I’m so fucking tired of the lack of pornography on the internet. It’s hardly as if I'm into anything weird like, it’s just that the internet is completely fucking crap.
As a public service and a gesture of goodwill on Father’s Day I hope you enjoy my humble offering of erotic art. I’m nice like that – always looking out for my fellow human beings. At least now you won’t have to spend your entire week trawling about the internets for stimulation yourselves, innit?
Sexier than sex itself, the most satisfying site on the whole of the interweb is of course gimpsgonewild.com, your one-stop-shop for disabled material. Oh, the money I spend there! More than just your usual old Cerebral Palsy offering, here you will find amputees (sub categories disease, trauma and tumours), Arthrogryposis sufferers and even nekkie Spina Bifida totty. Go there now. With your credit card. You won’t regret it.
Now I am not sure what is worse – walking in on your grandparents having sex or them walking in on you. Either way, if you are curious to know what the aged get up during retirement, there is plenty of erotic material available on grannysex.com (most of the snatch looks a bit like tanned leather, but it’s amazing how horny some of those senile dementia chicks are) and of course in the bible. Sorry, I can’t be arsed to look up exactly where it is in the bible but it's bound to be there somewhere.
Don’t try this at home, kids. Your dad will not be happy if you burn his car out. Perfect for junkies who get a boner at the sight of all that chrystal meth and don't mind having to dispose of the occassional overdose victim.
Oh, how I long to have a penis! I have vowed to myself that my next boyfriend must own a maggot farm – if I can’t dip my own non-existent knob in a vat full of crawlies I am sure that the man of my dreams can. Hopefully he will pay careful attention to foreskin hygiene – imagine how hilarious it would be if he didn’t clean properly and hatched a batch of fruit flies?