As y’all know, I am an international woman of mystery and a cultural icon to boot.
Having just spent the past 2 days in Frankfurt, I am happy to share with those less cultured than I what I have learned about Germany:
- There’s fuck all English in Germany! Everything is in fuckin’ German – I shit you not. Road signs? German. Menus? German! Even the fuckin’ newspapers are all in German. I mean seriously, what’s the point in a united Europe if these obscure foreign languages are still going to exist?
- There is no more Deutsch Mark – they just use those gay Euros
- There is fuck all fruit and vegetables in the whole of Germany. All there is to eat is meat and potato. And schitnzel. Not sure what a schnitzel actually is but it definitely didn’t taste like broccoli to me. I have no idea how Germans take a dump – my gut is so clogged up at the moment it feels like I swallowed a meat curtain.
- Germans don’t work on a Tuesday. I’m not fucking kidding – I woke up this morning armed with a credit card I stole from some dude on the plane and was intending to shop my tits off. Nothing was open! Instead, there was a large bicycle race through central Frankfurt and all the locals were pissed by 10am. I think this is a fantastic law and I am going to write to the British Prime Minister, George Bush, and suggest that England adopts the same laws, seeing us Poms run Europe.
- Even though a lap dance costs a hefty 20 gay Euros you still aren’t allowed to fondle the fraulein’s puppies
I suggest that you print this handy guide out in case you ever visit Germany. You will not be sorry.
Oh yeah…and another little tip – for fuck’s sakes don’t mention the war.