20 June 2007


Okay I realize I am going to seriously piss the Iranians off, but fuck it. Someone has to tell them.

Look I know that this Salmon Rushdie geezer is one of yours and that you are proud of his achievements, but wake up and smell the coffee dudes…stop all of your jubilant fucking flag burning celebrations and national pride about his stoopid knighthoot - the dude is a majorly shit writer, okay?

Fuck, I can already feel those flames licking at my feet – but seriously you lot. You’ve spent the past 10 years awarding him with Fatwas. Why? Why? It’s not like he’s David Beckham or anything. Why do you continue to hero worship him? There are plenty more people that deserve one of them Fatwas. Like Mother Theresa. She came from your neck of the woods – where is her fekking Fatwa and debauched party?

It's not like me to be political or anything, but before you go bestowing lavish ass-licking honours on people like him I politely suggest that you actually try to read one of his books. They are B-O-R-I-N-G.

If I lived in Iran and paid taxes I would be seriously pissed.


fingers said...

Never mind that Rushdie cunt.
What the fuck am I supposed to do with these two dead pigs ??
The Pygmy King screwed me when he made a deal with the Japs, who converted the driver's seat from a '74 Camry into a throne for him...

jungle jane said...

Oh fuck. I forgot about the pigs.

Christ, sorry Fingers. Hey lets cut a deal - we'll sell the bacon to the Muslims and cut the profits, yeah?

fingers said...

Good plan.
We'll open an underground 'pork bar' in Tehran and get rich selling beer and bacon rind to the towel-heads...

jungle jane said...

good plan, Fingers. We'll put up heaps of Salmon Rushdie posters to draw the crowds in, yeah?

fingers said...

And hourly readings from 'Satanic Verses' to fire up the effigy concession booth...

jungle jane said...

oh don't be silly, Fingers. that's my whole point - that Satanic Verses shit is like where fun goes to die.

Fuck. I want this to be upbeat. Lets recite the bible and stage some honour killings instead....

fingers said...

That's MY whole point, Jane.
It's boring for us but it seems to fire those PLO goat-herders up plenty.
Bit like the problem I have with the apparent mysterious appeal of English soccer...

josh williams said...

Sir Rusdie, I have to think they were giving the middle finger to the fatwa and the holey war. Sir Rusdie, I have not read one novel of his... I am not sure I would want to be seen in public with him, I wonder what the UK spends on keeping him from being off-ed. Or is that the plan, off the Sir and then its bad press for the Fatwa, sticks and stones and all.A sensitive lot for a bunch of tough guys, I say we take Roscoes advice and send them a host of mine finding swine, as in pigs...All blowed up. I think the virgin reward has run its course, I would suggest that if you blow yourself up you will be rewarded with bottomless BLT sandwichs!

matty said...

You know, I tried to read that book for which so many wanted to kill him and I couldn't get thru it. I did enjoy his cameo in Briget Jones, tho!

...your picture makes me think of that opening scene in EXORCIST II where the possessed healer torches herself.

...i can almost hear the score of Morriconne (sp) blaring!!!

Bugwit said...

I just finished issuing a fatwa. I had to turn on the bathroom vent.

Die Muräne said...

aw, come on Jane, don't be so strict with them!! they just want to have some fun.
I think it's much better if the kids set some people and stuff on fire than they would hang around in the streets and smoke weed...

Gorilla Bananas said...

You don't have to go to Iran in person to tell them they're stupid cunts, JJ, your blog is already big over there. And wearing an orange wig won't get you laid in that part of the world, only orang-utans go for that shit. Pretend to be a virgin next time.

BEAST said...

Your right as usual JJ , that Satnic Verses was utter shite.
Can we have an Issue a fatwah competition , and a little light stoning......pleeeeease

garfer said...

Any man whose name sounds like a fish, or a shortened version of salmonella deserves to be toasted.

Having said that he did devise the word 'delectabubble' to advertise Aero chocolate.

Give the dude a break. he has a cute goatee.

jungle jane said...

I think they are aroused. Mebbe the Satanic Verses is Arabic porn and we just don’t geddit??

Let’s call our new venture Fatwas shall we? It’s a great name for a restaurant…

Sir Josh
Thought provoking stuff you raise my gentrified friend. I did a quick round of the neighbourhood as you suggested but was unable to locate any virgin pigs. Perhaps we can simply send Salmon and co pictures of blown up pigs?

Whaaaaaaaaaaat? You’ve not finished reading it? Man! You haven’t lived! I suggest you go out, buy it, read the whole thing and then give me a call – we should work together to adapt it as a screenplay. Give it some thought and get back to me when you have finished reading it. Twice.

I hope you didn’t light a match, Bug. This is how these arab chaps set themselves on fire, you know. Drop their guts, light a fag and whoosh! We have an effigy!

Die Murane
Yes but the problem is that they then go on to worse activities. They start off with burning a nice effigy and then they get onto the harder stuff and the next thing you know your kid has turned into a suicide bomber.

I just want to warn them that when that rushdie chappie becomes the ayatollah they are going to have to read his horrible books. They are so busy throwing parties for him I don’t think they have actually taken the time to read his putrid drivel. This is a public service announcement, like

Yes! Lets do it! I betchya my fatwa is bigger than your fatwa. I nominate Mutley as my first fatwa nominee. Your turn now!

I want to know how a man that looks like a pygmy can not only get laid by hot chicks, but also has the whole of iran idolizing him. Its just not right.

DirtyBitchSociety said...

I tried to read his book, years ago and was bored to tears. I remember thinking what the hell all the hullabaloo was about?
Now, you tell 'em like it is sister.

Mone said...

I think I missed out on something here, who the fuck is Salmon Rushdie? Never heard of him! He is a writer? If anyone has his book(s) laying around and doesnt need it anymore, I would be happy to read it and put in my shit. Please send one over!

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Don't worry Jane.

I'm sure you'll get a fatwa if you try hard enough.

Ratty. said...

Who do these fuckers think they are? We lent them Mr Bob Woolmer to help them along with their game of cricket and they choked the fat git in his bathroom. My mother used to say never trust, or take your hat off to a man who can not recite word perfect cricket Law 14 (Declaration and forfeiture). That don't apply any more - the world is now a difficult place to navigate.

josh williams said...

A bit off subject but I think its time you explored feederism.Don't knock it...

jungle jane said...

You know, I don’t even think he’s read his book. Seriously. I think he got a bunch of words, threw them in a bag, mixed them up and got his secretary to type up the result. And for that he gets the love of the whole of Iran. Shees.

Salmon Rushdie is a dude named after a fish that writes shit poetry. I can’t send you the book because I used it to wipe my arse.

I am ALWAYS overlooked when it comes to awards, honours and accolades, Ingsoc. I fear I will never get my fatwa wings. Buts that’s okay – I am happy to live in the sidelines unappreciated.

Yeah I know! And then they tried to cover it up by pretending it was match fixing! Fucking bastards – no wonder they only reached the semi finals of the world cup

Far from being off subject, I think that Stuffing and Gaining are highly relevant. It just needed a man of science like you to point it out to the rest of us.

zen wizard said...

If I was a mullah, I would issue a fatwah that everyone should do a bong hit and mellow out.

I think the idea that women should wear veils sometimes has merit--there are some skanky-assed ugly b!tches out there.

But who decides who is a skank and who is hot? A lot of times a dude will introduce me to his wife, and I would not fuck her with Rin Tin Tin's dick.

So it's all very subjective...

Bugwit said...

Little known fact: Fatwa is actually Carribbean in origin.

I had a Jamaican frind in college that was allways telling me to not be so stingy and "roll a Fatwa, man!"

jungle jane said...

I think you are very wise and would make a great president of iran. I wouldn’t want to wear the veil though because it would be too hard to smoke cigarettes. I am not sure how I would smoke the bong either.

I used to think a fatwa referred to men with impressive penis girl. Now I know it’s the Iranian equivalent of a knighthood. I learned all this on the internet. I am now enlightened.

Old Knudsen said...

The things I say on my blog and I can't even get flagged never mind a Fatwa.

I went out with a gurl who had a fatwa, I was like a bee in a jar.

Vagina Dentata said...

I think the Beatified Teresa of Calcutta is Romanian. She used to catch and cook hedgehogs when she was a wee Traveller lass in County Cork.
I do love smoked salmon though.

Thomas said...

Yeah, seems to be a pretty angry place.

Chris said...

Over bacon butties and a large beer or 2 last night, my good Muslim friend (I wont mention his name here, Fatwa's and all that) mentioned that he agreed with the Fatwa, but only because his books are seriously fucking crap. So there you go, from the horses mouth so to speak.

Tickersoid said...

I'm not up on the middle east.

What's a fatwus?

Is it like Christopher Biggins?

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Poor Jane.

Look, if you really want, I can come over with some petrol and a blowtorch...

It might make you feel part of the fun.
The offers there...

jungle jane said...

My point exactly! I pay my taxes! Why can’t I get a fatwa?

Vagina Dentata
Wooooah. Hang on a sec – since when did mother theresa have anything to do with bestiality? Fuck, I didn’t know that. They should remove her knighthood.

No I don’t think its anger…I think its excitement. Like on New Years Eve just before the fireworks go off

Horses eat bacon? I didn’t know that. I love learning new stuff.

No me neither. I only learned of all this last night. I can teach you though – the arabs have a similar system to us Poms whereby they celebrate their heroes. It’s a bit like the Oscars. Its called a Fatwa. It’s a great honour.

Thank you. I appreciate the gesture – really, I do. The flames won’t fuck up my hair or anything, will they? I just spent ages blowdrying…

EBEZP said...

Salmonella Rusty! Didn't he used to be on TISWAS?

Jenny! said...

Your hair looks great, what kind of products do you use???

BEAST said...

I issue a fatwa on Mr C AND Old Knudsen......can we do abit of stoning now , go on i bet you cant kncok Fingers off his chair with one rock

jungle jane said...

No, silly. He’s some dude who writes poetry. No-one reads it though – it’s a bit like the bible

Oh thank you – I was worried I might be damaging my hair with all the heat. Hairdryers are so bad for your shine, gawd only knows what being burnt at the stake will do. My secret to lovely hair is making sure the colour of the flames matches my tint.

Ohhhhhhhh this is sooo exciting! Let’s go choose our stones! I’m going to opt for flat boulders with a slightly sharpened end. I’ve been watching “The Life of Brian” all afternoon to perfect my moves. You’re on, Beastie! Who are we going to use as warm-up target practice?

Toby said...

Before I die I want to burn someone in effigy.

mutleythedog said...

I would quite like a fatwa as well JJ?I think

zen wizard said...

If I was mullah I would issue a fatwa that you could have a hole constructed in your burkha so you could do bong hits.

And, um, ply your other talents...

I missed this "Sir Salmon Rushdie" knighthood ceremony. Geez, they knight EVERYONE in England nowadays. If a Boy Scout wins the Pinewood Derby, he gets knighted. If a janitor cleans three floors of a highrise office building for three months with no complaints, he gets knighted.

Give me the old days, when you had to slay the dragon and keep Guinevere's chastity belt key in a safe place and not lose it. Back then, you had to really ACCOMPLISH something.

Sterculian Rhetoric said...


Letter number one:

Dearest He of the Holy See,
Below please find a verbatim transubstantiation of the penultimate sentence of verse 40 of your most recent Encyclical Letter " Deus Caritas Est ".

"The figures of saints such as Francis of Assisi, Ignatius of Loyola, John of God, Camillus of Lellis, Vincent de Paul, Louise de Marillac, Giuseppe B. Cottolengo, John Bosco, Luigi Orione, Teresa of Calcutta to name but a few--stand out as lasting models of social charity for all people of good will."

Please forgive me my impertinence, your Eminence, sorry; your Holiness, but I am in a state of confusion. With a contrite heart, I wonder if you; The Vicar of Christ, would suffer to enlighten me, a mere lamb of the flock, regarding this misunderstanding I have concerning the heretofore unbeknownst to me announcement of the conferring of Sainthood upon Teresa of Calcutta.

I am aware of the Beatification of Teresa of Calcutta on October 19, 2003, a most holy of holy occasions. A title bestowed upon a most worthy recipient. Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta, foundress of the Holy Order of the Sisters of Little or no Mercy, taken from us to the bosom of the Lord in that fateful 'Year of Death, 1997'. The year where we lambs of the flock lost: "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly ". (1)

My query is divine in it's simplicity: "When the fuck was Teresa of Calcutta canonised?" What is this papist cuntery? You jack booted, goose stepping, Hitler Youth wanking, altar boy diddling, rump ranger. Fuck me from behind with a solid gold ecclesiastical catechism! So much for papal infallibility. (2)

Habemus Papam, my big fat red Baboon arse. Habemus Pudendam, more like.

Yours in God
Bilious C. Pudenda

P.S. Excommunicate that you cunt!

(1) Lady Diana Spencer (The Good), Mobutu Sese Seko (The Bad) and Mother Teresa (The Ugly)
(2) I am aware that the doctrine of papal infallibility does not apply in this context, but, what the fuck? It works in the post.

Letter number two

Hamshari Daily,
Attention: Cartoon Editorial Staff

To Whom It May Concern,
Please accept the attached cartoon as my entry in your much lauded "Make Fun of the Holocaust" cartoon contest. I trust that I am not too late.

I think that you will agree that my effort is in keeping with both the letter and spirit of your Government's recent pronouncements concerning the authenticity of the Holocaust and whether it actually took place.

I must say, this endeavour is a rather gutsy move on your part. To promote a contest involving the caricaturing of an event that your own leadership denies even occured is tantamount to 'pissing into the wind'.
Allah willing, you may live to see next Ramadan.

Yours in Mohammed (Halloweened be his Name)

Bilious C. Pudenda

P.S. You Farsi cunts!

Sterculian Rhetoric said...

The cartoon was a blank page.

Get it?

Sadly, I actually sent these letters in the post.
I am a cunt and an half, I am.

DirtyBitchSociety said...

He shit in a bag and threw it together. I wonder if I did that, would I get a fancy pants woman like he has? twist in the wind. She'll stay for a minute but move on, when it's time to take his money.

I had to check out Josh Williams. My step-grandsons name is the same and I thought omg, he's in bed with Jane. Of course, I'd give my blessings, ya know. but he's a marine, they go deep in the jungle first.

fingers said...

Jane, I need to make some fast money. I still owe plenty after my Muslim Rehab Clinic went broke...

brookelina said...

You look different, have you had some work done?

tony said...

i havnt read any of is books either..........!
where do they get them thur Effigies from ?They most go through tens of thousands each year.

I think i will move to Iran & open up a business "Effigies-R-US" i would make a bomb...............A Real Killing.....

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

They will dry it faster.
And you won't need to use the sunbed for a bit.

jungle jane said...

That sounds awesome. Let me know when your ceremony will take place – I could make a buck by setting up a marshmallow stand next to it.

Of course. You deserve to be honoured. Its your year of honours – firstly your blog award and now this. Beastie and I would like to start stoning you now, if you would kindly keep still, ta.

Oh good thinking. Perhaps you could also arrange for two holes around the chest area? It seems like a shame that my shapely rack will be hidden under all that fabric.

We have long given up slaying dragons, Zen. Times have moved on – our “work for the dole” schemes no longer involve maidens, chastity belts or dragon slaying. Now our dole bludgers simply turn up and collect their giro cheque every Thursday.

Of course you have a right to free speech, but I am not sure that you should be slagging off Mother Theresa who, as we all know, was declared one of the Seven Wonders of the Modern World after she died. I dunno what ‘canonised’ and all that other shit you were writing about means, but let me tell you that Mother Theresa must be a very special chick if they went so far as to replace her in status where the Hanging Gardens of Babylon used to be. Its not easy to become a Wonder of the Modern World. I also think you are confused about the goose stepping. Your letter is addressed to the pope, however EVERYONE knows that it was Hitler that did the goose stepping.

You really should brush up on your history you know.

I do like your cartoon though. It spoke to me. I’m going to ignore the bit about Ramadan though – it puts a downer on boozy lunches.

jungle jane said...

Oh well that sounds easy. I have just shat in a bag and am looking forward to my knighthood. I will even take Rushdie’s bird when she tires of him.

You should visit Josh Williams often. He is a man of mystery and a science. An academic. He and I once saved the world . True fact.

Fuck dude. What went wrong? That’s almost as lame as opening a water stall in the desert and then going bankrupt. I can only think that you were taking the drugs yourself instead of dispensing them to your in-patients

Other than getting burnt at the stake like Jesus Christ….um…lemme think…nope. I gained some weight though – does it show?

Nobody has read his books! Of this I am certain! Not even the queen! I like your effergy idea. I think they would sell like hot cakes. Ha ha! I said “hot cakes”. Ha ha! Geddit?

This could be the answer to all women’s grooming nightmares. You should have marketed this idea! You total genius!

wallycrawler said...

I had an Iranian gal friend before , Muslim too . Man could she suck cock ! She said she loved that my dick was large , circumcised & clean . She was use'ta the little anteater penises of the Iranian men who would never shower . She would never fuck any Muslim guys , just suck'em off , cause they would sequel to her family afterward if she broke-up with em .

OK that's my throw at Iran & heroworshipping .

DirtyBitchSociety said...

We'll share the bird with a nice white wine, alright?

Sterculian Rhetoric said...

Teresa of Calcutta will be canonised.
J. Hunter Thompson was cannonised.

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

We just need a slogan...

How about 'Fatwas- Making you burn with desire'?

BEAST said...

I chhose Mr Mutley as I bet he screams like a girl
Run Mutley

Captain Smack said...

I wish they would put fatwas out on writers more often. Like Dean Koontz, for example. There're a whole bunch of writers we could weed out.

mutleythedog said...

I once snogged a muslim bloke - no its true...

jungle jane said...

I did not know that Iranian men had anteater knobs. I find this arousing. I am glad your ex-girlfriend is done with them – I am going to book a ticket to iran immediately armed with a Dummies Guide To Anteaters. Thank you for the tip-off. Happy days.

Yes of course. But what are we going to do with this large bag of fresh, steaming shit?

Right. And what about me? Surely I deserve to be shot out of a canon?

I like that! We can make badges that say “a fatwa in the hand is worth two in the bush”. Fuck dude, I think we are onto something here

Heyyyyyyyyyy! I already chose Mutley! What do you say we share? 10 stones each?

Yeah! Let’s start with that Jesus Christ dude. He wrote the bible – fuck, he ought to be crucified!

No, that was a goat. Seriuosly. We wrapped a towel around its head and got it to wiggle its arse in front of you. Me and Beastie set the whole prank up. We thought it was HILARIOUS when you asked it to talk dirty to you

Sterculian Rhetoric said...

Indeed, my poppet.

ARM said...

That picture pretty much rules...

Toby said...

I first have to see who gets burnenated and if they taste good with Graham, the cracker. There's that wild lady who tried to bring a gun into her office, she'll bring the mallow. I don't plan on dying anytime too soon, but I'm sure to die sometime soon. With a hardon for someone. Think Grilled Cheese.

ChickyBabe said...

I never knew JJ was a witch!

Flyinfox_SATX said...

Glad to see you are in no way political. Now hurry up and get your burka on and lets go.....


Crushed by Ingsoc said...

So we're advertising your burning bush?

I can see why religous fendamentalists with blow drying problems will love it.

Mongrel Porksword said...

A burning Jane makes me hard.

Lady Muck said...

Jane, when the 109 year old billionaire I will be screwing dies at climax, I am go to offer you large amounts of cash to publish a book of these. A collection of educationimical book of your wisdom for school children. The world would be a much better place.