away this instant.

Tickersoid said...

It's perfectly safe to use the communual toothbrush to remove stubborn klingon stains around the toiled bowl.
I'm sure I read it somewhere.

Rex Venom said...

Poopy toothbrushes and germ filled kisses.
Excellent!
No need to worry any further if things end up getting too naughty, then.
Rock on!

Paco Taco said...

worried about your precious
teethbrushes...I drink from there dammit! yall gotta stop using
the toilet alltogether and
go outside like yer supposed to.

RAFFI said...

so i guess it's been the shit giving me that minty fresh feeling all this time... i've always known my shit doesn't stink.

jungle jane said...

ARM
Yes my point entirely! How on earth are borderline germaphobes ever to become truly phobic unless they realize how many nasties are hidden in ordinary household situations waiting to pounce on them and spread their muck.

fingers
Well that’s all very nice and good, but what about your toothbrush? No good you being all sparkly clean if your teeth are still exposed to my taint, innit?

dirtybitchsociety
You could try bleaching your entire mouth instead? Or sticking to using the toilet brush for hygience purposes??

Tickers
I am assuming that what your comment actually meant was was “It's perfectly safe to use the ANY toothbrush OTHER THAN MY OWN to remove stubborn klingon stains around the toiled bowl”?

Rex
Yes in for a penny in for a pound, I guess. Once you’ve kissed someone the damage is done – you may as well leap in there and lick their arsehole too

Paco
Fuck dude, no wonder your breathe smells like arse. See, this is precisely why I don’t like it when you want to lick my face while I’m eating.

Raffi
They may as well start manufacturing toothpaste flavoured like your arse in that case Raffi. I would buy it – heck, I’d be honoured to use it. I wonder if they can also start making small packs of mints out of your shit?

Bugwit said...

Ah...yes, well I just had them all pulled and avoided the whole issue!

Pixie Sprinkle said...

Bugwit is a gummy bugger!
Bugwit is a gummy bugger!

BEAST said...

I bet bugwit is a good snogger ,gumtastic, might take three weeks to break the suction tho

fingers said...

What toothbrush ??
I send my teeth out to be cleaned...

Newmania said...

I`m sorry JJ but if you only brush your teeth fortnightly you are not going to be allowed to give me a blow job...No I `m serious ....oh god you`re not going to beg are you....I tell you what I `ll think about it ok.I like your picture you look quite sweet as pie and icecream and your red hat is most fetching. I bet you scrub up rather nicely .
Have her washed and brought to my tent

DirtyBitchSociety said...

See, I like you already, you're quick to think of a better way to handle this nasty problem. That's a true friend and I thank you. Sand blasting is painful, in your mouth, I tried it.

Jenny! said...

I wouldn't doubt it...men are nasty! I will have ot set up a camera ot find out for sure!

jungle jane said...

bugwit
My word, that’s a novel approach! Do you amputate all body parts instead of cleaning them??

pixie
Manners young lady, manners

beastie
We could possibly use bugwit as a vacuum cleaner! Such suction power is a gift! What’s your ‘special’ skill, beastie??

fingers
I think that’s very sensible – I hope you use gloves when you remove your teeth though – we all know where your finger has been recently

newmania
Oh I am all class, me. Dainty, sweet and pure. My hair is my natural colour, too – I was born with hair as red as a slapped arse. I can see you know a fine filly when you see her.

dirtybitchsoc
See, I am the type of bird that thinks outside her box. I don’t think one should subject the teeth to DIY. Its not as if one would sandblast one’s arse either, innit?

jenny!
Yes you should set up spy cams everywhere. And you should train your son to be a daughter. You won’t regret it, jenny

tony said...

Jane!After read your post i did a little research on Toothbrush Fetish.It exists! Wonderful!
Wouldnt it be great if we could "rent" a fetish for ,say a month,just enough time to get a feel for it.But not long enough to be hooked.......
By the way, i would not advocate brushing your teeth with rubber gloves.I tried it once & had a blue waxy smile for a month afterwards!

jungle jane said...

tony! oh my word! Abe is my hero! We should track him down and send him my blog!

my fetishes really only have a shelf life of a week or so - after that i usually have to hire a professional cleaner to come in and hose down the walls...

Bugwit said...

Every few days, I just take off a layer with a cheese grater. No muss, no fuss.

Bugwit said...

Pixie: If I kiss that beautiful face of yours, do you promise to puke pea soup all over me?

Beast: Same offer to you.

jungle jane said...

Bug, fuck. have you no sense of decorum? Pixie is EIGHT YEARS OLD! I'm trying very hard here to preserve her innocence.

Parenthood is a SUCH thankless chore.

jungle jane said...

oh hang on a sec. Actually i think Pixie is 7. Who knows - they grow up so fast these days...

Denny Shane said...

My pysch asks me to think about my friends and any the contibritute to my problems... 5 strokes, etc etc.

I only read this "I was once in love with a dude sooooo bad that I could have happily used his shit as toothpaste"

Why she asks questions like she does beyond me...

Vince said...

I always have a cigarette after brushing to fumigate all that fecal matter.

zen wizard said...

This was really enlightening--I am going to have to raise my fee on letting people blow me.

Thank you--from the depths of my esophagus!

zen wizard said...

(This is weird--sometimes my firewall lets this page in and sometimes it doesn't.

I'm still not sure which is better, either...)

EBEZP said...

So informative JJ, I've learned a lot! Didn't want to learn it but now I know I will never forget. The horrors of the tooth brush. I'll stick to rimming and washing out with sterile pee then, sounds best!
Please don't rush your next hygiene post, it'll take some time to get rid of the bad taste of this one!!

jungle jane said...

Denny
Your shrink seems a bit...well...uptight. Clearly she has never been in love. Just ignore her Denny and remember to send me your stroke drugs. I am SURE i can get a buzz of them

VIIIIIINCE
Fuck the fungi. you are back. my world is complete

Zen
Fuck. Typical lawyer dude. here i am providing a public service on hygiene and all you are worried about is overcharging people for swallowing your shit-laced jizm. No wonder your firewall is being picky.

ebezp
I am here to educate. Its not always pleasant, but someone has to take care of the ozone layer and stuff. Please come back soon - you will find my post on menstrual cramps both humourous and humble. No need to thank me. Just send me weed.

Erin O'Brien said...

aw shit.

Bugwit said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bugwit said...

Her body may only be 7 (or 8, depending on mom's state of intoxication), but her evil soul chased Moses around the school yard trying to cop a feel.

kelly ripafart said...

OMG i love your blog! i got this in the mail once. that was my favourite toothbrush!

matty said...

Jungle Jane! I've been warning people about this issue for years! Years!

I keep my SonicCare Elite Toothbrush in a protective covering when not in use. ...and I close the lid on the can when I flush!

Of course, I really should get out of the habit of licking the bathroom floor. I won't go into details, but this was a habit born from a rather disgusting sexual relationship with a cabbie back in the early 90's.

ah, memories.

Denny Shane said...

of course jane... tomorrow I will right to the post office for honey.

what the hell will i do then while are you're having fun?

Captain Smack said...

This is why I don't brush. I just eat dog biscuits, because dogs always seem to have clean teeth. Also, vets are less expensive than dentists.

Sausage said...

Thank you for the help with my diet Jane. This post the cheapest and easiest appetite killer on Earth. You're my rock!

jungle jane said...

Erin
So many people talk shit. I think it’s their toothbrush’s fault.

Bug
She’s very mature for a plastic doll. I do worry about her

Kelly ripafart
OMG at least you could see the whole toothbrush. I am going to try that with my best mate – only I intend shoving her entire brush up my rectum. For her amusement. I am certain she will find it funny.

Matty
I KNEW you would understand! You can’t be too careful Matty and as someone who has spent time in the dental industry I am delighted that you have verified my factual findings. Despite what many think, this post is actually almost entirely true.

The floor licking thing sounds hot. Did you get free cab rides?

Denny
Perhaps you can spend a bit of time playing with your toothbrush?

Smack
Do you have dog breath, or is it only dogs that get dog breath? And do you sniff your mates’ arses when you meet up? More importantly, do you sniff the vet’s arse ever? Just curious, like…

Sausage
As you know I am here to help you get laid. Whatever it takes sausage. Whatever. I am here for you, sista. Cheaper than diet drugs and less of a comedown.

Steph said...

As a germophobe you have convinced me to buy one of those toothbrush steralizer jobbies.

I once caught my room mate killing a cockroach with my toothbrush. I slept with it (a new one of course) under my pillow after that.

La Muck said...

I eat shit on a daily basis so this doesn't surprise me... I did catch my housemate sticking one of the other girls' toothbrushes down her crack once. I now keep mine in a safe guarded by ninjas.

Ninjas don't shit, right?

david santos said...

Today it is the World-wide day of the child

Newmania said...

Hats off to Steph its not many women that would sleep with a cockroach. That must have been an awkward breakfast though

Newmania said...

That red stuff is hair ?How...um...vivid

Richardsite said...

My, my! Little Pixie's responses are the spitting (hehe) image what her Mom would write!! :))

Don't forget to take your toothbrush when you're out of your hotel room. It enrages the management, they actually have to give their maids scrubbing brushes then!

jungle jane said...

Steph
Was it a male cockroach, or are we talking lesbian cockroach sex??

Muckster
Do you still have the toothbrush tainted by crack? I’ll pay good money for that…

David Stantos
Fabulous. My daughter is an 8 year old plastic doll with blue hair. Its not often she’s included in global initiatives.

Newmania
Its better than that – she practiced both bestiality and necrophilia – the cockroach was in fact dead. Go Steph! Go Steph! Go Steph!

My hair was having a period. It’s female hair, after all…

jungle jane said...

Richard? are you drunk again??

Richardsite said...

I'm drunk wherever I go! (In my dreams!) Hehe!

brotherray said...

This is some good damn shit!

wallycrawler said...

OK three posts in a row about "Scatting" . You seem to be obsessing .

Not that I mind I love the visuals !

jungle jane said...

a shit in the hand is worth two in the bush, people

Karen Little said...

The most vile thing I ever encountered was at a psychiatric hospital where I saw a horde of patients putting their toothbrusshes on a communal pile post-morning brushing. A nurse then packed them into a plastic bag, and then dealt them out again after supper for evening brushing. there were no names or anything on the brushes... Patients just got any old random one that any old random psychopath had used twelve hours before.

I asked why this horrible thing was happening, and I was told patients weren't allowed to have their own toothbrushes in case they decided to employ them as weapons.