01 May 2007

Ja ja

As y’all know, I am an international woman of mystery and a cultural icon to boot.

Having just spent the past 2 days in Frankfurt, I am happy to share with those less cultured than I what I have learned about Germany:

  1. There’s fuck all English in Germany! Everything is in fuckin’ German – I shit you not. Road signs? German. Menus? German! Even the fuckin’ newspapers are all in German. I mean seriously, what’s the point in a united Europe if these obscure foreign languages are still going to exist?
  2. There is no more Deutsch Mark – they just use those gay Euros
  3. There is fuck all fruit and vegetables in the whole of Germany. All there is to eat is meat and potato. And schitnzel. Not sure what a schnitzel actually is but it definitely didn’t taste like broccoli to me. I have no idea how Germans take a dump – my gut is so clogged up at the moment it feels like I swallowed a meat curtain.
  4. Germans don’t work on a Tuesday. I’m not fucking kidding – I woke up this morning armed with a credit card I stole from some dude on the plane and was intending to shop my tits off. Nothing was open! Instead, there was a large bicycle race through central Frankfurt and all the locals were pissed by 10am. I think this is a fantastic law and I am going to write to the British Prime Minister, George Bush, and suggest that England adopts the same laws, seeing us Poms run Europe.
  5. Even though a lap dance costs a hefty 20 gay Euros you still aren’t allowed to fondle the fraulein’s puppies

I suggest that you print this handy guide out in case you ever visit Germany. You will not be sorry.

Oh yeah…and another little tip – for fuck’s sakes don’t mention the war.

41 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

A woman called Jungle Jane shouldn't be wasting her time in Germany. The real jungle is in the Congo where I live. I can promise you fruit, veg and a baboon who'll suck your toes for breakfast.

jungle jane said...

I originally come from Zululand, Gorilla Bananas. We used to waste our time wrestling lions, smoking pot and sand-papering the soles of our feet. We used to think fondly of you Congo types as our slightly-girly-favorite-cousins...ahhhh the memories....

Gorilla Bananas said...

Lions? I suppose they're OK if you don't mind halitosis and getting your head chewed off. Personally, I prefer the company of my fellow primates. I have the orignal Maasai spear which buggered 43 lions in Kenya.

BEAST said...

HA HA HA I like the phrase shop my tits off.
I hate germans , big fat , insufferably arogant feckers with a penchant for wearing leather shorts and invading poland , brandishing an over stuffed aneamic sausage....arian c*nts.
You can see why I am Diversity Champion at work cant you

I fecking hate EVERYONE in equal measure :-)

Frobisher said...

Thanks for the post - I always wondered why there are no German restaurants.

they do have fat willies tho'

mutleythedog said...

For fruits, veggies etc in Frankfurt try the Kleinmarkthalle - excellent and largely run by Turks. Turkish people eat fresh stuff Ms JJ.

There are fests all the time in Germany - Frankfurt being half Catholic and half not gets the lot. Best life/work balance I ever had living in Frankfurt....

josh williams said...

I know some German here goes...Der left hand is fer wipin der stanky...

josh williams said...

I am shameless a public service annoucement visit my site to purchase Travels with Roscoe for only $4.00 with P&H however come cinco de mayo it raises in value to $5.00 or $cinco with S&H really nobody is making money until we make the movie deal...

Sausage said...

When I finally met my German pen-pal he showed me his armpits, explaining how clean he felt now that he shaves them, then tried to molest me.

Germans love David Hasselhoff.

ing said...

Perhaps the Germans need their Tuesdays off so they can spend the requisite time clearing their bowels. The olde-fashioned way.

Someone should teach them a little English. Particularly, the phrase "high colonics."

Just a thought.

jungle jane said...

Gorilla:
Lions don't chew people's heads off...they are simply misunderstood. Like that Van Gogh dude. They're just a bunch of pussies really

Beastie:
Germans are HOT, let me tell you. Smoking hot. All the dudes are entirely shaggable - I am considering moving to Germany immediately. I can always grow my own vegetables.

Frobie:
I'm not entirely sure if there are restuarants or not - everything is written in german. I did see lots of people eating sausages though - probably their desert. I am certain their knobs are larger than their frankfurters.

Mutley:
i loved Frankfurt very much - so much eye candy running around with those cute little accents. I did walk past the Kleinmarket on my way to the red light district. I didn't notice any vegetables - but that's probably because everything except the pubs were closed. It was tuesday, after all

Josh:
I will buy the book but I will only pay in Euros. And i'd like you to arrange a discount for me please on the grounds that i have nice tits. Thank you.

Sausage:
You should have done your penpal. I eventually had to close my eyes for a little while because my hormones were unable to cope with the totty overload. So many hot Germans.

Ing:
I am certain that tuesday's are national 'drinks loads of beer' day. I will have to google it. Germans are very tall and well built. I think its because they do not ablute. All those toilets over there are just for us visitors and our sissy digestive systems.

fingers said...

I read somewhere that lions can come 30 times a day.
Not with the same lioness though...

Tickersoid said...

Next time use the following phrase,

'Meine Staubsaugervergnügen ich.'

BEAST said...

Oh dear . JJ was certainly getting all 'hot around the gusset'.Good heavens woman you must have been sticking to your seat.

Adam said...

OK, so, lets get this straight...

Even for 20x1.7= $34AUD you still can't feel tits?

Did you tell 'em to get fucked and to give your 20x1.7 AUD back?

Fuggen krauts!

Winters said...

I heard (but too late) that it was a bit of a faux pas to dip your brotwurst in your beer.

~d said...

**lap dance question: NO one can fondle...or MEN are encouraged NOT to...
**Maybe you didn't have the right stripper! (smile)
I will dance for you and you may fondle the eff out of anything you want!

*Amy Winehouse, There are songs I like better-honest! But, I figured this one is headed for (not RADIO...but something)
Her old school tats are what drew me to her. I had NO CLUE she is so young!

~d heart Jane

Richardsite said...

Did ya discover Ich liebe dich means the waiters serve you real well?

Great if you're a woman who wants "service", not so hot when you're a guy and the waiter gives you his tip!!

zen wizard said...

My mother lives in Germany.

Could you visit her?

After the shock from that wears off, maybe she will quit complaining to me about my being single.

jungle jane said...

Fingers:
I am sure you would cum 30 times a day if you could lick your knob...

Tickers:
You bastard. You made me go translate that on Google. Leave my Hoover out of this, okay?

Beastie:
I didn't have my gusset on me twat - i was using it as a headband.

Adam:
I did tell them to go fuck themselves but they couldn't afford the 60 Euros they charge for a wank

Winters:
There's just no accounting for manners on the continent. I can only hope that the Swiss are more accommodating.

Tilde:
Fuck. I wasted my time! I could have spent those 20 Euros on a plane ticket to the USA! Dammit!

Amy is a bit cute even though her hair scares me. I love how she fucks up her makeup and never appears in public unless she is legless. She's pure fuckin' class.

Richard:
I did seem to spend much of my time with a sausage in my mouth. Blimey, that sauerkraut dribbling off the end of them is an acquired taste...

Zen:
Does your mum drink beer at 10am? If so, hook us up. I can take her for a spin around town. She'll like that. She'd probably want you to marry me...

Richardsite said...

lol! i'll never understand the female of the species - why have sauerkraut when you could have Sweet William or Spotted Dick? (I can explain those spots..... ;)

Newmania said...

Wow JJ do you really fondle the breasts of other women ? In the spirit of scientific enquiry would you please enlighten me further as to your lazy afternoons of absinthe soaked saphic delight ?

Basically what I `m saying is ...can I watch...seriously can I ?

Should you ever come to London Town allow nme to recommend ...

1 Aphrodite - Classy , pricey but cuties at your beck and call...no fondling

2 Capricorn- A London institution of low life demo monde sexuality. The spectrum escort , lap dancer , trick is blurred on the premises , its cheap and their are dark corners and you can have what you want

...from what I recall years ago before I was married that is...

josh williams said...

Jane send the publisher a picture of your breates's and his wife may become disturbed. However he may slip it past her and then forward the pic to me! However if he becomes a puritan $4.95 with S&H for a classic first edition. Not to mention that I wrote About the Author...never mention this, I am humble, very humble kinda like some sort of Dali Lama, yep thats me humble, but let me tell you hauling around 30lbs of tackle, it takes some character to be humble.

wallycrawler said...

Fuck I'll never go to Germany . too many unwashed "geniuses" . Smug pretentious boars . They fuck'n cut in line at "Disney" too !

Just send over the cars and the beer . On second thought I'll just drink Scotch and drive a Cadillac . Nevermind .

~d said...

come to me...

zen wizard said...

In justification for the Teutonic tradition of drinking beer before 10 a.m., it is my understanding that if you drink German tap water, you will get a condition that makes Montezuma's revenge look like a mild allergy.

jungle jane said...

Richard:
There is no spotted dick in germany. that's because spotted dick is made with raisens and they don't have fruit in germany.

Newmania:
Thank you for doing such painstaking research in order to educate and inform. As i live in London Town i will be able to verify your findings and report back. Capricorn sounds classier - i can be doing with all this 'no fondle' crap.

Josh:
I've sent a picture of my twat. just to be sure, like. And $4,000,000. I hope that covers costs. I don't like to be seen as frugal.


Wallyyyyy:
there is more to germany than cars. they have hot men and sausage too. You should move there Wally. You'd love it.

Tilde:
Have passport. Packed bag. Duty frees. I'm on my way...

Zen:
you should stop drinking water from the loo. That's the type of behaviour i expect from Bavarians - wrong country my friend.

BEAST said...

I put out for a bag of chips.
Hows that for humble Mr Josh.

jungle jane said...

*steals a handful of Beastie's chips while he's not looking and thinks "cheap slut"*

Die Muräne said...

You know why the Germans look so hot and handsome? It's because we swiss dudes trow our used condoms over the border!!
Watch out, maybe you'll find one too!

Die Muräne said...

You come closer and closer ;9

scares me a bit...

tony said...

Ah Germany! Those Germans walk around as if they own the Place!:)
I dont know Germany that well.Usually somewhere i pass through en route to Family in Poland.Yea,ciggies are cheap! Where you off next? Barca was good (although the weather was shit this time)

paddy said...

I fucking well, fucking will, fucking not mention the war. Sorry!
Y:-) Paddy

wallycrawler said...

Hawt men and sausage !?

I'm in !!!

I'll be there in about a week . I wont shower bath or wash to fit in ta the culture .

jungle jane said...

Die Murane:
i am getting closer...one step at a time...you should lock up your windows and doors...

Tony:
Next stop is Manchester. I need to stock up on some cheap crack.

jungle jane said...

Paddy:
Fuck. I love your blog. I may stalk you a bit.

Wallyyyyy:
dude. i dunno what this word 'bath' means. is it drugs? if so...bring them...

Mongrel Porksword said...

I was banging this German chick in the butt awhile back, and she kept saying, "Ja! Ja!"

jungle jane said...

Porksword:
you sure she wasn't yelling 'ha ha'??

Erin O'Brien said...

Regarding #3, why not eat a German?

jungle jane said...

Erin:
I intend returning to Germany for some sex tourism. There will be plenty of german sausage on the menu, I assure you...

PDD said...

I've gotta get back to posting on blogger. You are just too fucking hilarious!