22 June 2007

Sock sex

Whilst it is almost impossible to orgasm if you have cold feet it is equally difficult to become aroused if your partner refuses to remove their socks. Even if you having a quickie and are fully clothed, if you want to get your rocks off you should definitely get your socks off.

If you suffer from cold feet you should defrost them up by placing them on your partner’s nice warm arse. Alternatively, you can encourage your cat to sleep on your bed so that he can provide warmth to your toes while you are getting it off with your loved one. If your loved one is the cat, I suggest that you do not have sex with him – you would have nothing to keep your feet warm with.

Ladies, you might be tempted to keep your socks on in order to keep your partner’s ears warm. Forget that immediately - It is more in your interests to suggest that he use your inner thighs. Gentleman, please understand that there is nothing less romantic than seeing you walk around butt naked with an erection and your socks on.

The only circumstance under which it is acceptable to wear socks in bed is if you need a decoy. Ladies with a face like a slapped arse or gentlemen afflicted with a tiny cock can easily divert their partner’s attention away from these areas and onto the feet by wearing a nice bright pair of socks. Gay people, please be aware that a pink sock is in fact a prolapsed rectum and should never worn on your feet.

Of course all of this is subjective and we do live in a democracy. My helpful poll will help the whole world to settle the argument for once and for all. Vote for your life, kids. You know it’s the right thing to do.


Jenny! said...

I hate socks! Unless they are covering someones penis...then they are just entertaining!

Ratty. said...

Jane you tart, can you please give me the name and address of the little white geezer. He would be perfect for my team of house painters - we are in desperate need of a skirting board artist.

zen wizard said...

I am so glad I can clarify things, here:

Those are Benetton socks, and these guys were just wearing them for a United Colors of Benetton photo shoot.

If you can't "get" the message the artist is trying to convey here--which is more than just selling Benetton clothes; it's "Peace, love, and understanding"--then I dunno, you should probably take an Art Appreciation course at UC/Berkeley or something.

Old Knudsen said...

You should always wear socks while doing the sex. If at the end and you reach to find yer hankie box empty then merely reach doon and pull off a sock and you'll look like a hero. *Socks are man's best friend*, I still have crusty ones from when I was a child.

*dogs are right cunts*

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Very disturbing indeed.

Just SO not something I wanted to see.

In fact, I wish I was blind now...

garfer said...

Perhaps this is what women mean when they ask me to 'put a sock in it'.

How perverse can you get?

jungle jane said...

Yes, that's what is known as a 'sock puppet'. I don't think its very funny that they show them to small children though. That's wrong.

You know, if he stands up he is exactly at groin height. Why don't you buy him for the night as a gift for Lady R?

No, i think those are Walmart 7-pairs-for-a-dollar socks. If it truly was art, i doubt they would have used that sofa with the bad pattern in the background. You should look at more porn, Zen. Anyone can see that this pic is sheer erotic titilation.

Yes but then you might have to inhale soxygen - the stale odour that is emitted from dirty socks. No-one likes that. Except for dogs. They lick them.

I know where you are coming from - that is the ugliest sofa i have seen in a long time

I think you will find that these lay-dees are foot fetishists. Hey, it takes all types I guess. Just hope you don't get mixed up and put the cat in it by accident.

Tickersoid said...

No one in the history of the world, has ever, ever, shagged a cat. Think about it.

Cat, all claws, teeth and menacing hiss.

You're not gonna shag that now are you?

Sterculian Rhetoric said...

"...Gentleman, please understand that there is nothing less romantic than seeing you walk around butt naked with an erection and your socks on. ..."

You find that your gentleman callers walk around you with erections and wearing socks?
You may want to suggest that they share your bed instead.
Perhaps they require some good reading material and fear to tread, bare foot, on the condoms which litter your floor?

What of the bunny slippers?

Bugwit said...

It's a little known fact that Mickey Rooney was originally signed to play 'Dil' in The Crying Game. 'Ol Mick was willing to go the extra mile and all, but when the director heard what a crappy singer he is, they fired him.

Nice catch finding this out-take, Jane!

It's amazing how far some of these method actors are willing to go for a job. Notice the scorpion tattoo Forest Whitaker is sporting on his upper arm. The man just goes all out for his character.

Captain Smack said...

What if a sock is what you're having sex with? Is it ok to wear the other one on your foot? Or should you just kill yourself?

kelly ripafart said...

that picture has something for everyone, jane! i love gay interracial midget porn

ARM said...

I am dying that you put a poll on here. seirously, jane. too fucking funny.

No socks. That's my vote.

jungle jane said...

Plenty of people have shagged cats! They make sure they are dead first, though. Your description had me thinking though – actually that sounds a bit like me in bed. Have you been spying on me, Tickers??

You sound defensive. I can only assume that you are one of these sock wielding chappies. Trying to blame it on the bunny slippers doesn’t fool me for a second. Just take the socks off, Sterculian. It only takes 2 seconds. Seriously.

Oh, it wasn’t an out-take – I was there at the time with my camera. Mickey threw a fanny-wobble because the camera caught his bald spot and Forest got all stroppy and refused to gyrate his hips. Eventually I had to walk about waving a fake Oscar to re-ignite the passion. I think we all agree that the resulting visual was worth the effort, yeah?

I must say Smack the more I see you the more I am convinced that we would make a fantastic couple. I am open to a threesome with the sock and you Smack, as long as you promise not to try kiss me after you’ve gone down on the sock.

I am all about diversity you know. That’s why I included a fat guy – I am so over these pouty thin folk getting all airtime

Well I like to think that my blog is democratic. I don’t want to go convincing y’all that socks are bad when in fact it could be that socks are the next black. I am open to change, ARM. I can grow.

Bugwit said...

Yeah, Forest has long struck me as queer for oscars. Nice job that you realized it. Must have saved the production!

So then he flits off and finally gets his golden phalus for being the Last Queen in Scotland. As IF!

And did he thank you?

Actors. Jeesh.

~Babsbitchin~ said...

If he's packing, I don't care what he has on, a fucking ballerina tutu. But if he's not a total pkg., I agree, don't wear the socks, unless it is to make me wonder if he has gross feet. Then, I'll be thinking about that instead. What a revealing and astute observation. We are cutting edge, huh Jane?

Gorilla Bananas said...

Socks are foot condoms. Unprotected lesbian toe-sucking causes mouth infections, but macho girls like JJ say "it just doesn't feel the same, it's like paddling in Wellington boots". Irresponsible tart.

jungle jane said...

Oh god, Forest is SUCH a drama queen. First he was crapping on about Mickey’s trailer was bigger than his trailer, then he refused to let Mickey climb into his arse even thought the script specified (tasteful) dwarf entry. Next thing, I wave the golden statue in front of him and woooosh! Like magic he bends over. Poon.

Dude we are so on the trend. Like seriously – if you don’t have a large knob or sexy tutu then please make sure you have some seriously cute socks. My point entirely.

Ah, my dear gorilla. Always the voice of reason. Do you gorilla types never let go and enjoy the moment or are you always in James Bond like control? I am not macho, GB. I hurt inside. I am vulnerable. All this talk of toe sucking really isn’t helping me.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I wish you meant what you just wrote, JJ. Is there a new, cuddly Jane struggling to break out of the lycra bodysuit?

jungle jane said...

You have me all wrong, GB. What i really need is a hug.

Toby said...

Big Hug for Jane.

My favorite is "your pretty little feet on my shoulders." When re- reading that imagine a cute little kitten.

"if you want to get your rocks off you should definitely get your socks off" You're a poet. I don't even dream that stuff anymore.

josh williams said...

Catured for time, for our ancestors, how wonderfull. On the other hand so very fucking odd. Cheers JW

brookelina said...

Why do I keep coming here?

sausage said...

I would personally get off at an orgy where everyone only wore socks. It'd be comforting knowing they're not going to get cold or step in something yucky.

I voted for Forrest because he has his hand on Micky's shoulder. It's sweet.

zen wizard said...

This brings up an important question--who provides the obligatory couch for the porn locations?

Are the couches discarded after the shoot, or are they deloused, or what?

How come they don't have those plastic covers on the couches, like my grandma used to have on hers?

I mean, sometimes porn sets have a really nice, $1k leather couch in them, and the dude spooges on the leather couch.

Does the guy that really lives there just sit on the couch like nothing happened?

If you have a leather couch and you rent out your crib to a porn movie production team, I would greatly recommend you invest in some Armor All® when you get back from vacation. I would rather sit on Armor All® than crusted spooge and quiff juice any day of the week.

jungle jane said...

Thank you for recognizing my artistic sensitivity and offering the hug. May I squeeze your buns whilst we are interlocked?

My poetry is, of course, ironic. I don’t know where it comes from – it seems to well out of my soul like a soda fountain. It’s beautiful, man. Just beautiful.

Yes, a little piece of history that the whole world can enjoy. Much of history is odd, Josh. An academic and historian such as yourself will appreciate that. I hope you voted for the little man – despite his ugly socks

It’s a bit like crack cocaine. You probably tell yourself “just this one last time. tomorrow I will quit”. Thing is, tomorrow never comes, Brookelina. Your soul is mine. Give into it my child. You know you want to.

Remember that orgy we went to in LA where Ron Jeremy refused to remove his socks because of his ingrown toenails? I spent ages licking his toes through his socks and ended up with a bloody tongue. Ah, the memories.

These are very good points you raise and I advise anyone buying a second hand sofa to check carefully whether fucking has taken place on it. When buying a second hand sofa, check the cushions very carefully to make sure there are no snail trails or white stains. I suggest you sniff them carefully too.

Of course I would be proud to own a porn sofa. Stale jizz is memorablilia. That shit earns a fortune on eBay.

EBEZP said...

Your posts never cease to amaze me! Very soxy.

tony said...

.........Can i wear my sandals?

ChickyBabe said...

You're going to make me take a vow of celibacy!

I don't want t see socks or know about socks. When a man undresses, he has to be discreet. Get those damn things off because they're a total turn off!

~d said...

I was on another level all together when I (posted) that post!
how are you, my DEAR!

jungle jane said...

Welllll you found me a sexy pic of Axl Rose, so the least I could do was return the favour!!

Hmmmmmmm. Lemmme think……..No!

I completely agree! I have no idea why so many people are voting for the Smurf!!

The tea is ice cold over your place. Josh has failed me!

~d said...

Jane, I tried to make amends...

Andy Looney said...

You're right about the cold feet and the warm arse.

I always tell my wife she's the warmest thing I own.

mutleythedog said...

What about the vest? i can keep that on right? and the boxers...

Didn't the bald guy present Sky at Night?

wallycrawler said...

Ya the "Pink Sock" usually happens after ya "Donkey Punch" da ol'lady .

Hey J.J. ever get "Donkey Punched" during anal sex ?

Sterculian Rhetoric said...

"...Just take the socks off, Sterculian. It only takes 2 seconds. Seriously..."

Possibly, but then I will need to wash, dry and fold them. At which point the moment will be lost.

josh williams said...

So fucking odd. Keep em coming!

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

This is SO not what I meant when I said post some interracial pics...

Bugwit said...

You know what really grates me? Mickey and Forest probably had the exact same sized trailer, but it just seemed smaller was peeping through the windows at Mickey and jerking himself.

You'd think he'd save a little for the camera.

Butchieboy said...


La Muck said...

Jane, after seeing your poll, I worry about your readership. However, as a smurf myself this warms my, erm, cockles. Or should that be corns? Sexy as always...

Gledwood said...

oh that picture is disgusting! I thought that was a man fellating a woman .. except that is not possible ... ooo! ... ukk!


jungle jane said...

Awww thank you - I hope that was weed in the tea, not teabags?

Lets play a prank on Josh – we got to his house and swap ALL his oatmeal with cement, yeah??

Andy looney
Welcome! You need to get a cat. They are much warmer than wives. Keep your wife for important things like cooking and cleaning. Trust me – she will appreciate it.

Dude you sound like you are going to war. Bullet proof vests and hiring boxers. Chill, Multey. We are talking about sex here – you know – the thing you do in car parks and alleyways?

I don’t do anal sex wally. Nor do I do sex. I am just trying to be helpful for my readers that do indulge in such grossness. I am all about public service, me.

Fuck. Have you learned NOTHING from my blog? That’s what the woman is for!

jungle jane said...

Please don’t try to side-step the tea issue. You owe me warm tea, Josh. I have killed for less. You have been warned.

Yes well we are all about racial diversity, political commentary and social equality here on my blog. You should take a leaf out of my book, Ingsoc. George Orwell would have wanted you to have.

Wellll…actually we gave Mickey a Lego trailer. Mickey thought his trailer was cool, but in fact it was as tiny as him. Forest saw Mickey’s trailer and of course Mickey looked massive in the tiny trailer. He immediately thought Mickey got the good trailer and of course that’s when the bunfight started.

Showbiz. Fuck. Who needs it?

LOLLZIES! OMFG! TFF! I’m a pony called Tony! Watch me die!

The Smurf is a bit of awright, innit? don’t worry about my poll – people say one thing and mean another. Its not their time to face their urges. I know how Jesus felt, trying to convert the masses with a bit of bread and some lame fish.

Waaaa?? Omg we have sooooooooo different taste in arousing material. Sheees. I try to turn you on and you vomit? Fuck. Okay well my next post has a selection for everyone – seriously. Come back tomorrow – you won’t be disappointed.

josh williams said...

Warm tea for a hotee, no problemo.

barman said...

JJ does not do sex? Now I have nothing to live for!

As to the socks, they are off as soon as I hot the door so no problems there. Still I have a question. Is that all socks or are those half socks that you can not even see when you have a shoe on count? Just wanted to get it all figured out.

fingers said...

JJ, you're more than welcome to bring your sox to bed.
It'll only take me two minutes to knock them off for you...

Bugwit said...

Not me. No use for show biz or show folk.

Umm...can you introduce me to Allan Partridge?

I have a script I that I think he'd be perfect for.


ing said...

Oof, I can't look. Eyes averted.

Thanks for the compliment over at Matty's! Maybe I should blow dry. . .

Mone said...

I've heard that some people wear socks to hide dirty feet.
Personaly I'm not aroused by dirty stinky feet. So socks off for sure!

Denny Shane said...

I am a bit late for this article but if anyone cares... I don't wear socks... only if I wear a suit... Last time I wore a suit was... ummm... what year is it?

jungle jane said...

I like my tea like I like my men – milky with no sugar. Thank you.

Of course I don’t have sex, Barman! I have devoted my life to celibacy and enducating the masses. I can hardly educated 24/7 like I do now if I’m running about the place with a cock in my mouth, eh?

Fingers I am not interested in your feet – it’s that goddam sexy middle finger of yours I fantasize about at night.

My people called Alan’s people. He will meet you, but you need to bring a gift of sorts. What a shame you already gave your wedding ring to me – it would have been perfect.

You should blowdry! It will give Matty a cheap thrill and I am CERTAIN you will get the best seat in all the local cafes!

Yes exactly – and also to hide foot rot, carbuncles and warts. Disgusting, dirty bastards

You wear a suit to bed? You mean your birthday suit, right??

Mongrel Porksword said...

Jane, these pictures are repugnant, even by my standards.

I shall not dignify this poll with a response.

Your are free, however, to dignify my pole.

Flyinfox_SATX said...

I just went limp!


Drew said...

tis will give me nightmares!