12 June 2007

Diets

True fact: Fat people are hard to kidnap.

Unfortunately there are many negative stereotypes that are commonly associated with fat people such as the belief that they are lazy, evil and smell like stale milk. Even Jesus hates fat people - gluttony is one of the 7 deadly sins, as is greed and sloth.

As a svelte size 20 myself I am here to help you to stop eating all the African kids’ food and slim yourselves down so that you are as slender and alluring as me. Men might say that they like a woman with a bit of meat, but frankly I don’t see many of them living in a butchery.

Your first step in practising girth control is to admit that you are a total porker – an individual who has to use a mirror to observe your own genitalia. Denial is your biggest obstacle – many fat people will insist that they eat like birds. Big fat giant birds maybe.

Crash diets are fantastic for quick weight loss, however the human body responds to starvation by decreasing metabolism and leaving the dieter feeling lethargic and fatigued. Well don’t let that stop you from starving yourself – you can easily increase your metabolism by mixing heaps of amphetamine in a nice cup of tea. Cigarettes are also an excellent way of suppressing your appetite and if you are serious about eliminating the hail damage on your arse you should definitely take up smoking. Your body will thank you for it.

For a quick extra boost a handful of laxatives are not only a safe way of shedding a pound a or two but they have the added benefit of being chocolate flavoured. Make sure you never take laxatives and sleeping pills on the same night though.

Watching what you eat is essential if you want to be slim like me – you are way better off counting your calories than counting your chins. Eating lots of vegetables needn’t be a chore! I always ensure that I fry my chips in vegetable oil for example – potato is one of your recommended daily vegetable portions and the vegetable oil is another. Even better still if you eat loads of frozen food such as ice cream and vodka – frozen stuff contains no calories at all because calories are units of heat.

Talking of vodka, crackpot scientists seem to think that alcohol stacks the pounds on. No problem – simply skip your breakfast and lunch. Always remember that walking is a step in the right direction – walk to the pub instead of driving. Don’t walk too quickly though – you really want to avoid gaining muscle as it is heavier than fat and clearly defeats the objective of you trying to lose weight. At closing time, take care not to blow it with your late night take-away by only ordering diet coke with your fried chicken.

If all else fails and you really cannot slim down you should consider surgery. If you haven’t got much disposable cash, simply swallow a whole bunch of staples and immediately do 50 swift sit-ups.

Finally, please do not try to sue me if you cannot lose weight. The last person who tried that ended up with his arse looking like maggots. Thank you.

57 comments:

barman said...

I think I will take you up on that JJ. Lots of cool tips. What no swimming to boost the metabolism. Oh wait, that is right... you are using the pool and others need to come and bother you.

Captain Smack said...

Well done, Jane. Whenever I see an article on weight-loss, I immediately skim it for the word "amphetamine". You'd be surprised how many articles don't even mention them.

I was, however, slightly disappointed that, even though you did bring up surgery, you didn't mention limb amputation specifically. Legs are heavy, you know.

ARM said...

God damn it, Jane. I laugh in spite of myself. And I agree with Captain Smack...where was the amputation suggestion for weight loss. For shame.

ARM said...

But, since I'm considered "fat" it's OK for me to laugh, right?

zen wizard said...

Here's a diet tip for women--

Don't turn into a lez-bomb who lives with another "life partner" lez-bomb and eats a ton of potato chips and has a "pizza night" with your lez-bomb "life partner" watching "The L-Word: The Complete First Season."

The term for this phenomenon is, "Lesbian Bed Death"--because eating another quiff is bad enough; when you have to roll your partner in dough--dough that you could be saving for "Pizza Night"--to find a wet spot, what is the point??

For men, here is my dieting tip--

1) Make a shit-load of money; and,

2) Be a conceited, yet humorous prick.

Women will shag you even if your man-boobs say "Goodyear" on the side of them, if you master "1" and "2." Just make sure and spray a bunch of Axe cologne in the folds of your fat so you don't smell like bacon.

(It's called, "Lynx" in England but everyone is gay there anyway and if you are a gay guy who can't get blown in England, I certainly don't know what I am supposed to do about it!!)

fingers said...

I've also noticed that most of the joggers in my neighbourhood are fat bastards. Same thing at the gym; fat fuckers everywhere.
I'm starting to suspect a causal link between exercise and weight problems...

matty said...

At last! Some commons sense diet ideas!

For me, the best thing is just to stop eating. ...not totally, of course.

a cup of sugar free cream of wheat.

loads of diet coke

and half a piece of boiled chicken for dinner.

true, by day 18 i am prone to passing out on public transit but I start to look damn good doing it by day 25!

...and, then I can increase to one cookie a week and soup for dinner -- and an egg scramble once a weekend.

PLUS! I save loads of money!

Problem is a driver. i don't have one.

I got a man. I've got a job.

I need a reason to get back into my 29 inch jeans and look good in my size small shirts. right now, i'm between a size 30/31 jeans and while the small still fits you can see a gut starting to show.

most worrying.

hey, Jungle Jane? What was this dream you pursued and have secured?!?!? Tell us!

waving and blowing kisses from GayTown where being thin is of the utmost importance!

morbid misanthrope said...

I've been hearing good things about the Shylock Diet. You're allowed to eat as much of your own flesh as you're able to remove yourself. It also makes a delightful dinner-party game for adventurous types who've grown tired of charades and wife-swapping.

ing said...

Yay, I refrained from clicking the link! I did it! Yay!!!!!!!

Since I have no reason to stay slim, I guess I don't have to worry about it! I was kind of bony last year, and that didn't do anything for me. So this year. . .

jungle jane said...

barman
No swimming! No! No! No! See my point on exercise - you don't want all that nasty, heavy muscle tone ruining your efforts, now do you?

smack
Those articles are written by fat people who don't want others to be thin. They dish out ridiculous diet tips like "cut back on carbs" knowing full well that shit don't work. Fags, speed and coffee. That's the trick.

Oh yeah, and amuputation. of course. My bad.

arm
Well don't go amputating your arms - otherwise you will have to change your name too. Unless of course you call yourself Armless?

You are only fat if you need two seats on the bus. Even then you can laugh - all those size 16 skinnies having to stand the whole journey..

Bugwit said...

Really large people make excellent, slow-burning fuel. Stick a wick in the belly-button of a 900lb man nad he'll go for days and days.

I think tubbothane can be the alternate fuel source we've been looking for. I'm going to Wisconsin t ostake my claimright now. I'll be rich!

jungle jane said...

Zen
I think your dieting tips for women are excellent. No-one wants to be dipped in dough by their “life partner” – remember that when you enter a relationship, all sex stops. That’s mother nature’s reward for all us singles.

Your tips for men are somewhat dated – you no longer need to bother being humorous if earn lots of money. You can be a complete ass and that’s totally fine. You don’t even to worry about smelling like breakfast – women can’t smell it over the smell of all that money

Fingers
My point entirely! If you have weight issues don’t go anywhere near exercise! Those aren’t fat people you are seeing – they are actually very skinny people who have put on heaps of muscle. Their poor hearts must be totally about to shut down.

Matty
Hooray! A sensible set of advice from a very sensible man! Although if it were me, I would cut down on that cookie – it’s not a good idea to be so greedy when you are trying to trim down. I fit VERY comfortably in my size 44 jeans – and it wasn’t down to soffing cookies, let me tell you. The egg also seems a bit much – after all, you are trying to lose weight here, right? I would stick to this diet for 75 days – you want those pant to fall off you so that you can buy heaps of cute belts, yeah?

Morbid
I like that! Sort of like Sushi but with less fish? Are you allowed to eat each other or is that the XXX rated version of the game??

Ing
Yayayayay Ing! It only took 18 months of training you to stop clicking my links! Well done!!

Now I want you to quit worrying about being bony – after all, Nicole Richie is the world’s most desirable woman, right?

Bug
Wow what a fab idea - can you tell us what it smells like? Burning stale milk or slow roasting pork?? and if the wick burns down can you wax up his knob and use that instead??

fingers said...

Don't attack your heart and it won't attack you.
Exercise; just say no, Jane...

kelly ripafart said...

i tried joggin' once, but my cigarette kept going out. fuck that!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Fat humans float like corks and are more fun to ride than a dinghy. You sound like the kind of woman I'd like to take on a cruise, JJ.

Sockpuppet said...

Vote UK News and Politics, for a New World Order.

Newmania said...

JJ you look like a little Audrey Hepburn waif model, I would have said you needed fattening up , do you think that men like little boys ( well apart from Catholic Priests who obviously do).IN any case this body obsession is so wrong I want to fuck you , for your mind, yes its that zany inventive mad cap coo lumme guv cheekiness that gets me hard.I therefore suggest , from behind with your head in a chocolate cake which you attempt to eat during with perhaps a line or two to get the Party started .
Then its off to the local weight watchers for both of us still caked in chocolates and bodily fluids semi naked and triumphantly wasted
This may not actually happen but in a universe of infinite possibilities I maintain it actually is happening somewhere else right now.

RAFFI said...

jj i don't think you got the memo, but being fat is back. it's the newest celebrity craze, next to going to prison and rehab. i still think the most effective means of losing weight is by shooting yourself in the head. have a nice day :)

Ratty. said...

Fat people can have a balloon put in their stomach. Apparently you feel like you've just done 10 pints of lager and a FBI. The big danger is that you shit it out and split your arse.

Newmania said...

Dirty Splitter !

Flyinfox_SATX said...

WOW! You are thought provoking, insightful and probably one of the better minds I read here on my daily blog reads.

Not only that but your sense of humor is bar none some of the best I have ever seen! I can't wait for your explination of Christianity versus Muslim religions, pros and cons of each!

Keep it going! I love it!

Flyinfox_SATX

zen wizard said...

Good point on the money.

Why don't they make a cologne that smells like money?

Probably the people at Planned Parenthood are against all the resultant pregnancies when every woman in the world turns into a nympho.

~d said...

Tonight I'm gonna meet her at the Hungry House Cafe
And I'm gonna give her all the love I can, yes I am

(smile)

cocaine jesus said...

th funny and iteresting. laxatives and sleeping pills = soiled sheets!!
lol

jungle jane said...

fingers
Well exactly! Except for course for rooting, shitting and rolling joints – three worthy forms exercise I thoroughly enjoy and strongly believe are good for you.

Kelly
See that only proves my point – if jogging is going to kill a cigarette, imagine what its doing to your heart!

GB
Shit also float. Surely you are not likening me to shit, GB?

sockpuppet
I am sorry I cannot vote. I am an illegal alien.

Newmania
Audrey Hepburn was a size 22? Awesome – the world needs more skinny chicks. As for your zany scenario of chocolate cake and snorting lines, I’m in! only can we substitute the chocolate cake for heaps of beer? And maybe leave the weight watchers bit out of it? They’re such serious folk

Raffi
Huh. I wrote the fekking memo. Actually adopting foreign babies is even more cool. I am going to adopt a robotic baby.

jungle jane said...

Ratty
Surely if they have a balloon in their tummy the staples would burst it? Gawd, some people just don’t use their fekking brains, do they?

Newmania
What was that, deary?

Flyinfox
Fabulous – I will write exactly such a post. It seems a shame not to share my knowledge about the place. Its about time I cleared up a few misconceptions about our Christian brothers

Zen
If they made a cologne like that, men would be humping other men all over the place. Is that what you want Zen? Is it? Is it?

Tildy
There is no calories in love. I suggest that you do not have a food fight and opt for an orgy instead

Cocaine Jesus
At least in winter it would be nice and warm, though?

Ratty. said...

Rice is the secret. Porky Chinese and Indians are thin on the ground.

Jenny! said...

Thank you for filling me in on the laxitive/sleeping pill combo, I was wondering why I had no sheets left!

DorianGray1854 said...

Sex, Sex and more Sex!! I say, "Just follow the easy instructions of skipping breakfast and lunch, continue on to that local pub, get smashed, don't be too picky if there isn't much for interesting partners, find a side street and fuck the pounds away!!" Just take turns being on top and always remember to have that after Sex smoke!! I hear reverse cowgirl position works well for women. Beer can be a great substitue for food as well double as a laxative. There problem solved. Also remember: The more interesting the position and place, the more calories one will burn. That's how the Sex Gods do it!!

paddy said...

...if I send you my address would you be good enough to send me heaps of speed (amphetamine) my favourite drug as charley's too expensive. Fat, skinny, whatever. You like them or you don't. I prefer a person I really like as opposed to one I don't... am I repeating myself ..self ..self.
Y;-) Paddy

garfer said...

I am a committed fatist.

All porkers should be rendered down and the resultant gloop used to power Chelsea tractors.

Voila, no more global warming or wobbling arses in skintight lycra.

Lovely.

jungle jane said...

Ratty
I am sure its not rice – I think you will find its because Chinese and Indian people take loads of speed. I did an experiment – I fed a mouse rice and I fed another speed. The mouse that ate the rice now has a double chin and the mouse on speed is running laps around his cage. Science, Ratty dear, science

Jenny!
Perhaps the Sheet Fairy stole them? You shouldn’t automatically blame the laxative – their job is shit enough as it is

Dorian
My word, you have managed to combine ALL of my tips into one evening of revelry. I suggest everyone wanting to lose weight follows this and save yourselves months of pesky crash dieting. Well done lad!

paddy
This could be a problem because I did all of the world’s speed last weekend. I can, however, crush up a few aspirin, charge you a tenner and you’ll feel just like you scored a dodgy gram in a nightclub?

garfer
Holy shit, you’ve managed to do away with lard, 4x4s and global warming in one go. See, this is the type of thinking that makes Britain great. I am impressed.

Bugwit said...

I don;t think the knob will serve as a good wick for my soon-to-be-marketed Flab-O-Flame (TM) candle. Fat men usually have small penises and they can really recede within the folds. And you kow how annoying it can be to try to light a short wick.

As for scent, I plan to offer three: Cherry, Vanilla and Burrito.

RAFFI said...

"I am going to adopt a robotic baby."

you can get a "cute" japanese robot boy nowadays. i hear he's also circumcised.

mutleythedog said...

What a pot of good ideas.Lard and lead are good ways to lose weight, as is a eating bricks... I found a quick wank just before the weigh in essential when I was in Weight Watchers... thats why I have the fetish...

zen wizard said...

They have a word for clusters of men who hump other men--It's called, "The Tony Awards"; I watched it Sunday night and it was not pretty.

Well, it was aesthetically pretty, but not in an metaphysical sense.

Anyway, I should mention here that fat guys have a better chance of surviving a gunshot wound or a concentration camp.

So fat is not all bad, as Hollywood and the fashion industry would have you believe.

Tickersoid said...

I don't listen to what the others say about you.

I think 'fat cunt' is totally inappropriate.

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Doctor Jane, an excellent Thesis and expose on the rigors and how to's of the acquisition of a svelte and trim body. Pass the potato chips will ya, I need my share of veggies.

sausage said...

I wonder if Dorian is available to be my personal trainer...

Anyway, are tapeworms passe these days? That's my tried and true. Mine's name is "Frank."

ChickyBabe said...

Hail the Vodka! When I stopped drinking, I put on a little weight. Maybe it was to do with not doing enough exercise. Mixing Martinis is hard work!

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

I eat complete junk, but weigh eleven stone.
The follwing substances are possibly the best known for diet control.

MDMA
Cocaine

First Nations said...

you have the right idea, jane. additionally, dorian grey's regimen intrigues me. the two of you need to collaborate on a diet plan, name it something dynamic and award yourselves a phony doctorate in nutrition...be like minting your own, i tell you!

Sterculian Rhetoric said...

You can lose a good 50 lbs by having an appendage or two removed.

Is it okay to use a mirror to observe my friend's genitalia? I used to just douse her in Talcum and look for the wet spot, but I have found the mirror trick to be less affecting of my asthma.

jungle jane said...

Bug
You don’t sound terribly sure about the knob thing. you should try it out, you know. Just make sure you shave your pubes first – we don’t want you combusting and ruining the whole experiment, innit? Don’t worry about short knobs – that’s what gas stove ignitors are for – so you don’t burn your fingers. I like the scents, but I think you should also consider throwing in Sardine flavour. For me.

Raffi
Ohhhhhhhhhh I like that – you can get robotic pets too which are WAY cuter than the real thing. they have jerky little robot movements and when they bark they sound like a tin can being opened

Mutley
I am always full of handy hints, mutley. Unlike you, who is only good for buxom lasses with shapely puppies. I do like your wank tip though – no sense in carrying all that weighty jism into your weigh-in.

Zen
Oh, I thought it was called the “Blogpower Awards”

*rolls on the floor laffing hysterically

Tickers
Fucking bastards. I’m a size 20! Fuck! I need to put some meat on my bones.

jungle jane said...

DBS
Have 5 bags of chips – you don’t want to skimp on your ‘5 portions a day’…it will only upset the government

chickybabe
See, my point exactly. All that frozen vodka is very good for you – give up the booze and you can kiss your trim hips goodbye. It’s just basic science.

Ingsoc
Tsk tsk Ingsoc, it’s not like you to pay poor attention to detail. EVERYONE knows that speed should be on your list too

Sausage
Ahhhh actually Dorian is “busy”…er…entertaining me. You can have him if he makes it out alive and in one piece, deal? And perhaps when I am done with Dorian you can lend me Frank? To keep my weight down??

FN
Dorian and I are indeed collaborating. He doesn’t know it yet, but my cunning plan involves him being entirely naked for the duration of our collaboration. I will take pictures and post them on my blog for the good of the world.

Sterculian rhetoric
Its completely fine to observe genetalia in a mirror or with a magnifying glass. You should try the magnifying glass – if you come up real close the vagina looks like its talking to you.

Sterculian Rhetoric said...

My friend's Pudenda 'speaks in tongues' to me when I am under the influence of too many recreationally ingested pints of liquid benzodiazepine.

The little nipper normally only articulates in crude grunts punctuated by the odd voiced labial-velar plosive.

Bugwit said...

Sardine sounds like an excellent addition to our scent portfolio. We are also test-marketing 'garlic pizza' and 'corned beef and cabbage'.

matty said...

I fell off the wagon.

...I had a brownie, some stuffing and a chicken.

i gained 15 pounds tonight.

sigh.

jungle jane said...

Sterculian rhetoric
Oh dear, I think by the sounds of it that your friend must have a pre-historic poon. All that grunting and burping sounds really quite quaint – you should offer it a piece of tuna and see if it bites

Bug
Oh nice one. I can see this is going to be huge. Paris Hilton and all those other folk bringing out perfumes will be kicking themselves that they missed this fine commercial opportunity. Have you considered selling cute matching lighters?

matty
Its okay Matty. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and snort a nice big line of cocaine. We are all mere humans Matty, which is why Jesus Christ never gains weight.

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Not really. You see Speed brings about nasty long come downs. The solution to these is to smoke large amounts of pot.

These sorts of smoking sessions are inevitably followed by huge meals at nearby pubs, or tripd to McDonalds to get two Extra Large Quarter Pounder meals each.

Oh, I miss my student years...

BEAST said...

JJ I have had my thinking cap on and have two new diet ideas for you
1.Has the bottom fallen out of your world
Try the all new Beast Dysentry Diet .....shed those unwanted pounds and watch the world fall out of your bottom.

2.For the animal lovers amongst us try the all new Beasties Adopt a Tapeworm Diet.
Caring for a homeless tapeworm and steady sustainable weightloss in one deal.

With winning ideas like this I am frankly dismayed I am not a multi Billioniare

Erin O'Brien said...

Jane, be a dear and send Dorian's addy along then, will you?

EBEZP said...

Shed the pounds with sex! A fatty orgy so both men and women benefit!
Followed by an ordinary orgy for the most succesful. Wow you can evn lose weight just thinking of it!

Bugwit said...

Matching lighters...hmmm. Not bad. We'll need them to be shaped like fat men, though. There has to be some Chinese company with factory seconds on Buddha lighters. We'll just paint 'em flesh colored.

You have some great ideas! Want in on the ground floor of the candle business?

Your first job is to go find some dead fat men. How they become dead is not my concern. Off with you!

matty said...

It's all fine after all! I've been in toilet all day!!!! Yay!

so, i figure that coupled with the coke -- I'm ok to have that cookie!

jungle jane said...

Ingsoc
Nononononono – the smoking is followed by more speed to get you up in the morning. It’s a merry go round Ingsoc – you need never ever come down

Beastie
I think I have dysentery covered (see taking loads of laxatives) but I love the idea of a tapeworm. In fact Sausage is lending me hers – its called “Frank”. I hope he doesn’t mind living in my arse.

Erin
Ah, our Dorian is a terribly popular lad, Erin – when I last checked the queue for his services was winding all the way down to France. I will add you to the list though – I hope you aren’t busy on 12 October 2019.

Ebezp
Fat people sex? um. Err. No. definitely no.

Bug
I’m in! I’m in! I can get the dead men – no problem. Can you supply the fridges?

Matty
I told you so! Go wild – have 2 cookies! In fact if you attach a colostomy bag, you can have the whole pack!

Bugwit said...

Fridges...that could get expensive.

How about this? For each fat man you club, er, acquire, just throw him in his OWN fridge and call some movers to haul the whole thing to our warehouse. Problem solved!