19 May 2007

Mobile phone etiquette

  1. The ‘vibrate’ function on a phone is only for horny girls. How are you supposed to take a call at a funeral if you can’t hear your phone ringing?
  2. Make sure you get a synthesisted ringtone – people around you will love it. ‘Who Let the Dogs Out’ is fun and catchy – give it a go. Or try recording yourself farting if you want a more personal touch.
  3. Always start your conversations with ‘Hi, it’s me’. If you don’t tell people it’s you, how will they know who’s calling?
  4. The "I'll be home in five minutes..." phone call is it REALLY worth it. Do it.
  5. Always announce that you are ‘on the train’. The novelty of someone being on both a train and a phone simultaneously is so amazing that the people around you will want to sleep with you.
  6. Make sure that you shout. Shouting ensures that the person you are calling will hear you even if you weren’t using the phone. The rule of thumb is ‘Can they hear me in India?’
  7. People in Range Rovers talking on mobile phones are held in very high esteem by the general public. If you own a mobile, go buy a Range Rover. Your popularity will soar. You will get laid more often.
  8. There is no need to terminate your phone call when you go to the loo. Especially if you are taking a crap.
  9. Wear your headset even if you are not on a call. Chicks love it. They will offer you sex.
  10. Other than the train, the best time to make a call on your mobile is at a cashier’s desk. Best to hold the phone with your right hand against your left ear. It makes you look worldly and virile.

My work here is done.


Toby said...

I don't have a mobile, I don't need to be that accessible. When I'm forced, I will use the fart as my ringtone.

Speaking of being accessible, last winter I was in Vegas and there was a phone on the wall next to the loo. I called the front desk for company.

Henri Banks said...

Forget your Phone ,Phones are for little girls,I got an ipod
check this:

Gorilla Bananas said...

I don't have one and certainly won't be getting one now. I don't want humans offering me sex because of my equipment. Thanks for the info, JJ. What a considerate woman you are.

Anonymous said...

I have a a FuneralMarch as my ringtone for the funeral problem...

BEAST said...

My particular favourite is the supermarket 'I AM JUST BY THE FROZEN CHICKENS' , its so sexy I am sure my knicker elastic would be twanging , if i was wearing any

Ratty. said...

I refuse to use them. It is a known fact that they fuck up your brains. + it's also a tool of the NL. government, enabling them to have the facility to call you and order that you immediately report to your local extermination camp.

jungle jane said...

Perhaps you should simply fart every time you want to speak to someone. It will be like your trademark calling card. Chicks would love it. You'd get laid heaps.

I love that - if i had one, i would only play heaps of heavy metal

Gorillas use mobiles too, you know. and i am sure you wouldn't want to turn down gorilla sex? you should get a range rover too - it would set you aside from all those rhino driving trolls you hang out with

Yes but you are a man of style. i would expect no less from you. in fact the queue to shag you is winding its way down my road. in essex.

Next time you are at the frozen chickens, please call me up and yell "they are all frozen. how the fuck am i going to get sex tonight?"

I like things that fuck up your brain. God invented mobile phones as an alternative to exctasy. Oath. No lie.

zen wizard said...

I called one of my vendors one time when I was taking a dump.

I felt like such a dick...the guy HAS to listen, because he is selling me stuff.

When I flushed the toilet, he said, "I don't know if anyone's ever done that to me before..."

I would have made a great Roman aristocrat.

jungle jane said...

zen. fuck man. that's just so wrong. jesus dude, do you have NO sense of decorum? you should study my blog very hard - you might be able to pick up a few tips on how to be a real lady...

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

I assume you work at a cashier's desk.

I admit to having a downloaded ringtone- sorry.

Gamesmaster- Lost Tribe.

Have taken calls while pissing, but only if it's a mate.

matty said...

Jungle Jane -- I'm a boy and I get much pleasure from my vibrating phone! ...of course, I'm a bit on the kinky side. But, still --- it can be a uni-sexual opportunity! (if one knows how to work it correctly and walks in just the right way)


RAFFI said...

i take it to the next level... i have sex with an earpiece on, on my range rover's toilet, with the cell on vibrate, yelling at the top of my lungs, while talking to my mom telling her i'll be coming in 5mins. btw, your daughter is really... limber.

Die Muräne said...

If you don't own a mobile, you can do all this stuff by using a razor! Holding it on your ear and just do like it's a mobile is very impressive. Believe me, it works ;)

Anonymous said...

Yes but you are a man of style. i would expect no less from you. in fact the queue to shag you is winding its way down my road. in essex.

Essex??? Where is Essex?? I need to get there real soon...

Dan said...

Wear your headset even if you are not on a call. Chicks love it. They will offer you sex..

Really? Wow! Then I can have real sex while I'm having cell phone sex. Awesome!!

ChickyBabe said...

I can't do without the vibrate! Do you think I know that my phone is ringing otherwise?

And you forgot the wankers in their hotted up cars talking on their mobile phone.

BEAST said...

i have a mate that comes round to 'see' you , and will talk or text on their mobile phone from the moment they enter my house.
If you utter one word to them they will give you this 'cant you see I am busy' kinda vibe.Then will promptly leave having not touched the coffee they insisted they wanted.
Its natures way of advertising the person attached to the device is a complete wanker. Nature is a wonderful thing !

jungle jane said...

I don’t work at a cashier’s desk but am frequently trapped behind others who think that paying for their goods is a great time to make a call. I’ve called people ‘rude bastards’ when they do this, but they usually hush me and gesture that ‘they are making a call’

Wow! All this time I thought you were pleased to see me. Now I find out that its just a phone in your pocket!

Wow – I bet you get laid every 3 seconds. Do you have a tinny, synthesized ring-tone too? Oh and BTW my kid is a little trollop. If ever you meet her, guard your wallet.

Die Murane:
What a great idea! You can get laid and have a clean shaven face at the same time! I guess a razor buzzes, too – perfect for that ‘vibrate’ effect. I am going to go buy a Range Rover and drive about all day with your razor

jungle jane said...

Essex is where us classy folk live. It’s well posh here, so if they do give you a visa and you decide to come on over, please remember to take off your shoes before you enter essex. Just ask for me down the Slug and Lettuce – I’ll be selling cheap gold shoes and hashish around the back.

If you pop your phone on vibrate, you could make it a threesome. Try it on the bus – the driver won’t mind one little bit

See – you have proven my social experiment. Women and Matty are the sole reason that the vibrate function was invented. I do love science.

Next time your mate comes around, you should call him up on his mobile phone. That way he will still be on the phone, but at least he will be talking to you.

Richardsite said...

And no mention of office mobiles? JJ, you're slipping!

It's important you have a really irritating ring tone set when you go for a long satisfying dump leaving it on your desk, then call yourself on your second set every 90 seconds. If anyone gets irritated enough to pick it up, just tell 'em "No worries, I'll call back later". Later, being another 90 seconds of course....

And meetings? Great fun. Arm yourself with a second mobile set to auto-dial yourself, just in case no-one wants to talk to you.

Then two approaches.

One: set it to vibrate, and in the heart of the meeting when deep discussion and heavy thought is needed, press your hidden auto-dialer and shake that table! Pick it up, frown (even if it's only your own call, it looks good), and say "Sorry, it can wait. Do go on.". Pick your moment, and you can wreck the concentration of 10 other dudes!

Alternatively, go to the meeting, again wait for a good moment just when your presence is actually required and the meeting hangs on your next sentence and call yourself. This time, murmur a quick "Sorry, I must take this", and leave those 10 dudes waiting while you pop outside, maybe have a quick fag or read the newspaper. I personally wouldn't be gone for more than 10 minutes, but it's your call (literally!). Walk back in, muttering profuse apologies and ask someone to bring you up to speed. Halfway though this you could call yourself again? Hey, your choice. The more calls, the more important you appear to be. Right?


Colin Campbell said...

My boss has his son shouting "Dad your phone's ringing" as a ring tone. I can recommend against the human voice for a ring tone.

I am highly appreciative of the extra value tips from your commenters. Anything to wreck corporate harmony and particularly, annoying meetings. I mean the world stops for all mobile phone calls. All I need now is a pager to confuse people.

Betty DeStructor said...

As ever Jane, you enrich me. I feel fulfilled and educated. Mobile phones are also good if you want your housemate to make you a cup of tea, especially when you can't be arsed to shout at them to do it.

Anonymous said...

I heard that fart ringtone in the Paris metro only yesterday. There was a big fat sweaty bloke opposite me, and I saw his back pocket vibrate - then his fart ringtone rang out.

That ringtone stank, though. I suspect it wasn't a ringtone. If so, I hope he didn't follow through.

jungle jane said...

Oh lordy me, i can see that i am among a champion and a gentleman. i can only hope to one day reach the giddy heights of bastardness that you have achieved. Do you have any jobs for me where you work? the only way i could possibly hope to emulate you would be to study you from close range...

I agree – i think Richard deserves some kind of honour. Perhaps I could buy him a knighthood – for services rendered to annoying others more effectively

Ah yes, another handy use of the mobile – to call people within earshot. Of course you could use Die Murane’s trick of using an electric shaver and yelling into it loudly instead? That would infuriate your housemates equally, and save you the cost of the call. Alternatively you could ring them with you phone and hang up before they answer. They will probably call you back – at which point you can order your tea and save yourself the cost of the call

With the number of people who talk out of their arse, I am not surprised that this gentleman chooses to use him bum instead of a phone. And plus there is always good reception in your pants, unlike the Metro, innit?

Captain Smack said...

How about a vibrating cellphone/dildo? You can talk to your mom on it, then fuck yourself with it!

tony said...

I have Peter Kay as my ringphone shouting
"it's spitting.It's spitting.Everybody in it's spitting.........."
The World Is A Better Place Because of This.

ARM said...

I knew there was a better use of the "vibrate" option on my phone!! Cell phones are rechargeable...hell of a lot cheaper than buying batteries for my real vibrator!

And yeah, every time I see a guy with one of those headsets in...all I want to do is jump their bones. So hot, I tell you. So. Hot.

jungle jane said...

If i get a headset, i could possibly even fuck myself whilst i talk to my mum?

Nice work my man. I hope you have that ringtone set to maximum volume??

Did you know you can charge and vibrate at the same time? Seriously! my electricity bill has tripled since i discovered that!

~d said...

I so totally cannot stand Hi, it's me! I hate it I hate it I hate it!
I ALWAYS (when you answer the fone) will say:
It's ~d!
and i do it in this gay-ass sing song way!
(ummm, how abt my Tommy Tutone's 867-5309 ring tone? Is that one OK?)

barman said...

Picking up on a few tips there. Announce I am on a train even if I am not. Get a Range Rover. Get a headset.

Oh boy, I'm getting laid for sure!

Oh and no fart ring tone for me unless they have added odor to it then maybe.

Anonymous said...

Now I know why I do not get laid, Jane. Silly me, I thought all of those behaviors were rude. But all along I've been surrounded by virile and willing men seranading me with their suggestive ring tones.

Off to go play some Dick Dale on my iBod.

wallycrawler said...

I love the guys who wear their "Motorola Bluetooth" cells on their ears , like a cyborg . I don't know about you ? But I think these men & women are the most important people in the world ! They need to be assessable every second of the day . Like my electrician Bill . He's easily the most important man I've ever met . If he's not online , the free world would fail . How hard is it to reach in a pocket and pull out a phone ? But Nooooo..ya have'ta wear it on your fuck'n head . oooo...Look at that guy he has a cell . No kid'n retard we all do ! It's 2007 .

They are the creepiest , most annoying , dim-wits of the "cell phone users" .

ing said...

I think it's also nice to pull out the cell while walking down a crowded sidewalk and abruptly STOP as you dial, making everyone behind you bump into each other. It's a lot easier for you to see the little buttons if you aren't moving.

josh williams said...

My dad made a mobile phone out of wood. He cut a small block of wood, painted it black drove a 12 penny nail on the upper corner of it and if he felt the need he could drive and put it to his ear.He may still have it, although he does own a real mobile phone he just does not turn it on...

jungle jane said...

These fools that say ‘it’s me’ clearly do not know that phones have caller ID and the person they are calling would see their name come up. Even if they are having an affair and use false names on their phones would one assume that the person they are calling would remember this and know who is calling. Fools.

If you do all three, you are likely to have a gangbang. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Just don’t walk down SoHo, London – unless you really really like gangbags with men.

Those were not ringtones – those were mating calls. Go out there sausage. Spread your wings. Live a little. You can even try dancing seductively to their ringtones to signal your interest. You know you want to…

Could you tell Bill that he is late for his appointment at my place? I’ve tried to call him, but his phone is constantly engaged. If he can’t make it, can he get one of his other Cyborg mates to hop on a spaceship and come on over? if they play their ringtone real loud, they will even get laid…I love creepy dim-wits

You should also remember to pace up and down when taking that call. Especially in busy areas like shopping malls. That way everyone has to step AROUND you as you laugh in your headset oblivious to your dumbness. Chicks love that.

Fuck me – that was some expensive nail! Your daddy sure didn’t hold back on fine craftsmanship. I don’t blame him for not turning his plastic, shit tinny new-fangled phone on – they damn well don’t make them like they used to. I bet your dad gets laid heaps…

Tickersoid said...

I feel it's important to give a commentry of your conversation to the strangers in the vacinity.

Just so they don't feel left out and appreciate how important you are.

BEAST said...

I am so excited , I am practicing my seductive dance(it invovles donuts and a bit of licking).
First persons phone that rings its off with the velcro trousers and get thrusting.

EmmaK said...

I think it's okay to talk on the mobile while taking a crap as long as you're crapping quietly...but I suppose that's something men can't do so it's best, as you say, Jane, to warn them not to take a dump while chatting. The rest of the rules I totally agree with.

First Nations said...

american amendment:
when entering the main road from a cross street, make certain you are talking animatedly on your mobile phone and looking in the opposite direction as the flow of traffic you are about to enter is travelling. accellerate at will!
unsecured passengers under the age of 3 add to your cachet!
yes, there's nothing quite like talking to someone on the phone and hearing the entire contents of their abdomen shooting out their ass in the background, is there?

Jenny! said...

It is also very important to continue screaming into the phone "can you hear me?" when you have lost your signal in an elevator! I do enjoy a good vibrator now and again, oh, wait you were talking about cell phones...those are not waterproof!

waygon112 said...

I have my cell hooked to my belt in front of my zipper.
This way when my ringtone goes off chick look at my manhood and want to shag me right there because they are so entranced that my huge manhood can play music.

I sometimes also leave it there and put it on vibrate!!!

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Well, if they're making a call, they're too busy to speak to the cashier.
Take their place.

egan said...

You would fall for me madly and quickly.

barman said...

Now just a minute JJ, you mention SoHo, London. I did some ivestigating. Most intersting area.

Funny think too, it looks like Henrey the VIII is involved with that area a long time ago. In my neck of the woods where I grew up they had a strip club, Henry VIII (actually two in the area but wouldn't that make one of the Henry the IX?).

SoHo now has a concentration of strip clubs (and other things). You don't suppose the two are related somehow? I think I might be best just avoiding the whole gangbang sceen.

Paco Taco said...

my ringtone is a cats meow.
the bitches come running.

ibod? i wanna fuck
my music too!

whens the imelon commin out?

maybe i can get an ibod for
my bitch and just backdoor it

morbid misanthrope said...

Your blog must be very widely read indeed, because it seems as though everyone I've been around lately has been following your cell phone rules to the letter. Congratulations.

josh williams said...

Your work is never done, your work is always necessary and always welcome.

jungle jane said...

It doesn’t matter what ringtone you have – as long as you leave your phone in your neighbour’s house the ringing will never bother you

Ring donuts make very handy haemrrhoid cushions. And you can eat them afterwards. You can probably fuck them too, if they are a few days old

I guess men could always record the sound of themselves crapping and use that as their ringtone? That would be HOT.

Yeah! And when people toot their horn at you, you want to stop the car, get out, grab a hammer and smack them over the head. Its in your American Constitution thingy. I promise.

You must also announce that you are in the elevator. To warn people. And then when you are actually cut off you should stand frozen like a dork until you make the walk of shame out of the elevator and re-dial the person you were talking to.

Where I live, they want to make the call, scratch for change, light a fag and wave to their mother. All at the same time. twats.

jungle jane said...

Lemme guess: you have a Mini horn as your ringtone and you only make calls when you are crapping? Am I right? Am I right??

Oh dear, you really need to relax and trust me. You will LOVE soho, barman. In fact I even have a double date lined up for Saturday night. Bring a plastic bag and three large feathers.

Paco Taco:
Do dogs attack you every time your phone rings??

Dude, my blog is included in the instruction manuals with all Nokias. Its true, I swear

You know I only live to serve others. That’s just me. Helpful.