25 June 2007

Personal ads for knobs

Wellhung69
Hang your hat on my hook

Well I might not be an oil painting but I’m definitely not bad looking either. Looks aren’t everything, are they? It’s what is inside you that counts, and I would like to be inside you.

I’m biosexual, so if you are male and think you can take all of me, drop me a line. I am willing to lie about how we met if you are catholic.

Ladies if you have a ‘slim’ build, sorry but if I wanted someone with no tits I would have dated one of the many gay men hit on me constantly. I’m looking for the whole package - If you are fat, that’s okay so long as you have a tight twat.

I like all pets, particularly kittens. My heart just melts for kittens.

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Snakeboy_Yeah
No assholes or faggots

I want a short term relationship or will consider a long term relationship if the right person has chemicals and chemistry. No friendships. I don't need no goddamn friends.

I love sport, especially watersports. I also like rugby (couch), hockey (tonsil), diving (muff) and shooting (jizz). I can't stand movies or picnics or the beach. The last album I bought was Death on the Road by Iron Maiden. Don’t fucking ask me to take you to the movies.

My Miss Perfect will be toothless but I am open to removable dentures. My perfect date would include getting hammered in a titty club while you pickpocket drunks at the bar.

No Fake fakes. I haven’t fucking got time. I have a snake that needs milking, I aint got no time for bullshit.
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Turtle43
Life is short and so am I

Hey how are you? How’s it going? I'm pretty new to this but thought I'd give it a go. I don’t go out much so i thought I’d give this a try. Gosh where do I start? This is so hard! I haven’t done this before! But here goes. This is really the difficult bit!

Well I’m a bit shy until you get to know me and then I really come out of my shell. And I have my own hair.

If you want to know anything more, just ask!

If I sound like what you are looking for, drop me a line! Email me!! What have you got to lose?! Get in touch, yeah?

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NutcrackerLOLLL!!!
I love to eat out!!!!

Hi I’m Nutcracker and as you can see I’m a twin!!! (I’m the one on the left by the way, LOLLLzzzz)

Me: GSOH, N/S, S/D. WLTM BDSM SWM asap. dont like BS, STDS, and HIV's.

You: SWF or BiF, DDF, looking for F/T F2F encounters. BBW need not apply – sorry, I like my women phat, not fat ROTFLMFAO!!!

I love reading – just finished ‘Who Moved My Cheese’. I also like snuggling and double dates. Did I mention I like snuggling? PMSL!!!

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JJWorshipper
A JJ in your bush is worth two in my hand

Well people say I can be cocky, but that’s more down to my bellend implant packing a big dose of attitude. She’s like a Pez dispenser, only way hotter.

If you want to hook up with me you will need be approved by my JJ Hood and let me tell you, she aint quiet. No sense in putting my own likes here – you’ll have to impress the stroppy shrew if you want to fool around with me.

She likes cactii, dwarves, trannies, weed, pills, speed and vitamin B injections into my bollocks.

If you don’t enjoy drinking, smoking, drugs and pornography please don’t apply – she will only keep me awake all night with her bitching, whining and horrible demands.
.
.


66 comments:

Chris said...

Ah nice to be back from a break, JJ you have excelled again, I have all the Dragon man photos if your interested ;) Man what some guys do to there dicks huh!!! No fucking way is what I say.

Die Muräne said...

now I feel so, so hmmm, so casual...

garfer said...

I feel that you do not receive nearly enough appreciation for your sterling efforts in trawling the interwebby to provide us with images for our delight and delectation.

I just hope your Mother Superior doesn't find out. If she does you'll receive a damn good spanking

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Is the last picture your fantasy in the sense that;

a. You want to find a man with such a manhood?

b. You would like to BE such a manhood?

jungle jane said...

Chris
I have the Dragon pics! I am a fan! i even have shots of him from behind...if you think his knob is fierce, you should see his asshole...

Die Murane
We can smarten you up! How about we go for some nice piercings and a few colourful tattoos? Come over to my house, Die Murane! We'll do a nice makeover for you!

garfer
Thank you Garfer. I am selflessly here to serve you, the reader. I am not paid or honoured for my contribution, but then nor was Mother Theresa.

Ingsoc
Hey its not my knob, therefore not my fantasy. I can only be honoured that some dude had a replica JJ implanted on his bellend. I don't know why he's moaning about me being a shrew.

*shrugs*

Chris said...

Yeh got the arsehole ones to, crazy crazy bastard.

Erin O'Brien said...

Despite the nice assortment you've gone to the trouble to put together here, I'm going to have to pass. I'm looking for one that's wearing socks.

matty said...

I just want to thank you for hunting and finding the most "unusual" pix out there on the www. It is astounding.

snakeboy both repulses and fascinates me.

jungle jane said...

Chris
I bet he's real careful when he takes a dump - wouldn't want to get shit all over his nice mural, innit?

Erin
Fair 'nuff. You can have Smurf boy from my previous post then.

Matty
Oh Matty you really need to see Snakeboy's whole portfolio. His asshole is seriously the most arousing piece of tattoo art i have ever seen

Gledwood said...

I can only quote Anna Nicole Smith here and say :: "eeeww!!"

!!

Denny Shane said...

omg jane... how did you find the time to scour all the cocks in the world to take the pics? And if mine looked like that last one I would spend all day jerking off!

Tickersoid said...

For a start snakeboy_yeah has used someone elses photo.

Dia' Williams photo, infact.
Every one, who attends the Forge Hammer karaoke show on a Saturday night, will be familliar with Dia'.
The give away is the wings. It's not a snake but a Welsh Dragon, you see?

I wouldn't date any of these. A lot of them look like cunts.

Gorilla Bananas said...

That last dick is unusually pretty, JJ, but what happens when he wants to go wee-wee?

Lucien Modo said...

Jane do follow the link, if you would care to update your avatar.

http://ofbabel.blogspot.com/

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Holy shit bat girl. I think I'd be a good date. Except...I can't take out my teeth, damn. That's it, I'm going to have them pulled this week.

tony said...

Lord! Sometimes its just like looking in the mirror..........!

Jenny! said...

Does the snake bite???

Bugwit said...

I had always figured that if I were to get a tattoo (I'm a blank canvas), I'd get a barber pole design down my shaft. It would be facinating to watch while laying pipe.

Also, I could convince some dimmer types (Essex girls, for example) that it's made of peppermint. A little squirt of Binaca now and then would keep the illusion going.

Anonymous said...

It'll all wash off -right??

Anonymous said...

I think I would go for a totem pole myself...

jungle jane said...

gledwood
Ohhhh I wouldn’t say that – look what happened to Anna Nicole…don’t wanna jinx yerself, innit??

Denny
I don’t look for the cocks, Denny. Somehow they just seem to find me.

Tickers
Huh? Omg! That’s not the real Dia? Fuck! I had a date lined up with him for tomorrow and all. I will ask him to drop his pants when I meet him and that had SO better be a snake

GB
Oh it all works out – see every time he goes for a pee, his JJ gets to wash her hair.

Lucien
BWHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA that is tops! Both evil and adorable at the same time! that is totally my next avatar – I thank you

jungle jane said...

DBS
Get them pulled! Then you can date Snakeboy! Or how about on of the twins? Eh? We can double date!

Tony
Funny you should mention that – that’s EXACTLY what I thought when I saw the last knob!

Jenny!
Only if you want him too!

Bug
I think you should get a cactus on yer knob – you would combine being patriotic to Arizona at the same time as pissing the lesbians off. I doubt whether your cunning Essex girl/peppermint ploy would work – few Essex girls know such long words as peppermint. Best off just pointing to your knob and say slowly but clearly ‘SUCK’.

Mutley
Of course it will, dear. Now you come on over to your favorite jungly jane while I get a nice pot of ink and a few needles. This isn’t going to hurt one little bit.

Lord Milky said...

Every time I go on this site, a little part of me dies. No, not my penis.

It's like the time I watched a live crucifixion in Germany (on telly).

Lord Milky said...

That's a compliment by the way.

jungle jane said...

Milky, if your penis is still intact could i borrow it for my next blog post on penis crucifixion please? Would you mind waxing for me?

I don't want the rest of you, sorry - i have no use for someone dying inside.

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Well, I thought you'd be honoured I had it done.

How DID you get the pictures??

Jenny! said...

Perfect...I dig bitters!

EBEZP said...

Oh I'm going to get a picture of you on mine JJ, the thought of cuming in your hair is just too much!!

jungle jane said...

Ingsoc
I have four words for you, dear: "The webcam trained above your bed".

I know you thought I was sending you a gift of a teddy bear, but if you look closely at its twat you will see the camera lens

Jenny
i can only assume you like biters. no-one likes bitters unless there is a dash of gin added to them

EBEZP
Do it! Do it! for real authenticity I am prepared to sell you some of my real hair. How does 2 quid a strand sound??

zen wizard said...

Where on earth do you find this shit???

(Not that I want to visit there or anything...)

I mean, is there some perv clip-art service that you subscribe to or something?

RAFFI said...

too bad you didn't find my personal:

the loquacious penis

what could be more special than a penis that can say 'happy birthday' or 'i'm gonna cum' or 'you need to douche' or 'i'd suggest seeing a doctor, your stomach lining is somewhat ulcerated'.

jj, it even is salon-trained, so you wouldn't have to worry about your purty hair.

RAFFI said...

jj, did i ever mention you're sick?

fingers said...

JJ, that is your finest work for ages; fucking brilliant.
I'd begun to suspect you were simply a crude, gross, sensationalist, scum-filled cunt-rag, however this shows real comic subtlety.
Would it be OK if I wandered over after work and came in your mouth to show my appreciation ??

#3 was hilarious...

fingers said...

Er...actually it was #4 I loved.

BTW, as a total beginner on the internet dating/personal ad scene, for quite a while I thought GSOH meant 'good salary, own home'.

Seriously...

josh williams said...

Mine didn't make the cut. I am OK with this, real Ok! Thats a lot of weird looking penis's (pen-is-is)

jungle jane said...

Zen
Dude, I don’t find this shit. It finds me. Like seriously – I get up in the morning, have a shit, got to work, shit again, come home, flick my bean and watch telly. I have no idea why people send me this stuff.

I can’t help it if folk transplant my face on their knobs. Really, I can’t.


Raffi
Fuck! Had I seen your ad, I wouldn’t have agreed to go out with the twin.

Oh and what’s all this sick stuff about? Raffi! Do you think I am sick??? Dude! Why didn’t you say so before? I am so flattered! Awwwwww….that’s nice.

Fingers
You know, dude. I think you are the only person that actually read the words. I am glad you enjoyed the irony and didn’t just check out the pictures. I am happy for you to praise me with your load – I get to slim down with your protein meal and you get to brush up on your internet dating profile. Happy days.

Josh
Josh, no fuck. Yours totally makes the cut. I am just keeping it for my own pleasure – I am the jealous type yanno. I don’t want other girls fighting me for your shy cock.

Bugwit said...

Ah, so you are saying that guile is wasted on the Essex girl? I'll remember that.

But can she be just told to hop on pop upwards of seven times a day (not counting blowjobs and anal)?

That's what I require for a loving relationship.

ChickyBabe said...

At least your face wasn't stuck on the teeny weeny one. Though on a snake, it would look cooool.

garfer said...

That new avatar is the business.

I think it's the size of the ears in relation to the pointyness of the chin that does it.

Chris said...

JJ

Here is a cool link, do you recognise Nutcracker :)

http://www.discharges.org/

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

You should see what happens when it comes...

Chris said...

Crushed

Pretty amazing isn't it lol.

Mone said...

Even if I know almost everything there is to know I must admit, a cock twin would be a new experience for myself. Could I have his adress, please?

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Oh yea, double dating is all the rage and the guy w/two heads, well we'll go dutch on that one. I do like the snake tat though, give that man an A+ for effort.

jungle jane said...

chickybabe
Perhaps my face is stuck on the micro tool? If so, it’s nestled right up against his bladder.

garfer
Yes it’s the nuts. Alfred E Newman mixed with Jungle Jane. God, I’m cool…

Chris
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I utterly adore that! Oh my word, the twins are smoking hot. I am not sure what that little hole is – please dear lord don’t tell me it can be penetrated.

I cannot stop looking at this link. It’s the best thing I’ve seen since 12 February.

Ingsoc
I expect that there are splatters in every direction. Oh my word, I must go and look again.

Mone
Mone I will hook you up. I am assuming you have 2 vaginas?

DBS
Good plan. We can swap twin when we get bored. Go look at the link Chris posted above…my word those twins are hot.

Chris said...

JJ

I aim to please as always, but the picture is actually of a penis that has been split down the uretha, so things can be inserted there (called sounding), so yes penetration is possible. They do this because there are far more nerve endings inside a mans uretha and it drives men wild. This is called Meatotomy (not a wind up).

PS: JJ, we should compare collections lol ;)

jungle jane said...

Bug:
fuck. blogger at my comment.

I have put a poster up in Essex advertising your requirements. There are 17,925 slappers lined up outside my house chanting your name.

Can you come over and sort it out please??

jungle jane said...

chris:
Okay i just spent half an hour googling Meatotonomy. How utterly fantastic - there are some very sliced up knobs out there.

Excuse me. I need to go ogle more. Please send me any interesting 'collections' you may have...

Lucien Modo said...

This posting is giving me the heebee- geebees frankly. Can we have a nice photo of a pussy or something?

And not covered in poo, or anything.

zen wizard said...

You mean you just go through the day like a normal person, and you come home and your mailbox is filled with pictures of deformed dicks?

Where are those guys from the Direct Marketing Association when you need 'em, 'cause that is one mailing list you need to get off of!

Bugwit said...

17,000 slappers? Wow, I wouldn't have thought so many Essex girls could read!

Is a slapper a woman that wants to smack your bottom with expensive footwear?

Old Knudsen said...

Men, weemen, large dogs make up yer mind. I got yer naked Axel rose pic, am I good to you or what? I will now be thinking of yer head on the end of my penis all day.


No not like that, like the picture, well ok maybe a little like that.

Lord Milky said...

Sadly, my penis is not up for crucifixion. I asked it nicely.

I'm told that I'll deny this twice more before the cock crows.

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

If you want to come inside yourself, feel free to pop round...

Ms Robinson said...

You are one funny lady. All this and I don't have to take drugs. Brilliant.

Jenny! said...

JJ...that penis is a dragon...not a snake! I analyzed it closer and low and behold...a fucking dragon dick!

Mongrel Porksword said...

I'll take anyone who can handle me.

josh williams said...

Thanks Jane, you always know the right thing to say...

brookelina said...

This post gave me a funny feeling in my pants.

brookelina said...

Wait, I'm not wearing any pants.

Captain Smack said...

Jane, you are such a dick head sometimes.

jungle jane said...

Lucien
Whhhhaaat? More twat? I thought we were getting bored of twat? Sigh, it looks like my work here is never done.

Zen
Yeah that’s it, Zen? You mean that doesn’t happen to you? Wow. I must be ‘special’. I dunno about getting off the list – where on earth am I going to get all those cock shots if I do???

Bug
No silly, I drew pictures. A giant knob + a picture of a vodka, lime and soda and a large wrap of cocaine. I then wrote FREE 4 U underneath it – which of course all Essex girls can read. The queue is up to 43,000 this morning – I am starting to suspect a few Kent lasses may have snuck in.

Knuddie
My word you certainly didn’t disappoint! You are not only virile, you are a man of tremendous persuasion and influence.

I would be honoured to reside upon yer know although i suspect it will result in your pants will be screeching orders at you all day long. Let me know how you get on – we could always make permanent arrangements if it works out for you.

Die Muräne said...

aaah, I just tried to 'spice it up' a little by myself... shit it hurts :(

jungle jane said...

Milky
Okay. No crucifixion. Got it. I suppose a nice public flogging would be out of the question too, then?

Ingsoc
If you have a split knob, dude get the kettle on. I’m on my way.

Ms robinson
Why thank you Ms Robinson! If you are not using those drugs, do you mind if I polish them off?

Jenny
Uh oh. A dragon? Hmmm…trouser dragon really doesn’t roll off the tongue quite as well as Snakeboy. Fuck. As suspected its obviously not the real owner of that penis posting the picture. Fuck. Who would have thought that people would lie on internet dating??

Porkie
Awesome. I’ll take you. But first, you look a little bit bare – here take my hand and lets get you down to the tattoo parlour for a little bit of work, yeah?

jungle jane said...

brookelina
Shouldn’t that read “This post gave me a funny feeling in my pajamas”?? its okay to go commando in your pajamas brookelina. Viggo does it all the time.

Smack
I bet you’re having a JJ knob tattooed as we speak, Smack. You can’t fool me with all of that “I’m happy just the way I am” shit, Sir. Luckily for you, supermodels love stuff like that. You’re going to get laid heaps.

Die Murane
Beauty is not painless. You need to suffer to look. Just wrap your knob in a bunch of towels (you may need to buy bigger pants) and I promise the scabs will heal in 3 weeks or so. Or not. One of the two.

~d said...

Snakeboy...(hee hee!)