28 June 2007
Screwing the crew
Having a relationship with someone you work with is as pointless as blowing the devil to ensure you get a place in heaven. Whilst the workplace may seem like a dating agency that pays you to use it, work dalliances can be disastrous for career girls even if you follow the casting couch rule of only ever shagging upwards.
Although romance in the workplace usually either ends in a marriage or a lawsuit when an office affair becomes a problem, it’s usually the woman who falls on the career sword. It is for this reason that your romance should be conducted by stealth.
Dipping your pen in the company ink is hardly surprising – most companies hire people with similar social outlooks and levels of education. Getting to know your colleagues is more natural than in a social context - unlike bars and nightclubs most people are usually sober at work. This obviously does not apply to the porn industry.
The type of job you do often dictates whether or not you are likely to mix emotions and hormones within the office cubicle – one would imagine that many people aspire to work in Corporate Affairs just because the name of the department alone implies sex. You are less likely to hook up with anyone working In IT – these folk have long since forgotten how to interact with living creatures.
As a women there is a limit to how many office affairs you can have without being labelled as a saddle, whilst men of course can work their way through the entire office (nothing gay though) and still get their ass promoted regularly. Try to limit yourself to no more than one fling and one long term relationship.
Your office is the place where you make the magic buttons that pay the bills and romancing in the workplace is like playing with a lighter in a sea of gasoline. Use common sense – don’t do it on the photocopier for example. Not even in an ironic way. Realise that your boss is unlikely to be happy for you either (unless your boss is your new bedbuddy). Even if you are not distracted they will assume that you are and they will watch you more closely for lengthy visits to the stationery cupboard.
The bottom line is that cupid makes you stupid and you want to think very carefully before you mix your spreadsheets with your bedsheets. Consider the breakup – Do you really like all of your exes enough that you wouldn’t mind working with them on a daily basis? Thought not…
27 June 2007
JJ vs Big Brother
It has come to my attention that there is a new program on television called Big Brother. During this show, cameras are trained on people doing fuck all and then they become famous.
Fuck. I can do that. In addition, I can actually communicate with my audience – I don’t see these television folk answering comments.
I intend sitting about working with the cameras trained on me for the whole day today and therefore by this time tomorrow I will be very famous.
I might have to perform a few tricks in order to earn my fame. I don’t have any housemates to fellate or anything, but I am prepared to lick the vagina of the mannequin behind me and I am sure my cat will be prepared to put in an appearance and wash his arse for you.
Your fame-seeking-whore requests will be considered however please bear in mind that I am working and therefore cannot pierce anything, kill stuff or make bombs.
25 June 2007
Personal ads for knobsWellhung69
Hang your hat on my hook
Well I might not be an oil painting but I’m definitely not bad looking either. Looks aren’t everything, are they? It’s what is inside you that counts, and I would like to be inside you.
I’m biosexual, so if you are male and think you can take all of me, drop me a line. I am willing to lie about how we met if you are catholic.
Ladies if you have a ‘slim’ build, sorry but if I wanted someone with no tits I would have dated one of the many gay men hit on me constantly. I’m looking for the whole package - If you are fat, that’s okay so long as you have a tight twat.
I like all pets, particularly kittens. My heart just melts for kittens.
No assholes or faggots
I want a short term relationship or will consider a long term relationship if the right person has chemicals and chemistry. No friendships. I don't need no goddamn friends.
I love sport, especially watersports. I also like rugby (couch), hockey (tonsil), diving (muff) and shooting (jizz). I can't stand movies or picnics or the beach. The last album I bought was Death on the Road by Iron Maiden. Don’t fucking ask me to take you to the movies.
My Miss Perfect will be toothless but I am open to removable dentures. My perfect date would include getting hammered in a titty club while you pickpocket drunks at the bar.
No Fake fakes. I haven’t fucking got time. I have a snake that needs milking, I aint got no time for bullshit.
Life is short and so am I
Hey how are you? How’s it going? I'm pretty new to this but thought I'd give it a go. I don’t go out much so i thought I’d give this a try. Gosh where do I start? This is so hard! I haven’t done this before! But here goes. This is really the difficult bit!
Well I’m a bit shy until you get to know me and then I really come out of my shell. And I have my own hair.
If you want to know anything more, just ask!
If I sound like what you are looking for, drop me a line! Email me!! What have you got to lose?! Get in touch, yeah?
I love to eat out!!!!
Hi I’m Nutcracker and as you can see I’m a twin!!! (I’m the one on the left by the way, LOLLLzzzz)
Me: GSOH, N/S, S/D. WLTM BDSM SWM asap. dont like BS, STDS, and HIV's.
You: SWF or BiF, DDF, looking for F/T F2F encounters. BBW need not apply – sorry, I like my women phat, not fat ROTFLMFAO!!!
I love reading – just finished ‘Who Moved My Cheese’. I also like snuggling and double dates. Did I mention I like snuggling? PMSL!!!
A JJ in your bush is worth two in my hand
Well people say I can be cocky, but that’s more down to my bellend implant packing a big dose of attitude. She’s like a Pez dispenser, only way hotter.
If you want to hook up with me you will need be approved by my JJ Hood and let me tell you, she aint quiet. No sense in putting my own likes here – you’ll have to impress the stroppy shrew if you want to fool around with me.
She likes cactii, dwarves, trannies, weed, pills, speed and vitamin B injections into my bollocks.
If you don’t enjoy drinking, smoking, drugs and pornography please don’t apply – she will only keep me awake all night with her bitching, whining and horrible demands.
22 June 2007
Whilst it is almost impossible to orgasm if you have cold feet it is equally difficult to become aroused if your partner refuses to remove their socks. Even if you having a quickie and are fully clothed, if you want to get your rocks off you should definitely get your socks off.
If you suffer from cold feet you should defrost them up by placing them on your partner’s nice warm arse. Alternatively, you can encourage your cat to sleep on your bed so that he can provide warmth to your toes while you are getting it off with your loved one. If your loved one is the cat, I suggest that you do not have sex with him – you would have nothing to keep your feet warm with.
Ladies, you might be tempted to keep your socks on in order to keep your partner’s ears warm. Forget that immediately - It is more in your interests to suggest that he use your inner thighs. Gentleman, please understand that there is nothing less romantic than seeing you walk around butt naked with an erection and your socks on.
The only circumstance under which it is acceptable to wear socks in bed is if you need a decoy. Ladies with a face like a slapped arse or gentlemen afflicted with a tiny cock can easily divert their partner’s attention away from these areas and onto the feet by wearing a nice bright pair of socks. Gay people, please be aware that a pink sock is in fact a prolapsed rectum and should never worn on your feet.
Of course all of this is subjective and we do live in a democracy. My helpful poll will help the whole world to settle the argument for once and for all. Vote for your life, kids. You know it’s the right thing to do.
20 June 2007
HeroworshippingOkay I realize I am going to seriously piss the Iranians off, but fuck it. Someone has to tell them.
Look I know that this Salmon Rushdie geezer is one of yours and that you are proud of his achievements, but wake up and smell the coffee dudes…stop all of your jubilant fucking flag burning celebrations and national pride about his stoopid knighthoot - the dude is a majorly shit writer, okay?
Fuck, I can already feel those flames licking at my feet – but seriously you lot. You’ve spent the past 10 years awarding him with Fatwas. Why? Why? It’s not like he’s David Beckham or anything. Why do you continue to hero worship him? There are plenty more people that deserve one of them Fatwas. Like Mother Theresa. She came from your neck of the woods – where is her fekking Fatwa and debauched party?
It's not like me to be political or anything, but before you go bestowing lavish ass-licking honours on people like him I politely suggest that you actually try to read one of his books. They are B-O-R-I-N-G.
17 June 2007
Happy Fathers DayI’m so fucking tired of the lack of pornography on the internet. It’s hardly as if I'm into anything weird like, it’s just that the internet is completely fucking crap.
As a public service and a gesture of goodwill on Father’s Day I hope you enjoy my humble offering of erotic art. I’m nice like that – always looking out for my fellow human beings. At least now you won’t have to spend your entire week trawling about the internets for stimulation yourselves, innit?
Sexier than sex itself, the most satisfying site on the whole of the interweb is of course gimpsgonewild.com, your one-stop-shop for disabled material. Oh, the money I spend there! More than just your usual old Cerebral Palsy offering, here you will find amputees (sub categories disease, trauma and tumours), Arthrogryposis sufferers and even nekkie Spina Bifida totty. Go there now. With your credit card. You won’t regret it.
Now I am not sure what is worse – walking in on your grandparents having sex or them walking in on you. Either way, if you are curious to know what the aged get up during retirement, there is plenty of erotic material available on grannysex.com (most of the snatch looks a bit like tanned leather, but it’s amazing how horny some of those senile dementia chicks are) and of course in the bible. Sorry, I can’t be arsed to look up exactly where it is in the bible but it's bound to be there somewhere.
Don’t try this at home, kids. Your dad will not be happy if you burn his car out. Perfect for junkies who get a boner at the sight of all that chrystal meth and don't mind having to dispose of the occassional overdose victim.
Oh, how I long to have a penis! I have vowed to myself that my next boyfriend must own a maggot farm – if I can’t dip my own non-existent knob in a vat full of crawlies I am sure that the man of my dreams can. Hopefully he will pay careful attention to foreskin hygiene – imagine how hilarious it would be if he didn’t clean properly and hatched a batch of fruit flies?
15 June 2007
Swap shopRight, it’s time to sweep out the old and make way for the new as I present to you Jungle Jane’s inaugural "Swap My Shit For Your Shit" weekend. This is your chance to own invaluable Jungle Jane memorabilia – certain to be collector’s items in years to come – and my chance to own a little piece of you.
I have 3 items that I am prepared to offer up for your pleasure – browse at your leisure and decide which one you want the most. I am prepared to swap these 3 items (individually) for something that you no longer require but you think I would like to own. Please note not that this is a fuck around – you will have to post your item to me (so it shouldn’t be too bulky) to the UK and you will need to email me your proper name and address so I can post you my item.
Please submit your proposed swap item ideas (you may make as many suggestions as you like) and I will decide who gets what. Please do not suggest livestock or your relatives.
My items for swap are:
One pair of my knickers (g-string, lacy). Please state whether you want them soiled or not. The knickers will not be wrapped in tissue or anything fancy like that, however if you want them soiled I can post them to you in a plastic bag to retain moistness
“ToyJoy Perfect Partner”
Strapon (6" non vibrating) only used twice in lesbian romps. Can be cleaned prior to dispatch if required. Currently an ornament on my mantelpiece, this will make a great present, decoration or belt. Oh and you can use it as a strap-on too. Reason for discarding: have upgraded to a sturdier model.
I no longer require my daughter, Pixie Sprinkle. Please note that your item for swap needs to be sentimental to you – I’m not swapping my kid for a piece of shit.
Item: My knickers
Swap: His recently-no-longer-required-wedding-ring
Swap: Figurine of a wolf anally entering a maiden
Swap: One signed soiled photo of Ron Jeremy
I suggest all you winners leave a tearful acceptance speech and contgratulate each other on your blogs.
12 June 2007
DietsTrue fact: Fat people are hard to kidnap.
Unfortunately there are many negative stereotypes that are commonly associated with fat people such as the belief that they are lazy, evil and smell like stale milk. Even Jesus hates fat people - gluttony is one of the 7 deadly sins, as is greed and sloth.
As a svelte size 20 myself I am here to help you to stop eating all the African kids’ food and slim yourselves down so that you are as slender and alluring as me. Men might say that they like a woman with a bit of meat, but frankly I don’t see many of them living in a butchery.
Your first step in practising girth control is to admit that you are a total porker – an individual who has to use a mirror to observe your own genitalia. Denial is your biggest obstacle – many fat people will insist that they eat like birds. Big fat giant birds maybe.
Crash diets are fantastic for quick weight loss, however the human body responds to starvation by decreasing metabolism and leaving the dieter feeling lethargic and fatigued. Well don’t let that stop you from starving yourself – you can easily increase your metabolism by mixing heaps of amphetamine in a nice cup of tea. Cigarettes are also an excellent way of suppressing your appetite and if you are serious about eliminating the hail damage on your arse you should definitely take up smoking. Your body will thank you for it.
For a quick extra boost a handful of laxatives are not only a safe way of shedding a pound a or two but they have the added benefit of being chocolate flavoured. Make sure you never take laxatives and sleeping pills on the same night though.
Watching what you eat is essential if you want to be slim like me – you are way better off counting your calories than counting your chins. Eating lots of vegetables needn’t be a chore! I always ensure that I fry my chips in vegetable oil for example – potato is one of your recommended daily vegetable portions and the vegetable oil is another. Even better still if you eat loads of frozen food such as ice cream and vodka – frozen stuff contains no calories at all because calories are units of heat.
Talking of vodka, crackpot scientists seem to think that alcohol stacks the pounds on. No problem – simply skip your breakfast and lunch. Always remember that walking is a step in the right direction – walk to the pub instead of driving. Don’t walk too quickly though – you really want to avoid gaining muscle as it is heavier than fat and clearly defeats the objective of you trying to lose weight. At closing time, take care not to blow it with your late night take-away by only ordering diet coke with your fried chicken.
If all else fails and you really cannot slim down you should consider surgery. If you haven’t got much disposable cash, simply swallow a whole bunch of staples and immediately do 50 swift sit-ups.
Finally, please do not try to sue me if you cannot lose weight. The last person who tried that ended up with his arse looking like maggots. Thank you.
08 June 2007
Happy thoughtsYesterday I was chatting up some posh Cambridge toff (I was hoping to get him drunk and blow him in the toilets if you must know) when he suggested to me that I seem to be someone who is hating on a heck of a lot of stuff. “Well excuse me, Mr High and Mighty” I thought to myself as his chances of deepthroat disappeared faster than you can say “cricket is for pansies”.
It did get me thinking though and as a result I have decided to be cheery, positive and upbeat for a whole 24 hours. I have subsequently spent some time quietly reflecting on the many things in life that fulfill me spiritually and I have concluded that I don’t give enough credence to the joy I feel in my soul when I see a butterfly dancing in the spring sunshine or a cute kitten under the wheels of a large truck. Well enough of that, I say! Today I will be celebrating in a most positive manner the unsung hero of the human body….Rectums, This Is Your Life!
The asshole is as common as a Beatles record – everyone has one. It is also a highly erotic sexual organ, unless you are the Queen who has openly admitted to having an anus horribilis. The asshole is not to be confused with the Asshole of the World, which is another word for Iran. If you keep getting them confused, just remember – Iran is not covered in hair, although it does have its own fair share of shit.
Mainly used to expel waste matter (faeces, dogs, apples) from the body, the anus is also increasingly used as a handbag - an estimated 280,000 objects are removed surgically from rectums worldwide each year. The most common object retrieved is a vibrating mobile phone. Microwaved lemons and smoking hot bananas are of course the most pleasurable objects to insert up your turdcutter so it can only be assumed that their popularity is on the decline because they don’t vibrate.
The sphincter is the part of your asshole that helps you make Elvis tunes when you toot. Amusingly, the word ‘sphincter’ is also the singular noun of the large half-human, half-lion statue popular with tourists in Egypt, although the Egyptian tourist board usually play this fact down in their history books. The key to maintaining an alluring rusty bullet-wound is regular kegal exercises to enhance your elasticity - leaky bowels lead to unattractive skidmarks and if you wear the same pants for more then two days in a row are you likely to develop ass plaque.
A well groomed anus is a happy anus. Waxing might not feel very nice, but well done you for your attention to detail. Don’t stop there though - everyone who has an ass can benefit from anal bleaching, the process whereby your balloon knot is lightened for a more youthful appearance. While you are there, consider a treatment of botox too – nobody wants a asshole that looks like a 60 year old smoker’s mouth, right?
Man this positive thinking lark is uplifting. What do you say we do it more often, yeah?
04 June 2007
CyclingAlthough cycling is a healthy pursuit that keeps the youth off the streets it seems to me that our country is drowning in a sea of these childish, flimsy appliances bearing huffy types nodding at each other politely. All that yapping on about the environment blah blah makes me want to kick their carbon asses with my carbon footprint.
I’m not sure what it is these folk learn when they take their driving tests, but the highway code does not seem to be terribly significant. Cyclists seem to view traffic lights and pedestrian crossings as suggestions, and the only hand signal I've ever seen them use involves their middle finger or a shaking fist.
Cyclists do not pay road taxes yet ironically they seem to think that they are still legally allowed to ride on the streets. It seems to me that we would all be a heck of a lot safer if they stuck to riding on pavements. Indeed I have recently been re-training my dog to ignore old people and start chasing cyclists instead. I’m sure we all agree that the pavements are far safer for my dog than the road.
I don’t actually know anyone who rides a bicycle but I am sure that if I did I wouldn’t like them. My friends do not tuck their pants into their socks and none of them would forgo the purchase of a sofa in order to save the space in the lounge room for their bicycle. What type of human being hits the tar at 25mph and immediately leaps up to make sure that their bike is okay? These folk enjoy being knocked over by trucks – they view it as an opportunity to upgrade their accessories.
So what to do about the bicycle problem? Nothing, people! That is why busses were invented.
I am done with cycling now. I feel quite exhausted.