It has come to my attention that there is a new program on television called Big Brother. During this show, cameras are trained on people doing fuck all and then they become famous.
Fuck. I can do that. In addition, I can actually communicate with my audience – I don’t see these television folk answering comments.
I intend sitting about working with the cameras trained on me for the whole day today and therefore by this time tomorrow I will be very famous.
I might have to perform a few tricks in order to earn my fame. I don’t have any housemates to fellate or anything, but I am prepared to lick the vagina of the mannequin behind me and I am sure my cat will be prepared to put in an appearance and wash his arse for you.
Your fame-seeking-whore requests will be considered however please bear in mind that I am working and therefore cannot pierce anything, kill stuff or make bombs.
169 comments:
This is almost as boring as BB.
Can't you gurn or something?
Maybe do some handstands or stuff with a feather boa?
How long is it going to be before someone asks you to do something that will compromise your integrity?
I don't think integrity comes into it Lucien. Besides, it's a very small price to pay for all the fame that will be coming my way...
Fame is as fame does... My Uncle Louis became momentarily famous after leaving the lavatories on the London-Edinburgh overnight without doing up his buttons properly. Lucky for him his cousin Jolien was sitting that week.
Fantastic. I'll take my pants off immediately. Uncle Lois deserved his moment in the spotlight...
You'll have to finger yourself as well, JJ, haven't you looked at any of the webcam girls on the site I gave you? There's no point giving you all this stuff if you just ignore it.
GB my lovely I am furiuosly fingering myself as we speak. And thanks for the bananas you sent me to use as props - what a shame my camera doesn't extend to below my shoulders...
Please Jane... you will have me disturbed. If I were to be caught sitting here in my kimono, casually toying with myself, I feel sure that would be asked to leave the library.
Oh no Jane! That's amazing... you must do Kegel exercises. Mutley is going to be besides himself when he reads these posts and realizes what he missed witnessing!
Can you do that thing with the chianti bottle again?
No don't fill it!
Ouch! Do you need a doctor?
Oh..! Thank God! I thought we had seen the last of that!
Make sure you give it a wipe.
Hahahahahaha how was that, Lucien? Christ, i hope i didn't break the top off the champagne bottle?
A blogging first. Live Kegal....
ohhhh nooooo....My photo of Mutley is completely soaked now. I have ink all over my twat....
I think Mr Honeywell the librarian was about to ask me to leave, but he seems to have changed his mind and gone straight back to his office.
That is ink..? Thank the lord I thought you had a twat the same colour as a Doberman Pincher.
But you could do with a touch of anal bleeching.
Oh! Sorry! I've just zoomed in on the web cam. i see now that's erm... didn't your mother tell you to always wipe back?
That is ink..? Thank the lord I thought you had a twat the same colour as a Doberman Pincher.
I had no idea you were such an expert in pubic grooming Lucien!!
I don't have a twat the same colour as a doberman - that was in fact a real doberman aiding my rise to fame...
Oh yikes you are right. It is shit. Lemme use the doberman to wipe - it will blend with his fur. No-one will ever know...
Oh ho! I see! You are a fraud! Close up of the face, then a Doberman stunt double for all the gynaecological
deatil.
And I thought by the way that little stump of a tail was wagging that you were enjoying a multiple orgasm.
Huh. Angelina Jolie uses a body double, but I don't see you complaining about that....
I bet the stunt double doesn't get paid in 'Bounce' either.
So long as you don't get confused in the heat of the moment, and use the Doberman for the facial shots, and yourself for the penetrative camera-work.
Well the court is finishing recess now and I have this sex offender to see to. Its been fun, thank you Jane. Where can I send the bill for my counselling for the trauma received from masturbating over images of a Doberman being masturbated with a chianti bottle?
Crap. Being famous is harder than I thought. Surely someone else can handle the camera shots and dobermans? I've got enough on my hands what with talk shows and signing autographs with my snatch...
.... Mr. Honeywell is looking a little green about the gills as well.
I'm still bored and there is no sound (hence no squelching noises).
I'm off. I'm starting to feel like a lurking pervert.
You look so serious. Surely, you're not blogging? Heh, I probably look worse in front of my screen!
Lucien
Mr Honeywell just sent me a message - it appears that his doberman has gone missing - can you help??
Garfer
Of course there are squelshing noises! Turn the sound up, silly. I am going to get a phone ringtone made of them when I am famous tomorrow...
Chickybabe
In fact I am working. This pleases me - i am getting paid to become famous. They won't be laughing tomorrow when i go back in the office and tell them to stick their job, eh??
I am afraid you will have to get a Doberman stunt double... I suggest wee Mutley. He might not be gifted 'todger' wise but he can lick out a jam pot of all traces of jam.
... had to let the sex offender go without a blemish on his character. It would seem that little Nancy (11) was nor wearing the regulation blue pants, obviously a whore.
Sent her to a juvenile correctional facility for contempt of court.
Oh what a great idea! We'd have to de-flea him first though - i don't want to be scratching my lady parts in public.
'i don't want to be scratching my lady parts in public.'
I thought that is how you made a living.
That's all in the past Lucien. Now that I am going to be famous from tomorrow I will be hiring someone to do my scratching. If you send me your resume I will consider you for the job.
Let Mr Honeywell know about the job too, yeah?
As I am already famous... Modo is not my real name you understand. I would not be able to take up your kind offer to scratch your fig in public. I would worry that my celebrity might overshadow your own burgeoning fame. You would not want to be some flash in the pan arm candy, seen having her fig scratched now would you.
Oh my word! Nonono this could be perfect Lucien! Seriously! Now that I am a famous reaity blogger, all I need is someone more famous than me to hang off.
Are you a footballer?? Are you? Are you??
Oh. You're a sumo wrestler. Bugger.
How about Mr Honeywell? Is he a footballer??
Get a grip, Mr. Honeywell is a librarian. However he does referee for the local under elevens. Does that excite you?
My agent has advised me to say that the computer says no. We are certain I will get a better offer by this afternoon. We are not fixated on footballers - we will also consider a rock star.
I will happily wait to see who takes up the offer of your fragrant fig for scratching.
Make sure you get a paparazzi to take photographs (make sure you have no trace of pubic hair... this will ensure that any digital penetration is evident to all without the use of a hand glass.)
The first thing I will be doing as a famous person is shaving my snatch and making sure it is photographed as I climb knickerless into a limo.
I believe you will find that this is obligatory for famous lay-dees?
Well JJ, I seemed to have missed all the fun ;(
I have my own version of Big Brother, I take my sofa and put it into next doors front garden and then watch the neighbours through there lounge window. Plus points it's free, they fuck each other a lot, and I watch through a 150" screen.
Make sure that the anus is likewise bald... you do get some queer coves. And don't forget the bleaching. Sometimes trimming of the labia might even be considered.
Chris:
Fuck! how can i beat that for entertainment! Are your neighbours famous now? Would it be more entertaining if i carved a love-heart in my forehead with a breadknife??
Lucien:
I will use the bread knife to trim up as soon as i am done cutting shapes into my head...
God, fame is exhausting...
Love the hair to, top colour I have mine like that on occasion, minus the length of course
JJ
They will be after I have set up the webcam later, getting the mike for sound into there house could be a problem though
A gentleman should never admit to not having length, Chris....
Just get the video, Chris. I am happy to provide the vocals for a sound track. I am sure I will be doing heaps of voiceovers now that I am famous.
Thinking about it, I could always go through the loft space and then I could set up bedroom and bathroom cams, what do you think?
Doesn't it make you wonder why people are so mad on fame? Having the 'plebs' on the high rise estates jealous of you because you are having your fig scratched by the under eleven football team, is not really reward enough for all the annoyance.
Oh as a gentleman I never admit to not having length. But I always insist on quality over quantity, as any self respecting famous person such as yourself knows
Chris:
Noooooo - not the bathroom cam. I was planning to show that on my blog later. I have a big one brewing right now...
Lucien:
Watching this Big Brother thing last night I can only assume that these achingly boring people would consider the under elevens a step up from their current boyfriends. I might even train the webcam on my bed tonight when I am sleeping. It will be more interesting than the drivel they are showing on Channel 4.
Chris...thanks for the tip. I am still learning about how to be famous. I already know that wiping your snatch with a doberman is great for newspaper headlines but makes the doberman real smelly...
Letting people watch you when you sleep! What if they take control of you? You are taking a terrible risk.
Why just not revel in your anonymity? That way you will not have to paint your car windows black, and ask to have Kwicksave opened in the middle of the night.
Don't you mean 'planning to show you on your bog later' ;)
As for the doberman thing, I would pay to see that.
The bedcam is a top idea, I will get a stock of popcorn and some tissues in for the duration
Lucien
But...but...surely the whole point of being famous is to have cameras pointing at me 24/7?
fuck. best run out and buy some pajamas...
Chris
Fabulous. Of course it means i have to sleep with the lights on, but hey...it will make riveting viewing. Best quickly go clear all my sex toys away, eh?
'the whole point of being famous is to have cameras pointing at me 24/7?'
CCTV CAMERAS..SPEED CAMERAS..SECURITY CAMERAS..TOURISTS WITH CAMERAS...
Clear them away? Pajamas? I don't think so young lady, think of your adoring public ;)Clamouring for a view of there idol, carrying out her usual everyday tasks
Are you doing phone interviews now?
Having considered my own position I think it best now if I make my excuses and leave, before you sell your story of your morning of oral sex with the little known celebrity Lucien Modo.
Sorry JJ, I'm afraid it isn't me outside your door, and if it was I would have knocked by now, pleading with you for an interview with new it girl on the block
Are you sure he was a postman and not just casing the joint for the best place for a film crew to setup outside your house?
Funny you ask that Chris. I've never known him to deliver mail through my roof before. Strange...
Lol, I train em well is alll I'm saying ;)
Good grief...i don't know what type of training you are giving but this the first time i have had to suck the postman's knob in exchange for my mail....
Really, well did he return the favour? You always have to return the favour, I love doing that
He did not. And even worse, it turns out there wasn't even any mail for me today....
Have to go out for a while catch you later JJ, have fun ;)
What's all this? Young lady willing to take top off for no money? Sounds like a bargain. Off you go poppet, I'll just get my self comfortable.
Awwwww Hector you missed the topless stuff earlier. I'm now flashing my lady-parts. what a shame the camera has zoomed in on my face....
Stand up damn you. Do you think I sitting here risking an asthma attack to clock you drinking water.
Fine. I can drink Powerade...
Look M'Dear when a gentleman gets to my age, if he gets an erection he has to capitalize on it. Chap can't just waste a perfectly good glory. This is the first sign of life in the old fellow since March. Now be an angel and just get on with the whole shebang, while I have some cream crackers and cathedral city.
Big brother is for people without brains. You'll get famous in no time JJ, just watch it.
Sod the crackers...try some nice viagra. That cathedral will still be standing next March...
Mone, I think I already am famous! All i need to do now is throw a few tantrums and get my ex-lovers to sell their stories to the newspapers!
Man on his own in hotel room in Eastbourne, nice view of the pier. Take viagra, man on his own. What would be the benefit?
Have anointed the old truncheon with anusol in an effort to numb the monster.
DAMN! why am I always a day late and a (dollar?) short!?!
(sigh)
Well JJ, I'm back from my nefarious duties, you seem to have changed location somewhat.
Tildy:
Damn! you missed me by a second!!
Chris:
Nope, still sitting in the same place quietly getting famous.
Oh yeh so you are, couldn't see the mannekin behind you duh!
So how are you finding your day of live broadcasting?
Its exhausting being a celebrity! i haven't had a second to pick my nose all day. I think i might pick it at 4:30pm. Just for my fans, like...
Well JJ, seeing as I am rapidly becoming a major fan of yours, I will pick a front row seat. Are you going to eat it to? lol
I could either eat it. Or I could put it on eBay??
lol I saw that, as it just for me, oh you are to kind my lady, just to kind ;)
I like it when you laugh
hahahahahahaha
No not the dreaded pencil dig out, watch it tere be careful
my word..i'm quite full now. so many calories too...
You should do this a bit more often, it is fun. Have a weekly JJ roundup or something
I wonder if my boss will agree with that? I'll ask him...best get my tits out first though...
In fact we should all set one up and have them all open in different windows
Good idea! Go on Chris! get your cam set up! There's plenty of room for more celebrities. Be warned though, you will need to shave your pubes and appear nude in the sunday papers....
Well now you getting your tits out, would definetaly pull in the punters, and i am sure your boss would have no problem agreeing
As for shaving my pubes, all ready done, I'm a smoothy you see ;)
Plus I do private shows, for special friends on request ;)
Right I've checked with the boss. He said that's fine, and I can collect my P45 in about an hour's time...
Ahhhh but will you pick your nose for me, Chris??
Wooooo. I'm behind you!!!
Shall i lift my skirt up Ratty's Ghost? while you're there and all that...
For the private shows, I do just about anything thats asked of me, and i will pick it especially for you and yeh lift your skirt up lol
Thats it girl, you go for it
Requests...hmmmm....we could do a double act!
JJ.
For fucks sake don't open them legs. I'm a spirit now and if I go up your pipe I may never come down. I will be like the Genie in the bottle.
Are you going to install a camera in the toilet bowl.
Badger of course! I'm about to eat a curry for maximum effect. You don't famous for just sitting about looking pretty!
Anytime you fancy a double act with me you just let me know, don't forget we still have to compare collections
JJ, here is my mock email for future reference, send me one there and I'll mail my real one 2 you.
jadencicero@lycos.co.uk
Noted Chris...i've added it to my new "Celebrity Contacts" section...
Ratty! Stop wrigging about, dammit. You're making my twat sneeze!
did I miss the licking of mannequins and cat butt?
Perhaps you should rub your mound of Venus or something like in that Aladdin thing. I would then pop out and grant you a wish.
Ohhh bug you missed the matinee show...i might repeat the performance tonight after a glass of wine.
And then you have the webcam trained on my bed while i sleep to look forward to. Best take the day off work, eh??
Ratty pop your head out and i'll give you a scratch behind the ears....
I missed the cat but?
Be honest, you can't take your eyes off BB. Compulsive crap. Like the porn films in the 1960's, hours of nothing, waiting in vain for something to happen.
Sorry I missed that. Did I see you flash a sign that said something about Arizona?
I bet you've got pale pink nipples that stick out.
I have just put a knot in your Fallopian tubes. You wait until you try and ride your bike. WOOOOOOOO.
This is nothing like BB. You're laughing. Where's all the misery and angst?
Tickers:
At least with my version of Big Brother there is no-one to vote out the house except for me and Ratty Ghost who is currently stuck up my twat.
Jenny:
Tits are on in half an hour. If you had come 15 minutes earlier you would have seen Ratty's Ghost go cavediving
Bug:
I did. I wished you good morning. See, I'm not that famous that I can't be humble too
Jenny:
I have outies. Pink outies too. Good guess - were you secretly watching earlier??
Ratty:
Fuck! since when did dead rats have such finger dexterity! Are you sure your tail didn't get all tied up there too?
Jenny
Pussy coming up for you!
finally some pussy!
Angus needs a trim
Tickers...its my first day in the house! its still all fun and i am not quarrelling with myself. I'm keeping it real!
My clit's like a marble thinking of what I might get to see.
Well that's it, I'm gonna watch some porn and get sticky.
Have I got time to do a bit of plumbing before your tits come out?
I don't believe it JJ, I have been waiting all day to get a look to. ;( Oh well
Rats never go in my genitals. They never get past the cheese.
I'm warning you. If you shove that pussy up your pussy I'm gonna punch his nose.
Ratty the cat is just getting his hardhat on...he's coming up!!
Ratty! Jenny has a present for you! Come on out mousey and collect your gift!
I was hoping you would sign a few cheques for me, Bug...
That's no cat, That's Michael Barrymore in disguise that is.
He will ply you with drugs to disinhibit you.
We wait on tenterhooks.
Will there be edited highlights?
Yeah? Just to see I could do it? You don't havve to have a spirograph set around the house do you?
Or some darts?
JJ. I just called by to tell you it aint all bad being brown bread. I met Jesus last night and we had a few beers together. Next Monday I'm having dinner with Princess Diana, might even get to give he one. Thats if I manage to get out of this bloody minge.
Ratty I know its a big and scary maze down there but can't you try hollering for help? Do ghosts not have sat navs??
Right I'm off home, see you later People, and JJ keep up the good work.
chris:
That was a hard day's work you put in there. well done!
Jenny!
Yes! and we could use Ratty as a prop! it will be awesome!
Fuck it I'm staying up here for the night now. I'm gonna have a good look round, get the lay of the land and get my head down for a bit. Toast and coffee will be fine around 0700 hrs. Woooo
Did you go off the air Jane? Got famous enough?
I have three tradesmen in my house. I was going to ask what Jane would do in that situation.
This has inspired me.
I've got the 45mm pipe, all I need now is a small rodent.
Ratty:
I hope you don't snore. I can't take a whole night of rumbling twat.
Jenny!:
Okay. We shit on Ratty - just to get him back - and we let Bug carry on with the arse pencil thing. You and i simply sit about drinking champagne and collecting entry fee, yeah?
Bug:
Even celebrities need to turn the camera off to take a piss. These tradesman? Are they cute? If so, i know what I would do...
Tickers:
I have one! is it okay if he's dead?
Save that mucas, Jenny! We'll shower Ratty when he eventually comes up to the surface for air!
I think you should do an interracial gangbang live on camera.
Your challenge:
thirty black guys between now and midnight.
Happy hunting!
Sticking bottles up yer vage and racial slurs might get you new commenters, it works for Old Knudsen.
Jenny!
Fuck. Why do the good times have to end? You should get a blog - we could make some big money from all this
Ingsoc:
And why would that be different from any other Wednesday night??
Knudie:
You're right. I need more commenters. I dunno why my blog is so hated.
Oh ya there ya are !
Hey when the next pee break ?
Fist'n eh ?!
Naw I'll just watch ya smoke (cigs).
naw it was a joint. cunningly disguised as a cigarette. Just in case the feds are watching...
I'm repulsed...and yet riveted; I can't stay away...
Zen! want me to do a party trick??? huh? huh?? i can tie my strapon up against my nose if you like? that will be heaps fun!!
I want ter see you eat kippers.
OK OK, I'm breathing but I do count on these expletives in my everyday life. I'll have another drink or 7...
This is wonderful stuff JJ I'm going to watch it all day. They should make a programme of this maybe call it like Big Sister or something!!
Here's my real comment...Um, I don't remember what I read...but whatever the other Jenny said works for me!
I must be a way back stoner cause I can't get the fuckin thing to work. Now dammit, I demand my money back. Oh wait, I gave you the money for a dime bag, I forgot. Hey pass that, it's puff, puff, pass. These rookies, ya know!
Ka-Chow!
Good grief !!!
When was the last time you shaved ??
I thought you were wearing bicycle shorts...
People used to have to murder and butcher a bunch of teenagers, turn their innards into fancy hats, and throw the rest in barrels full of acid to get famous. Now all you have to do is sit in front of a camera. Where's the art? Where's the class? Kids these days....
I don't have the right software... nothing happens ?? How can I join in?!?!
Can I have the wine if its left over... ** helloo** ...........
Well, I was going to ask you to take your top off, but it looks like the camera is turned off.
So I hope you are having a nice nap.
I really mean it--I hope you are having a nice nap! What I mean is, I hope you aren't pulling a train on a local motorcycle gang or something.
Anyway, this Warholian experiment certainly did seem to capture the fancy of your small but ardent fan base.
Post pictures of it then.
Fuck, I'm always late for all the fun.
I missed it could you do it again...201st comment JW at www.mymule.blogspot.com you win a prize when you visit my site. Thanks and good day JW
comment #202
(sigh)
Wow 202 comments?
Anyway, I must be late because the thing isn't working. All I see is your pretty face, which is OK and all, but is there supposed to be a video?
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