17 June 2007

Happy Fathers Day

I’m so fucking tired of the lack of pornography on the internet. It’s hardly as if I'm into anything weird like, it’s just that the internet is completely fucking crap.

As a public service and a gesture of goodwill on Father’s Day I hope you enjoy my humble offering of erotic art. I’m nice like that – always looking out for my fellow human beings. At least now you won’t have to spend your entire week trawling about the internets for stimulation yourselves, innit?

Gimps


Sexier than sex itself, the most satisfying site on the whole of the interweb is of course gimpsgonewild.com, your one-stop-shop for disabled material. Oh, the money I spend there! More than just your usual old Cerebral Palsy offering, here you will find amputees (sub categories disease, trauma and tumours), Arthrogryposis sufferers and even nekkie Spina Bifida totty. Go there now. With your credit card. You won’t regret it.

Granny porn

Now I am not sure what is worse – walking in on your grandparents having sex or them walking in on you. Either way, if you are curious to know what the aged get up during retirement, there is plenty of erotic material available on grannysex.com (most of the snatch looks a bit like tanned leather, but it’s amazing how horny some of those senile dementia chicks are) and of course in the bible. Sorry, I can’t be arsed to look up exactly where it is in the bible but it's bound to be there somewhere.

Junkie love


Don’t try this at home, kids. Your dad will not be happy if you burn his car out. Perfect for junkies who get a boner at the sight of all that chrystal meth and don't mind having to dispose of the occassional overdose victim.

Maggot sex

Oh, how I long to have a penis! I have vowed to myself that my next boyfriend must own a maggot farm – if I can’t dip my own non-existent knob in a vat full of crawlies I am sure that the man of my dreams can. Hopefully he will pay careful attention to foreskin hygiene – imagine how hilarious it would be if he didn’t clean properly and hatched a batch of fruit flies?
.

50 comments:

mutleythedog said...

Ms JJ ?-you left your moleskin trousers in the porch... I am assuming you will need them for the polo Match on Tuesday? I have asked Bunty to bring them in the Range Rover.. as I have to pop in on the Curate for tea and to collect a parcel for Grand Mama - Iamy be late and what wouldyou do without your gear???? Guffaw Guffaw!!

See you drinkies winkes after if not during!!

garfer said...

Thanks for that last pair of photos.

I almost barfed up my roast beef.

jungle jane said...

Mutley
Oh fuck, i am a jellyhead when i've had too many Pimms! Thanks Mutley, can you ask Arabella to send my gold headscarf with Bunty at the same time? I've just got to pop out for a quick fox hunt and won't have time to stop by before high tea.

You are such a good chap!

Garfer
Hmmmm...barf porn. I never considered that. Would you pose for me? I'll supply the maggots, you supply the roast beef??

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Each to their own, I suppose.

I think you need more interracial gangbangs myself.
Midgets, grannys, Maggots not quite my thing.

Old Knudsen said...

A midget granny crawling with maggots sounds hot.

jungle jane said...

Ingsoc
How about interacial gangbangs with maggots and grannies? Meet me halfway here, man

Knudson
I'll get right onto it. I'll see if i can find a plump one. Plump midgets remind me of christmas turkey. yummm...

DirtyBitchSociety said...

I think Knudsen's onto something. Oooh, that makes me hot, just thinking about...hot flash maybe? I do love a nice midget. They're just the right height, you know?

~d said...

(speechless)
*no worries, I will be back!
you can count on it!

jungle jane said...

DBS
Yeah i'm totally down with that too. I've got a message out to all my midget mates - i'll provide the maggots if they bring their own beer. this could be hot.

Tildy
Speechless? Ha! I knew i could arouse the masses with one small blog post! Which one in particular has aroused you?

Erin O'Brien said...

I want a naked granny Pez dispenser.

Bugwit said...

Man, that asian granny was able to pull some hot young stud.

The other one was thinks she's at a nudist taffy pull.

Bugwit said...

By the way, I don't like that guy's peircing. That's just gross.

ARM said...

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Nope, I for sure threw up in my mouth.

You do not disappoint, dearest Jane.

josh williams said...

Curious, did you ever watch Capatain Kangaroo in the UK? Great stuff. Thanks for the post, reminds me of my childhood. JW

matty said...

ohmigod!ohmigod!ohmigod!ohmigod!ohmigod!ohmigod!
ohmigod!ohmigod!ohmigod!ohmigod!
ohmigod!ohmigod!ohmigod!ohmigod!
ohmigod!ohmigod!ohmigod!ohmigod!
ohmigod!ohmigod!ohmigod!ohmigod!
ohmigod!ohmigod!ohmigod!ohmigod!
ohmigod!ohmigod!ohmigod!ohmigod!
ohmigod!ohmigod!

...who gave you that picture of me with my Granny!?!?!?

Gorilla Bananas said...

Maggots are quite a tasty delicacy, but they don't grow fat if you feed them on dick. It's too salty for them.

BEAST said...

The welfare state ....harumph.
I have to work my as off to pay all those pensions and benefits , and they just grab the money to buy bucket loads of lube , nipple clamps ,werthers originals, leopard skin thongs and spend their time going to tea dances and shagging.
I cant wait to retire

jungle jane said...

Erin
Pez porn? My word, the stuff you housewives dream up! Right-ho, lemme see what I can find. I can’t guarantee that their twiggy little bones won’t snap off when dispensing them though

Bug
I like how the Asian granny kept her necklace on. It must be irony – wearing a pearl necklace when you are about to get a pearl necklace.

I like the piercing – I much prefer rings to baubles….

ARM
Was it something you ate? Oh dear, why don’t you lie down and I will make you a nice cup of tea. I have a few nice magazines you can flick through while you are resting

Josh
I like to think that my blog also promotes warm relationships between children and their grandparents. That’s what I’m all about – bridging the generation gap.

Matty
The lord works in mysterious ways. Actually it was quite simple – you know that webcam I installed in your bedroom that time? well its still streaming live on the internet right now. Wait til your granny sees what you’ve been getting up with yer granddad. Family Christmases will never be the same.

GB
Well yes, but these are the Lite version for fatties wanting to slim down. Sort of like a low-fat version. Stick with me, GB. We’ll have you shedding those unwanted pounds in no time at all

Beastie
You forgot adult diapers – you need them heaps too as an oldie. I guess that’s due to leaky bowels from all that ass fucking. I might write a blog about it actually – “anal loving for over 80’s” it will be called.

Ratty. said...

All joking aside, I bet that old girl with TB. is a right good fuck.. You can see it in her eyes.

Sterculian Rhetoric said...

As an afficiandao of thalidomide stump sucking, I have come to accept that we will never be feted with our own web site.

Your gold headscarf? Hermes?

Captain Smack said...

Call me old fashioned, Jane, but I like a little romance in my maggot porn. I mean, sure, maggots are hot, but I need a good plot to sink my teeth into.

Gledwood said...

JJJane this is seriously unpleasant ... ukk

Saw your read-haired appearance at Raffi's blog I seconded your remark doesn't he ever indulge in a nice cup of tea. Tea is superior. Tea is English. I am English. English things are superior. Are you English? I've not looked at your profile. In fact I'm scared to look now in case of what I might FIND there!!

Anyway my darling I just wanted to say hi while I was passing. I'm at http://gledwood2.blogspot.com you must drop by sometime - read my daily confessional "journal" ... hope to hear from you soon

take it EZ

&
all the best
from
Gledwood
"vol 2" ...

Butchieboy said...

Gimps gone wild has this guy with flipper baby arms. He's awesome.

jungle jane said...

Ratty
This is the beauty of age and experience. She’d be even more awesome if she took her false teeth out.

Sterculian
Did you hear about the Thalidomide porn star? He has an arm the size of a babys cock

Smack
Yeah right – next you are going to tell me that you only buy Maggot Sluts Monthly for the articles??

Gledwood
I love your journal! Everyone should read it! I am not sure I agree that my content is “unpleasant” though. I would more say its “arousing”. Give it another look – you know you want to

Butchie
Yeah he’s totally hot. I bet he can do some awesome tricks with a beachball on his nose

RAFFI said...

there should be some kinda 'legion of porn' with gimps, junkies, maggot fckrs and the like all united as one. what kinda world do we live in where there needs to be a divide.... power to the people!

RAFFI said...

btw jj, did i ever tell you you're sick

La Muck said...

I just did a sick on my keyboard.

I applaud your genorosity!

morbid misanthrope said...

I think you've convinced me to cancel my internets.

Jenny! said...

Old shriveld tits are so in right now! Everyone should get some! Could you imagine trying to titifuck those???

tony said...

Love Those Maggots!
Be Great If I was Fly Fishing!I could have a wank & catch a Carp all at the same time!

Ratty. said...

Jenny.
Could you imagine trying to titifuck those???

What I like about you American girls is that you are direct and to the point. However if you should ever find yourself at Windsor Castle please refer to it as a Tit Role. That way nobody will spit their sherry down their dress.

Sterculian Rhetoric said...

jenny! - do not listen to the rodential one. Though it is tragic that you should find yourself to be an American, you are excused for not having known of the antediluvian 'tit fallacy'. A 'tit' is many things, but it is not a lactating organ. The lactating organ being known by the homophonic 'teat'.
The rodential one has no excuse for not having known this. The OED my friend. It is all that keeps us safe from the Chavs and the inhabitants of the revolted colonies.

jungle jane said...

Raffi
I’m not sick, I’m here to help you explore your sexuality. I will start the Legion. What shall we name it? How about the Raffi Club? You can be president and get all sorts of perks and kickbacks?

Muck
Manners, lady. I provide entertainment for you and you vomit on it?

p.s. was it the maggots or the junkie??

Morbid
Good idea Morbid. The itnernets are a waste of time – full of Christian crap and evangelists. Even email is a waste of time – if I get ANOTHER spam mail asking me if I want to increase the size of my bible I am going to throw my internets machine in the bin.

Jenny!
Why I never thought of that! silly me! Here I was wondering if she’d be up for a nice fisting!

Tony
That's a fucking great idea. Maybe you could just dip your knob in the lake once you're done jerking off and save yourself having to use a fishing rod at all?

Ratty
I reckon we should hook Jenny up with the Queen for a tit roll! Let’s do it! We can film it for my blog!

Sterculian
Fuck. Are you sure about that? if so, does the Queen have teats? I’m just trying to hook something up with the Palace at the moment and I’d hate to ask Ma’am for a tit roll with Jenny when I fact I should be arranging for a teat roll. You know what Chavs are like with protocol…

mutleythedog said...

Of course dahhhling! No problem - did you hear the gardener has some kind of maggot infestation? Mummy sacked him as soon as she heard.. Can't have the peasants walking around breeding flies can we...

jungle jane said...

It was just Tony going fishing, Mutley...

Tickersoid said...

I visited here, expecting high culture and class.

Can't think why.

The maggot pictures made my day, I now have a new hobbie.

matty said...

well, family christmas was meant for orgies. in fact, nothing says "happy christmas" like a blow job from Grandad without his dentures!

...now, where did i lock up my gimp?

ChickyBabe said...

Now where are the beer goggles to cover up all this?

RAFFI said...

the raffi club? has a nice ring to it. and not only would i be the president, but also a client. i would expect stock options as well as executive quarters with access to every species copulation is possible with. however, i would require larger, slimier flesh-eating maggots, junkies with no teeth, geriatric populations with severe tremulousness, and gimps with additional appendages.

Chris said...

I must say JJ, that not only do I find it rather sickening, I also find it strangely erotic to. I need to get out more.

Sterculian Rhetoric said...

I am quite sure, my little poppet.
As is the standard protocol for the Royals of all lands; they travel in pairs. HRH Elizabeth II, Dei Gratia Regina, is blessed with two. One is a Saxe-Coburg-Gotha and the other a Windsor.
And the sun never sets upon them. Unlike the Empire.

BEAST said...

This is just another wizard wheeze to bring up knob cheese again isnt it

**Big Sigh***
For the last time
I HAVE NOT GOT A CHEESEY KNOB

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Midgets...salsa...margaritas and you've got yourself a swinging gig. Fuck the taco chips, I've got the tuna taco. Boy was that crude, huh? But it's happy hour and I'm knee deep in the Jungle Jims of Long Island...half drunk already.

jungle jane said...

Tickers
Fuck. This is not a brothel. High culture an class? HAHHAHAHAHA!

You should get some maggots. They are really very cute.

Matty
Clearly you have never tried inserting your knob into a nice warm Christmas pudding?

chickybabe
Huh? But…but…I have provided stimulation. Surely you want to be sober to view it??

Raffi
Okay now that is just greedy. Here’s the deal: you get a posh title, the sexiest maggots of the bunch and amputees. That’s my final offer. Think about it Raffi – seriously dude – this is not a charity.

Chris
I’m not following you. Which bit is sickening? I thought I threw in a mix that would appeal to everyone??

Sterculian
Thank gawd I have you as my social secretary. God, I was on the verge of not only a major social gaffe, but potentially I could have sparked a world war. I thank you. And the sun.

Beastie
Beastie I know sweetie – its not cheese, its dead maggots.

DBS
OMG I am glad you reminded me – I totally forgot the midgets. Good call, DBS…lemme pour you a drink.

Flyinfox_SATX said...

Man! Those Granny's are hot! I wonder how dry it is up there...

Flyinfox_SATX

Chris said...

It's the maggots that got me JJ, the rest was fine :)

jungle jane said...

Flyinfox:
Dry as a nun’s cunt, I would say

Chris:
Oh. Fuck. I found them quite arousing.

*shrugs*

Toby said...

Nothing like a live festering to tickle your fanny.

Ms Smack said...

BARF! great pics Jane. Classy surfing. Nice work.

Mongrel Porksword said...

I wouldn't do any of those chix.

Even I have my limits.