04 June 2007

Cycling

Although cycling is a healthy pursuit that keeps the youth off the streets it seems to me that our country is drowning in a sea of these childish, flimsy appliances bearing huffy types nodding at each other politely. All that yapping on about the environment blah blah makes me want to kick their carbon asses with my carbon footprint.

I’m not sure what it is these folk learn when they take their driving tests, but the highway code does not seem to be terribly significant. Cyclists seem to view traffic lights and pedestrian crossings as suggestions, and the only hand signal I've ever seen them use involves their middle finger or a shaking fist.

Cyclists do not pay road taxes yet ironically they seem to think that they are still legally allowed to ride on the streets. It seems to me that we would all be a heck of a lot safer if they stuck to riding on pavements. Indeed I have recently been re-training my dog to ignore old people and start chasing cyclists instead. I’m sure we all agree that the pavements are far safer for my dog than the road.

I don’t actually know anyone who rides a bicycle but I am sure that if I did I wouldn’t like them. My friends do not tuck their pants into their socks and none of them would forgo the purchase of a sofa in order to save the space in the lounge room for their bicycle. What type of human being hits the tar at 25mph and immediately leaps up to make sure that their bike is okay? These folk enjoy being knocked over by trucks – they view it as an opportunity to upgrade their accessories.

So what to do about the bicycle problem? Nothing, people! That is why busses were invented.

I am done with cycling now. I feel quite exhausted.

65 comments:

Convict said...

I think you'd change your mind if you were bought this bike.

RAFFI said...

convict, your bike should be patented. i've made a horse saddle that embellishes on the same principle. jane, bikers would actually be safer in the pavement, with a bus imprinting them into the tar. amsterdam was a great place to see people who love biking to get around but could care less about their bikes. oh yeah, jj, you're sick....just to remind you.

egan said...

Um, I ride a bike and I make it a habit of tucking my trousers into my socks. I like to spit on cars too.

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

I HATE cyclists.

Keep wanting to drive up behind them and tip them off.

CityUnslicker said...

Cyclists are annoying but I hate motorcyslist even more.

Still, send em back to china where they came from...the bikes that is!

First Nations said...

in the interests of maintaining a pun-free comments lounge i shall refrain form making any clever comments about red bicycles etcetera.
otherwise yes, bicyclists only serve to make an amusingly clothed moving practice target for paintballers.
which is how it should be, actually.

zen wizard said...

The only good thing about cyclists is that women never have sex with them, so unless they pedal their little bicycle to the sperm bank, their gene pool will not be continued past their (hopefully short) existence.

Well, okay, Lance Armstrong gets laid, but in his case it's like Russian roulette with two chambers, if you get my drift. And I don't think he can make Matthew McConnaghey pregnant, anyway.

I don't think even hookers will "do" Floyd Landis at this point.

DirtyBitchSociety said...

I hadn't thought of it Jane but you're right...bikes don't pay for road tax and yet they are to share the road. We must be mindful of some dumb fuck, holding up traffic. Now, there'd not be so many fumes if these assholes got off the road and we could hurry up and get where we're going. It's all their fault. I think I need to get my Taser out and teach 'em all a fuckin lesson. bastards, dirty bastards.

fingers said...

I taught my dog to chase cyclists too, Jane.
When he was a puppy I used to jack his little pink-on until he was nearly coming, then I'd stop and hit him over the head with a bicycle pump.
Just the merest glimpse of a spoke sends him into a homicidal rage these days...

barman said...

JJ, surely you can not hold anything against this cyclist?

I hear you however. They think they own the road. Don't they know that all it takes is one light hit from a car and they can kiss their life goodbye?

jungle jane said...

convict
You are right. I am going to become a cyclist. My word – who would have thought that the two-wheeled-nerds were quite so sexual??

Raffi
I find Amsterdam far more remarkable for its sweet sweet pot and reasonably priced tarts. I never noticed the bicycles – probably because I was stoned and concentrating on haggling with Miss Whippy for a 3 hour session

Egan
You are a cyclist? Good grief! That I didn’t know. That’s quite funny – next you will tell me that you like swimming too?

Ingsoc
Don’t let me stop you please. But hang it all – why stop at cyclists? How about pedestrians that walk too slowly and old people on mobility vehicles? Fuck the lot of them. Bastards.

cityunslicker
I ride a Honda CBR 600 and let me tell you, my fine machine is not a shitty piece of tin made in china, oh no. its pure Korean. Am I okay to live then?

jungle jane said...

FN
God don’t start me on their clothing. What a bunch of poons. They clearly strived to assemble themselves in as much unattractive clothing as possible. No wonder they never get laid (see Zen comment). Cycle short? Bleeeegh. Cycling hats? Bleeeegh. Stinking sweating cycling gloves? Bleeeeeegh. I rest my case.

Zen
Yes – that’s the other way to rid ourselves of these people. Good thinking. Let them simply become extinct. I do fear, however, that cyclists fuck other cyclists, god help us. Which means these breed of folk our now becoming interbred. In fact their babies are now being born with only one testicle. Creepy.

dirtybitch
My point exactly – these people are contributing the fucking great big hole in the ozone layer. They are BAD for the environment. Bastards.

fingers
Well done you – see there are no bad dogs, only bad dog owners. You have trained yours beautifully and more people should take a leaf out of your book. The same goes for bicycles. There are no bad bikes – just bad bike owners. You never hear a bike whining – unless there is something really really wrong.

Barman
Now that is a wonderful example of these awful creatures. That one is so fucking stupid that he doesn’t even know that riding side saddle is for girls. I give up with this lot – they are all just naturally fucking ridiculous.

Tickersoid said...

Car hits cyclist on road.
Result, probably fatal.

Cyclist hits pedestrian on pavement.
Result, minor injury.

So why hasn't the law been changed.

We changed the law against magic mushrooms even though there wasn't a single incident which suggested this was neccessary.

Chris said...

Here is a tip, if your windscreen washer nozzles can turn, point it out towards the pavement, thus allowing you to drive up alongside an unsuspecting cyclist and spray them with your screen wash, this normally causes them to fall off and end up as an ignoble heap at the side of the road :)

BEAST said...

I ride me bike in and out of work , I dont tuck anything in me socks , as I wear as little as possible to allow EVERYONE to get a tantalising glimpse of my body.
All this ensures I have thighs that look like they have been carved from marble and I can also indulge in a little light saddle sniffing in the company bike sheds.
Its all good people

DirtyBitchSociety said...

I just love Chris' idea, maybe fill up the washer well with bleach, now that'd be some funny shit, huh?
Maybe Beast will choose to come back, in the next life, as a woman's bike seat, huh?

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Where's Pixie? Did she pack it up and go on the road, searching for booty and plunder and all that fun stuff?

wallycrawler said...

I have a confession to make Double J .

I like ta smell bike seats !

Shhhhh...

jungle jane said...

tickers
Yes my point exactly. And while we are lawmaking, I suggest we write to our MP suggesting that cyclists can take ‘shrooms. Politicians love bicycles – they are forever trying to endorse them without having to ride them.

Chris
Bloody great idea! You should have a blog you know. You are clearly a very bright person. I also like the idea of adding bleach – it would be like rubbing salt into the wound, just a bit more bleachy

Beastie
That sounds so awfully arousing. You should wear cycle shorts – women like that. And mebbe you and Wallycrawler can hook up for some manly seat-sniffing fun? Just don’t start sniffing your own saddle – that would be weird,

DBS
Pixie is dead – she died yesterday. She was hit by a cyclist and suffered such terrible wounds I had to have her life support shut off. Oh well – no sense crying over spilt milk, eh? She was a lazy little bugger in life anyhow

Wally
My word that’s a bit gay. Unless of course you only sniff female bike seats??

Sterculian Rhetoric said...

On Pee-Girl's blog you intoned:

"...I also run my finger over the top of public toilet and lick that too. i once even got a buzz out of it. ..."

If you are interested, I can tell you what the chemical was. I'll need to know which state you were in though. There be geographic variation.

~Babsbitchin~ said...

Dammit, we were just getting to know each other too. I was going to invite her over for drinks and naked twister. So, will you have her made in to a Diamond?

Chris said...

Why thank you Jungle Jane, funny you should mention starting a blog, I have been toying with the idea for some time. I think that I may just do that :).

Ratty. said...

Did you know the Japanese invaded Singapore on bicycles? If we had taken the opportunity to loosen their wheel nuts, victory would have been ours.

Jenny! said...

I just saw one of those cycling cunts get hit by a Jeep...it was quite fantastic karma as he was not obeying the traffic lights!

Henri Banks said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Henri Banks said...

i had the same bike idea like convict damn i was late this time !!!

egan said...

I like swimming too and running is kind of fun. Do you like running Jane?

Gorilla Bananas said...

Only women should be allowed to have cycles. They get something hard between their legs and it does wonders for the firmness of their butts. Most human females have piss poor arses. I'd never sink my teeth into anything that wobbly. When was the last time you had your arse chewed out, JJ?

EBEZP said...

Yeah to the anti cyclists, nive one jj.

jungle jane said...

sterculian rhetoric
Ohhhhh I bet it was cleaning fluid. I have licked toilets all over the world, but only got high from one in Australia. Those crazy Aussies, eh?

babs
I’m going to melt her down and turn her into a coaster. I’m glad that she’s gone quite frankly. Parenthood really cramped my style.

Chris
Woooohooo I got to bust your comment cherry! I will be happy for the rest of the day!

Ratty
Fuck really? That’s a great idea – I’m going to write to that John Major chappie and suggests the next time he declares a war, he sends them in on Heelys.

Jenny!
Oh wow man you should have taken a video on your phone camera. Dude, we could have put it up on our blogs

Henri
You can invent me a new one, just with an extra fist for the rear entrance

Egan
Dude don’t be ridiculous. What on earth would I know about such things?? Shees – you obviously don’t know me very well then…

GB
If I glued a bit of my flokati carpet to my arse would you find that attractive? It’s been a while since I had my arse chewed out – I think it might have been last year when I seduced the chick who changes the sanitary bins at work??

jungle jane said...

Ebezp
They are swine. Fuck the lot of them.

Bugwit said...

Hmm could've sworn I left a comment lying around here. Those dirty Blogger bastards probably stole it.

I think it had to do with the thought of you and Pixie hanging around on street corners, cramming sticks into the spokes of passing cyclists.

If you ever decide to do that, do it in front of Harrod's. Stupid biker nearly ran me over there.

Sterculian Rhetoric said...

Australia?
A Cane toad!
Some are toilet trained.
By New Zealanders apparently.
Couldn't be cleaing fluid, as everyone knows public toilets are never cleaned.
Tell us, have you licked the 'Squat Toilets" one finds in Asia?

Toby said...

According to this chick no extra apparatus is necessary.

I like your "four words."

Frobisher said...

my saddle fell off . . . I never noticed, even on the cobbled streets

Flyinfox_SATX said...

I wonder what it is truly like in China. I understand that the most popular mode of transportation there is a Bike!

Flyinfox_SATX

Captain Smack said...

You should move to the States, Jane. Here we just run right over the sweaty little bastards in our giant SUVs. And then we bill them for any damages they may have caused to our bumpers.

mutleythedog said...

Nude cycling should be encouraged!!

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

I do like bikes though.

I'll always buy them drinks.

Mongrel Porksword said...

Riding a bike hurts my balls.

Sausage said...

So, am I still cool if I only tuck my cuff when riding my stationary bike?

morbid misanthrope said...

Bikes are for idiots. All the cool kids use snakeboards.

ARM said...

I can't think of anything to respond to on this post for there is no nakedness. I don't know what to do with myself. That biker doesn't do anything for me.

With that said, I love biking, but I hate bikers who ride on the street and won't get the fuck out of the way when I'm coming up behind them. Get on the bike path, asshat!

jungle jane said...

Bugwit
It was the Russians. They stole your comment. You are lucky they didn’t poison you afterwards. Russians hang out in Kensington, which is why you nearly got killed there. See – there is a simple explanation in life for everything.

sterculian rhetoric
Performing a crap in Australia is also known as ‘giving birth to a New Zealander’. I strongly suspect that those cane toads you speak of are not in fact toads – they are just ugly New Zealanders. I have licked Asian toilets, but that was for a sexual thrill – another matter entirely

Toby
Oh lordy me, where do you find this stuff? Little Miss Butter Wouldn’t Melt In Her Mouth is just the type of cyclist I would set my dog on. I think she wants to remember that young children cycle and there is no need to orgasm every time you sit down. Unless its on the washing machine or course or a fast moving train.

Frobi
My word, is your bike now embedded in your arse? That must make it hard getting in and out of lifts?


Flyinfox
No wonder they are so backwards in China! This explains it all! Blimey – they don’t even have television in China, you know – but they do have bicycles? It’s a fucked up world we live in, eh?

Captain Smack
Yeah baby! That’s the type of attitude I like! I mean its not as if you sent your dudes into Iraq in armoured…bicycles…innit? Of course you could always get bull bars for your vehicles. Those are especially safe for bumping into the elderly and children

jungle jane said...

Mutley
Don’t you think that cycling nude with just a silly helmet would look silly? Or are you (gasp) suggesting that nude cyclists do not wear the fetching headgear either??

Ingsoc
Wow – and do they thank you by having sex with you? Next time just piss in their glass. They will think its expensive white wine, and you will get laid for free

Porkie
Try wearing pants when you ride, dear. I think Lance Armstrong could relate to you though – look at what riding a bike did to his balls

Sausage
You would be cool even if you painted your bike pink and called yourself Martha. Indeed you would probably start a fashion if you did so. I have never seen you make a social faux pas yet. You should contact Bicycle Weekly, Sausage – I know they would love to have you on the cover of their summer edition.

Morbid
Yeah exactly. Bicycles are dangerous – period. I think the government should give all kids snakeboards, skateboard and snowboards for free. To teach them about balance and co-ordination.

ARM
You should get a foghorn for your car, ARM. Ride up behind them and scare the crap out of them, the bunch of sissies…

Martha said...

Eh? I dunno.

Bugwit said...

Fucking Russians. Stole my comment and tried to assasinate me for buying overpriced crap at the Mecca of capitalism, from the father of the last man to soil Lady Di.

Oh my god! Do you think The Queen is mixed up in this?

ChickyBabe said...

They're good to perve at, but only when they're in bike lanes. You've lived in Sydney. Bikers who ride along Cleveland ST in peak hour traffic should be lined up and shot!

Denny Shane said...

What is this nonsense? I only came with the previous picture of you licking your pussy.

Sterculian Rhetoric said...

"...they are just ugly New Zealanders. I have licked Asian toilets, but that was for a sexual thrill – another matter entirely..."

Au contraire my little poppet, those be the beautiful Kiwis. 'Tis known as "tossing a caber" in my corner of the globe. Finding a 'corner' on an Euclidean sphere is no mean feat either.
A sexual thrill? You being a gingeresque flappy gee, I've no doubt.

zen wizard said...

They should start a new brand of bicycles called "Uniball"!!

Lance would probably sue, though.

"Cyclops"? Not obvious enough..."Gonad" would have the word, "Go" in it, so that would be cool...

Denny Shane said...

I swore I left a comment here!

Toby said...

It happened today just like almost every other day during the warm seasons, some ass on a motorcycle was tailgating me. I wanted so bad to slam on my breaks, but I didn't have a video cam with me.

awaiting said...

I used to ride a bike.

But that was before the internet and before I became a fat lazy slob who like to stay in bed and drink beer.

But don't tell anyone.

Let's pretend for sake, I am going biking tomorrow's eve.

Yes, that makes me feel quite productive indeed.

jungle jane said...

Martha
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Love the new look – those training wheels are real cute. Like a clit ring for bicycle wheels

Bug
Well you are cleaning rolling in the world of high living folk. Nothing would surprise me – the queen had the queen mother murdered, so why not you?

Chickybabe
Its worse in Australia – they wear lycra too. Some of them even wear lycra as leisurewear. This is the primary reason I left the country – the cyclists drove me out. Haha. I said ‘drive’. Ha ha

Denny
The next post will return to familiar territory, Denny. I will not let you down.

Zen
I love that! But let’s go edgy – fuck the lawsuit – we’ll just call it the Lance Nut.

sterculian rhetoric
I am glad that new Zealanders are not birthed in toilets then. I would feel guilty every time I took a dump.

Denny
You did leave a comment – no need to swear!

Toby
Fuck – that’s what is known as a ‘missed opportunity’. You were robbed!

Awaiiiiitttttinnnng!
Welcome back! And yes – lets keep pretending about the biking thing. Personally I am going to start walking around telling peeps that I am a champion athlete. Then I will never have to change out of my tracksuit pants again. Cool.

matty said...

I'm a very good bike rider and observe all traffic rules when it comes to pedestrians and cars!

...well, probably not true.

but i've great fun riding my bike.

...that is when I'm not too lazy to drag it down the stairs and ride up all these hills. ...as of late, I'm far too lazy to be bothered. And I HATE that stupid hat that B and Ing make me wear! Like an insect sucking out my brain matter --- AND it messes my hair. ...what little I still have!

Chris said...

Hi all, that guy is at it again, check out this link, why oh why do men, out themselves through this.

http://peterhitchens.blogspot.com/

brookelina said...

My name is Brooke and I am a bicycle rider.

Bugwit said...

Yup. That has to be it. I must have lingered too long at the 'Dodi & Di 2-gether 4-ever' shrine in the entrance.

The Queen's spies are everywhere.

BTW: Helen Mirren? Good as dead..

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

JJ- Very rarely actually.
Something about the pump not being up to the job, they said.

Whatever that means.

RAFFI said...

okay, i'm sick of seeing this douche cunt on the bike.... can we move on, please?!

jungle jane said...

matty
Oh no! you must get rid of the bike immediately – get a skateboard, matty – they are all the rage. Your sex life will improve too – trust me. You can turn that silly hat into a plant pot holder.

Chris
I went there and saw knobs and now I go back and its gone. Poof. Vanished.

Brookelina
You can get treatment for that. Oath. Just go to your doctor and tell him you need some meds to make you more cool. Then come back and thank me.

Bug
If they kill off Helen Mirren, I wonder if the queen would volunteer to play her in a movie?

Ingsoc
Oh it sounds like bicycle talk to me. Ignore it – they are gagging for it, I tell you.

Raffi
Your wish is my command, sir. Let me quickly rustle something up for you

mutleythedog said...

Brookelina sounds like a fun girl - why did you tease her...? Why?

barman said...

Yes it was a Meme ... you did not run far enough or fast enough.

Don't worry, it was be replaced in a few hours. Not sure it will be much better.

R2K said...

: )