01 May 2007

Ja ja

As y’all know, I am an international woman of mystery and a cultural icon to boot.

Having just spent the past 2 days in Frankfurt, I am happy to share with those less cultured than I what I have learned about Germany:

  1. There’s fuck all English in Germany! Everything is in fuckin’ German – I shit you not. Road signs? German. Menus? German! Even the fuckin’ newspapers are all in German. I mean seriously, what’s the point in a united Europe if these obscure foreign languages are still going to exist?
  2. There is no more Deutsch Mark – they just use those gay Euros
  3. There is fuck all fruit and vegetables in the whole of Germany. All there is to eat is meat and potato. And schitnzel. Not sure what a schnitzel actually is but it definitely didn’t taste like broccoli to me. I have no idea how Germans take a dump – my gut is so clogged up at the moment it feels like I swallowed a meat curtain.
  4. Germans don’t work on a Tuesday. I’m not fucking kidding – I woke up this morning armed with a credit card I stole from some dude on the plane and was intending to shop my tits off. Nothing was open! Instead, there was a large bicycle race through central Frankfurt and all the locals were pissed by 10am. I think this is a fantastic law and I am going to write to the British Prime Minister, George Bush, and suggest that England adopts the same laws, seeing us Poms run Europe.
  5. Even though a lap dance costs a hefty 20 gay Euros you still aren’t allowed to fondle the fraulein’s puppies

I suggest that you print this handy guide out in case you ever visit Germany. You will not be sorry.

Oh yeah…and another little tip – for fuck’s sakes don’t mention the war.

posted by jungle jane @ 7:52 pm |


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