- The ‘vibrate’ function on a phone is only for horny girls. How are you supposed to take a call at a funeral if you can’t hear your phone ringing?
- Make sure you get a synthesisted ringtone – people around you will love it. ‘Who Let the Dogs Out’ is fun and catchy – give it a go. Or try recording yourself farting if you want a more personal touch.
- Always start your conversations with ‘Hi, it’s me’. If you don’t tell people it’s you, how will they know who’s calling?
- The "I'll be home in five minutes..." phone call is it REALLY worth it. Do it.
- Always announce that you are ‘on the train’. The novelty of someone being on both a train and a phone simultaneously is so amazing that the people around you will want to sleep with you.
- Make sure that you shout. Shouting ensures that the person you are calling will hear you even if you weren’t using the phone. The rule of thumb is ‘Can they hear me in India?’
- People in Range Rovers talking on mobile phones are held in very high esteem by the general public. If you own a mobile, go buy a Range Rover. Your popularity will soar. You will get laid more often.
- There is no need to terminate your phone call when you go to the loo. Especially if you are taking a crap.
- Wear your headset even if you are not on a call. Chicks love it. They will offer you sex.
- Other than the train, the best time to make a call on your mobile is at a cashier’s desk. Best to hold the phone with your right hand against your left ear. It makes you look worldly and virile.
My work here is done.