08 June 2007

Happy thoughts

Yesterday I was chatting up some posh Cambridge toff (I was hoping to get him drunk and blow him in the toilets if you must know) when he suggested to me that I seem to be someone who is hating on a heck of a lot of stuff. “Well excuse me, Mr High and Mighty” I thought to myself as his chances of deepthroat disappeared faster than you can say “cricket is for pansies”.

It did get me thinking though and as a result I have decided to be cheery, positive and upbeat for a whole 24 hours. I have subsequently spent some time quietly reflecting on the many things in life that fulfill me spiritually and I have concluded that I don’t give enough credence to the joy I feel in my soul when I see a butterfly dancing in the spring sunshine or a cute kitten under the wheels of a large truck. Well enough of that, I say! Today I will be celebrating in a most positive manner the unsung hero of the human body….Rectums, This Is Your Life!

The asshole is as common as a Beatles record – everyone has one. It is also a highly erotic sexual organ, unless you are the Queen who has openly admitted to having an anus horribilis. The asshole is not to be confused with the Asshole of the World, which is another word for Iran. If you keep getting them confused, just remember – Iran is not covered in hair, although it does have its own fair share of shit.

Mainly used to expel waste matter (faeces, dogs, apples) from the body, the anus is also increasingly used as a handbag - an estimated 280,000 objects are removed surgically from rectums worldwide each year. The most common object retrieved is a vibrating mobile phone. Microwaved lemons and smoking hot bananas are of course the most pleasurable objects to insert up your turdcutter so it can only be assumed that their popularity is on the decline because they don’t vibrate.

The sphincter is the part of your asshole that helps you make Elvis tunes when you toot. Amusingly, the word ‘sphincter’ is also the singular noun of the large half-human, half-lion statue popular with tourists in Egypt, although the Egyptian tourist board usually play this fact down in their history books. The key to maintaining an alluring rusty bullet-wound is regular kegal exercises to enhance your elasticity - leaky bowels lead to unattractive skidmarks and if you wear the same pants for more then two days in a row are you likely to develop ass plaque.

A well groomed anus is a happy anus. Waxing might not feel very nice, but well done you for your attention to detail. Don’t stop there though - everyone who has an ass can benefit from anal bleaching, the process whereby your balloon knot is lightened for a more youthful appearance. While you are there, consider a treatment of botox too – nobody wants a asshole that looks like a 60 year old smoker’s mouth, right?

Man this positive thinking lark is uplifting. What do you say we do it more often, yeah?


Toby said...

I'd rather celebrate all the cute kittens under the wheels of a large truck.

wallycrawler said...

That's all very good Double J , but you failed to mention piles . Ya know the lovely speed bumps we men like to play with . I love it when woman have a whole row of grapes . I sometimes suck on em to lub'em up just before insertion . They also tend to whistle when the owners farts . Thus the word "Toot" .

fingers said...

Nothing like sitting in the waiting room down at the emergency ward on a Saturday night, your leg broken in 10 places after a car accident, while the surgical staff remove light bulbs and pineapples from other peoples' asses...

morbid misanthrope said...

That's very interesting. I haven't seen such a revolting rectum since I got into politics and went to the United States Senate. That place is full of disfigured, explosive, and undignified rectums.

zen wizard said...

I wonder how many hummers I have talked myself out of, by being a posh toff? (Whatever that is...)

I am guessing 47.

That's just a rough estimate.

DirtyBitchSociety said...

I think I'll go take a good look at the ol poop shoot and make sure things are in order. Nobody wants a bad rectum, right? BTW, you are the only one that has referred to an asshole as a Turdcutter, kudos to you!

barman said...

I more closely resemble the good asshole but I best get that waxing and bleaching going. I sure don't want to be a bad ass.

josh williams said...

I know a bit of German....Der left hand is fer wipin' der stankee! You did not mention the special glow of having given birth to a food baby of wonderous proportions.

ARM said...

You learn things too, at Jane's Jungle.

RAFFI said...

i personally think my hairy asshole is attractive, especially with some isht-crusted toilet paper remnants stuck to the hairs. straight sexy. it also leaves a pleasant odor in my suit.

RAFFI said...

oh yeah, i forget, jj you're so sick

Gorilla Bananas said...

What a fool that Cambridge toff was! Didn't his mother teach him to wait for the blowjob before criticising a woman's pet hates? Are you in a positive frame of mind when you're swallowing a man's cum, JJ?

matty said...

I'll take the good rectum, please! nothing worse than a bleeding hole.

I guess I'm more of a positive thinker. When I see kittens under the wheels of large trucks -- I don't see sadness --- I see the chance of cute roadkill!

Chris said...

Well JJ that Cambridge Toff has missed out big time, stupid bastard. I can reassure you that I wouldn't make the same mistake :)

jungle jane said...

That’s fine Toby. As long as you are being positive, you can worship whatever you want. See this is why I love all my blogging friends – you are all so supportive. I can’t guarantee I can write a whole post about that, but perhaps if you copy my post and replace the word ‘asshole’ with ‘kitten’ it could still work??

I was attempting to worship the positives here Wally. Piles are generally seen as bad things. I have already been positive for 11 whole hours (although I was sleeping for 5 of them) and I feel wonderful. I like the word “toot”. I might amend my post and use that instead.

Yes I know! Why don’t they just give them a laxative ffs. God – I should have been a doctor – sometimes easy things are so…well…overly complicated.

Which one did you find revolting? The one on the right? I mean, its all so subjective, innit? I left politicians out of my rectum post simply because the whole point was to be cheery and upbeat but I hear you man, I hear you

Well I am glad my post could seek to have you looking inwards and modifying your behaviour. A blowjob in the hand is worth two in the bush Zen. Unless you like hiding in bushes and getting your knob sucked – in which case that’s a load of bollocks

Yes you must pay attention to detail. No good shaving your legs and armpits and then walking around with a hairy dirty bumhole, is there?

jungle jane said...

I think you will thank me for it. No one wants to be known as the guy with the ugly arsehole. Word travels fast Barman. Don’t allow yourself to be the subject of petty gossip.

No, I left shit out of this post. I am forever going on about shit. I thought it was time I paid homage to that unsung hero of the nether regions – the humble bumhole. You should throw a party for yours, Josh. It will be most grateful.

Oh yes – my blog is mainly educational. I am here to teach and inform. It gives me a warm glow of satisfaction

Jesus. And you think I am a sicko? My god, if ever I meet you, remind me to sprinkle some confetti on my butthole first, eh?

I suspect he’s too busy listening to Elvis records to realize that he missed out on some prime rump. Oh well, you snooze you lose. I am always in a positive frame of mind, GB. It’s the new me.

Exactly – if there were no kittens under wheels of large trucks, none of us would ever eat meat pies or sausages.

I know, what a complete arse. Mind you – he had an accent like he had a mouth full of toffee. Unless of course he was eating toffee.

ChickyBabe said...

You should start a WikiJJane!

egan said...

I'm so hungry suddenly.

Chris said...

JJ, I came across this earlier and I thought of you :)


Flyinfox_SATX said...

You have to do the follow up article on the joys and love of KY Jelly.....I am riveted!


Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Christ. I was eating a Chicken Tikka slice.
Not sure I want to finish it.

Ratty. said...

The perfect ring should resemble a dried apricot both in appearance and flavour. I am rather keen on waxing and bleaching mine, any useful hints Jungley?

Tickersoid said...

Thinking about posh toffs moved onto aresholes.

I find the same happens to me.

DirtyBitchSociety said...

I pluck it all and have for years. Well not all of it but I keep a high n tight Marine cut. Those butt hairs do hurt, thought. They can bring tears to your eyes.

Henri Banks said...

Not WikiJJane but Wickedbitchia
and oh yes anal sex is great
and ohhh no i dont put my penis in iran that hole stinks !!!

Jenny! said...

Neither of those look like a "good" rectum...do you make it a habit to suck dick in the toliet???

Lebensborn Child said...

"...anus horribilis..."
Your deliciously mangled Latin reminds me of that Lolita, Hermione.
Did you know that the words Anal and Anile come from the same Latin route meaning "wrinkled". Fuck me from behind(a tergo)with a copy of Catullus, I'm sure you do.

You forgot to mention: "The
'pining' gerbils after having been inserted live" in your list of the objets d'art extricated from the anus mirabilis.

BEAST said...

You are an inspiration to us all JJ , I have dabbed a bit of Tesco's extra thick bleach round me arse and inserted the microwaved lemon .I feel more positive already

Bugwit said...

I laughed out loud at 'anus horribilis', but did the same when The Queen said it!

Boo fucking hoo for her, I thought. I just thought of all the illiterate 20 year-olds with six kids watching from their disintigrating council flats and crying their toothless faces off of old Liz.

No wonder she tried to kill me.

Personaly, mere hair plucking is not enough. I like to put a nice shine on my bunghole using a good industrial 100-grit sandpaper and then finish with with rubbing compound.

The reflection off that thing is blinding!

paddy said...

I like to forget about my Sphinx it tends to blow quizing glances that even I can't answer because I'm usually too polite in the first place to let go in company.
Or perhaps I have gone past anal facination. I suppose one has to drink down to the dregs of their neurosis to get to the bottom- no pun intended- of what the affair really is. If it is a highly erotic sexual organ for a person that's fine. If it is something else, I'd love to read about it and perhaps find even more relief.
As I said love the new photo. You look beautiful or whoever it is.
Y;-) Paddy

DorianGray1854 said...

Is Cricket still for pansies if the Bowlers are playing nude while influenced by mind boggling drugs, alcohol and being serenaded by the sweet sounds of a glam/hair-metal band; say Guns-N-Roses? That’s how we roll!!

jungle jane said...

What a FANTASTIC idea! I like that very much! That is exactly what the world needs – Wikipedia can be soooo unfactual at times…we need me to tell the truth as it really is

Don’t eat corn, egan. Just don’t.

That chick is a pussy. What she needs is a hammer drill attached to her twat. Seriously.

Right-ho then fox. I take requests. I am happy to do so. I will also write about less-posh lubricating substances (not everyone can afford fancy pants KY) such as butter or lemon.

Dude, if you don’t want that Tikka slice, can I have it? I’m not proud. I will eat half chewed pies that resemble turds

A stylish man. I like that. Of course I have tips, Ratty. Firstly, when waxing you should ALWAYS remove any genital piercings…especially if you have your arsehole pierced as I am sure most of us do. When applying the bleach you can just use household stuff. Don’t waste your money on fancy expensive stuff. It works great on my floor so just pop it on your bum and wash off after 2 hours. When you are clean and done, take photos and send them to me. I will post them on my blog you little minx

jungle jane said...

Yeah – its called ‘word association’. Shrinks use the technique all the time. I think we all agreed it worked beautifully for me, yeah? I am full of love and joy today.

You see, that’s what I like to hear, DBS. Well done. The pain is good pain though, right? Not bad pain like when you get your credit card bill eh?

Well let me tell you, Iran produces some unbearably cute men. Seriously – that’s where the totty is at. I urge you to visit Iran, just keep your dick out the dirt yeah?

Blimey Jenny – I post a pic of an alluring ringpiece and you don’t like it? Shees – I think the dude on the right is most sexy. I don’t suck dick in the loo regularly – more like once a week or so. Just as a special treat.

Lebensborn child
No my Latin is fine – it’s the queen that got it all fucked up. I know all about those gerbils – we call it ‘felching’ here in England. It’s a great sport – I think I might write about it

jungle jane said...

Well I like to think that I can inspire others to lead a clean and Christian life Beastie. And part of that is having a smooth, clean bumhole. Please leave the bleach on for several hours and then wash off with warm water and dishwashing liquid. That will clean the lemon too.

Yeah I think we all laughed at the queen having an ugly bumhole. I think she mentioned it to be ‘down’ with the ‘yoof’. And to be gay-friendly to make her kid Edward feel okay about things.

I think she tried to kill you because she is a malicious old mare who was pissed that Saddam was getting all the kudus.

Do you remember to varnish your bumhole afterwards? That will really bring the shine out…

I find that making tunes is the best way to avoid embarrassment. Just toot out a nice little version of “these boots were made for walking”. People love it.

The photo is me. Except today I have purple hair. My hairdresser is also purple – it looks like something purple died in her salon, however my hair looks great.

My lovely Dorian! Welcome back! Cricket is only for pansies unless you are playing. Then its for sex gods.

DorianGray1854 said...

Sex God indeed who misses his Mistress ;) Well, I’ve never actually played Cricket but I think any yard game could be fun if additionally given the proper tools and circumstances. Maybe I should give Cricket a go. It might lead to a new blog with only pictures of me playing games like Baby-oil Twister, I will then proceed to create new games like Checkers with Peanut-butter and Sex; I think the combinations are limitless but it should be known doubtlessly that they will be filled to the brim with tasteless vulgarity and me,.

Erin O'Brien said...

I thought the asshole of the world was George W. Bush. My bad.

Carry on.

mutleythedog said...

I have never seen one before as I have broken the small bathroom mirror! How exciting this is!

Bugwit said...

Absolutely. I find that polyurethane lasts longer than water-based products.

Henri Banks said...

what can do with a cute iran man and when you gave me a woman from iran no way its all dirt!!!

josh williams said...

Hooper: Anti-Shark cage.
Quint: Anti-shark cage. You go inside the cage?
[Hooper nods]
Quint: Cage goes in the water, you go in the water. Shark's in the water. Our shark.
Quint: Farewell and adieu to you, fair Spanish ladies. Farewell and adieu, you ladies of Spain. For we've received orders for to sail back to Boston. And so nevermore shall we see you again.
Quint: Front, bow. Back, stern. If ya don't get it right, squirt, I throw your ass out the little round window on the side

EBEZP said...

A really anal post JJ especially the objects removed Are they objets d'arse?

sausage said...

Lemons you say? Hmmmm...

You seem to have done a lot of research on this subject Jane, so I'm sending you a photo. Can you tell me what the hell that thing is on my rectum?

josh williams said...

Rectum hell it killed him!

~d said...

I am interested in more info on the anal bleaching, Please.

tony said...

I used to worry but its all behind me now...............

Woogie said...

JJ DB..Do I have to? I like the european natural look, do you think thats ok?

Ratty. said...

When you are clean and done, take photos and send them to me

Jane, you are a disgust. It has all gone tits up with my arse. I have posted the picture on my medical journal for the world to see. You will be hearing from my solicitor.

Lebensborn Child said...

'Felching' o'er here 'cross the pond means to 'eat' out of the nether region orifice.
The stuffing of live rodents does not have a specific name of which I am aware.
I did a 6 month rotation in an ER (A & E in the UK) Pulled my share of crap from the crapper.

matty said...

You know, Babs might have a point -- and, at least her points were quite pert in 1971. I wonder if i did this right. hmmmmm...


matty said...

no, it didn't work, but if you follow my link you might be able to see it.

First Nations said...

absolutely right on all counts. a bleachy anus is a peachy anus. and isn't that what we all want in this crazy, mixed up game we call life?

i mean, besides one of your blowjobs, of course.

and great heaving shedloads of real estate

Captain Smack said...

Wow, Jane - I thought I knew everything there was to know about assholes, but you are clearly an anus expert.

I'm doing my Kagal's as we speak. Hopefully, a month from now, I'll be able to get one in the can from five feet away!

jungle jane said...

Close…but not quite. Your Prime Minister is, in fact, the hemorrhoid of the world. I am glad I could clear that up…

Mutley yours in the one on the right. I snuck in one night when you were sleeping, parted your legs and took a picture on my camera phone. Its very ugly Mutley – no wonder you broke the mirror

Of course. And it brings up such a lovely shine with a bit of furniture polish. I like a man that grooms, Bug.

Oh dear…a broken link. I can only assume it’s porn?? Ass porn.

Josh your yarn proves quite unequivocally to me that Hooper must have had a very small ass in order to fit out the tiny window. The rest of him would have got stuck though, dontchyathink?

Well I don’t know – do you consider microwaved lemons and mobile phones art? If so, indeed we have art. I believe some surgeons keep especially bizarre items in their office cabinets. That last big might not be true.

jungle jane said...

I have studied the photo. It’s nothing to worry about – it’s just a small rat. Or it could be a Chihuahua. I can’t be too sure – they are so similar. Is it still breathing?

Fuck. I told you so. I bet he got stuck in the window, right?

Just visit Ratty’s blog He’s done a beautiful job of it. Although now the swine is trying to sue me for blah blah who knows what. I suffer for my art – I try to help and all I get is lawsuits

Don’t worry Tony. Stress leads to a clenched buttock, and that’s not good for you. Just keep looking forward Tony and do your breathing exercises.

Welcome Woogie! Yes I am afraid you must bleach immediately. The European look was like last century. Seriously. To not bleach would be un-Australian.

Well excuse me Ratty missy. Your arse looks fucking FANTASTIC! That’s exactly what we were aiming for!! What on EARTH are you going to sue for me?? A job well done? Shees – now I’ve fuckin heard it all…

jungle jane said...

Ahhhh you little minx! You and your games! I think you should play cricket. Chicks love it – especially in America. Leave the peanut butter out of it maybe, it’s a bit too much like scat.
Lebensborn child
I think felching means licking arsehole here. It also refers to shaving mice and inserting them in the rectum down a tube. It sounds awesome – I’m going to buy some mice and a razor this week.

Ohhhh I would love to know what type of things you pulled out of arses…do tell…the world must know

Boohoo it didn’t work. Was it a pic of Bab’s ass?

Well yes I agree. And I am DEFINTELY not blowing anyone who doesn’t have a bleached arse. It’s a new rule. Unless, of course, they have shedloads of real estate…

Sounds fabulous. You might even want to go down to the fair, drop your pants and let children aim missiles at your arse from 5 feet away. Not only do you get the practice you crave, but you will make a few tax free dollars too. Your wallet will thank you for it and I can’t see your asshole complaining either.

Henri Banks said...

it was not broken you silly ....

R2K said...

Horrible :(

Jenny! said...

Good to know sucking in the loo is not a time consuming habit for you, only once a week just aint that bad!

Sorry that neither of those rims appealed to me, i am bit more choosy when it comes to rim!

mutleythedog said...

I knew you were there JJ - I just stayed quiet.. what are you doing Thursday?I got some KY....

jungle jane said...

Arggggggggggggggggg that is fucking disgusting!


Fuck! I agree!

*pukes again*

Ratty has done some rim enhancement - perhaps you prefer his??

I was going to stay at home on thursday and vote for your blog. Will the KY help??

Sockpuppet said...

Sieg Heil, Sieg Heil.

Vote UK News.